Disgusted with Myself – LONG READ!

Throughout my whole life, I have been alone and sad. I just did not realize how alone I was until recently.

Everything goes back to having a very badly drug-addicted mother. She has constantly been in and out of jail for years and constantly been off and on drugs for most of her life. I can say over and over that I am disgusted with her, but deep down inside, I’ll always wish I had some sort of relationship with her. Every time I try to have any sort of conversation with her, or when I try to convince her to stop, everything would be in one ear, and out the other. There is no helping her. Once you’re on drugs, you’re on for life and nothing matters. Not even your own son.

Without going into too much detail about the past, I have had such a fucked up childhood. Yes, I had plenty of people who cared for me and yes, I had a lot of good times. Shame I am just realizing NOW at age 23, that nothing was ever what I wanted it to be. All I ever wanted was a decent life with decent people who I knew and loved to be part of it, but nothing pans out for me. Ever. From my grandfathers dying, to multiple friends dying from drunk-driving car crashes, to people just not understanding what I have to say or what I feel, I am indeed alone. Like I said, I just haven’t realized it until now.

The one girl who I honestly loved is still in my life, let’s call her Jennifer. We were together for 2 years and mostly happy, besides a lot of fighting and disagreements, but after 2 years, we were still friends. She helped me through a lot and I helped her through a lot. I thought we were good friends, but we fight more than any friends I have ever seen. Some of the fights were my fault, some of them were her’s, but through all of the bullshit, she has stuck with me for whatever reason. Recently, things got out of hand. She would attack me with insults and say she hated me, so I decided that was the last straw. I decided we shouldn’t be friends anymore because of the constant insults and fighting. It was a very ugly thing to do, but I felt it was the best option for both of us.

Now, she has a best friend, let’s call her Erin. I started hanging with this friend during the time I decided to end the friendship with Jennifer. I had known Erin for quite some time before this through Jennifer because they would always hang out. Erin is a very nice girl, and very attractive, so I decided to do something random and just try and talk to her just as a friend. Now, I can imagine that most of you know where this story is going. Me and Erin started talking and decided to hang out one night. She came over to my house and we just talked about random things. I knew in the beginning that this MIGHT lead me into deep waters, but everything felt right with her. She was great to talk to and made time for ME, which is what I always wanted. A couple of days went by of hanging out JUST AS FRIENDS, but it got a little bit more out of hand (for lack of a better term). We were lying in bed watching a movie, and she leans in and kisses me. I obviously kissed her back, and it got a little bit more serious as time went on. We knew that there was an issue here with Jennifer and her being best friends and this was just climbing right into the fire, but we both said that everything felt right and it was a better idea if no one knew about what happened.

So, things start to get a bit more serious. Feelings start to grow and I start to even spend more time with her, thanks to her actually making time for me. So I could tell she likes me, and she can tell I like her. We talked about our little situation and we actually thought that Jennifer would actually be happy for us if we told her, which I agreed with, but we still went with the idea that no one should know about us and what we were doing. Spending more and more time with her caused more feelings to grow and things to get a bit crazier. I won’t go into graphic detail, but things got “hot and heavy”. She wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t totally ready for that, so we did other things. Like I said, everything feels right with her. I don’t feel wrong, and I don’t feel like a bad guy either. I just know that whenever I am with her, I am kind of happy and I forget about everything else.

While all this was going on, I was still going back and forth in arguments with Jennifer. She was texting back and forth things about how she wishes we wouldn’t fight and how she would like to be friends, but knows I don’t want that. Needless to say, some of what she was saying was true, and some of it was false. I told her that I would of LIKED to of been friends but the constant fighting is getting to a point where I can’t take it. Every conversation would start off good, but end in a couple “I hate you” or “I hope you die” texts from her. Just yesterday, I was fired from my job. I worked at a retail store and was caught giving my employee discounts to a relative, which is prohibited. I was honestly CRUSHED. It was a fantastic job with fantastic people, and I loved it. They paid me well, and it was all a good experience besides the mistake I made. I was made to pay back the money my cousin got immediately or I would face criminal charges and be arrested. I was lost. I didn’t have a car and no cash on me, so I literally called the one person who I had been fighting with for a couple months – Jennifer.

I called her to try and help me out. I asked her to pick me up and take me to the bank and bring me back so I can pay the money back or get arrested. She agreed when she saw how crushed and sad I was. I was a wreck, and this was in combination with everything that has gone on with Jennifer, Erin and I. Losing my job was just the last straw that just brought everything down for me. I was INSANELY sad and depressed. I didn’t want to go home and face my family after what happened, so Jennifer invited me to her friend’s house and she bought pizza. I had a couple slices, but didn’t feel like eating. All I felt like doing was crying, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I haven’t cried in years, but it’s the only thing I wanted to do at that point. I wanted to cry until I could cry no more.

Jennifer helping me out was a very nice thing to do and I was EXTREMELY grateful for what she had done for me even after all of the shit we had been going through. The whole time I was thinking about how thankful I was, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had done with her best friend, Erin and I felt like Jennifer just had to know but I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell her due to fear of her reaction. Finally, I came to and actually told her. She was fucking CRUSHED. She immediately cried and asked why. I made the wrong assumption in thinking that she would have been happy for us, but she was devastated. She couldn’t believe her best friend would do that and she couldn’t believe that I would do it, because she knows how she still feels about me after all these years. Once again, I just couldn’t even cry. This made my depression and sadness increase more and more. I felt like a prick. Nothing in this world can make me feel better now.

After all this, and after I realized what I had done, I can’t stop thinking of suicide. This is the first time I have been feeling like this and I am 100% serious. I have been thinking of ways to do it. Pills? Knife? Rope? I don’t know. I can’t think of any real non-painless way to do it, but if I have to go the pain route, I am ready to do that. I feel as though I have nothing to live for and I don’t deserve any happiness in my life. These past few months have been the worst in my entire life and I don’t see a way out. I haven’t eaten in days and I am not the least bit hungry. I have sheltered myself from the outside world by staying in my room and doing nothing. What can I do? Nothing is the answer. For the next few days, I am going to type and write a few things so my family can see when I am gone. They need to know that nothing can stop this. This is a decision I am making on my own and it’s from a number of events, not just one.

I am writing this just to see how others think of my situation. If you really read all this (which I doubt), maybe you can give me some solace or some reason as to why life does not go the way I want after 23 years on this planet. Thank you for reading.