don’t belong here

yeah, so, i’ve never really posted anything personal anywhere on the internet before, so this is pretty new to me.  i don’t really expect any “help” to come from it, and in all honesty i don’t even expect any responses.  i guess i just needed to get a few things out before i went through with it.  so… here goes…

at first glance, it probably wouldn’t seem like much was wrong with me, save the shyness and awkward personality.  i understand that i’m a little odd, but i’ve come across several people who are attracted to my uniqueness and creativity rather than put off by it.  that’s not my issue.  i mean, i’m not vain or anything, but there’s a lot that i love about myself.  i don’t mind being misunderstood.  i’m just tired of trying my hardest, against every fiber of my being, to fit into a world that has no place for me.  i just can’t be what society expects me to and be content with it.  i need… something more.

i’ve tried living with close friends, with family, with significant others (including a spouse at one point), and completely alone, and at any given point i just seem to be longing for something else, someone else, some people and some places that obviously don’t exist.  no matter how many times i start over and try a different route, everything just seems off.  like it’s not quite real, and like i wouldn’t want it to be real even if i had the choice.

i escape from this reality as often as i can, in fantasy video games and stories, but i always have to come back and live my real life in this real world.  and i just can’t stand it.  everything about my mind and my spirit rejects this existence.  i’m always trying to run away and escape to somewhere that isn’t real, that can’t exist in this wretched world.  and i’m sick of trying just to always come out realizing that it’s never going to happen.  there is nowhere to go.  nowhere to go, except for nothingness.  at least then i can’t feel like i don’t belong.  there i won’t feel anything, ever again.  and even though i’m relatively happy with myself and my life, i would much rather feel nothing than to continue on this pointless search, because i can’t just go on feeling this way.  i just can’t.

i don’t know if anyone can relate in the slightest, but…  it is what it is.  i am a heavily non-religious female in my early twenties, and i will take my meaningless life in approximately three months.  people will notice, and they will grieve.  but their lives will move on.  and mine, thankfully, will not.

thank you to any who read this.  much love.