“Heaven smiles above me
What a gift here below
But no one knows”
I feel like bleeding from my soul tonight. Â A rare and not so rare occurance. Â Rare in the sense that I come here to speel. Â So I hope no one minds the emotional ejaculation that I am about to spew forth…what the Queens of the Stone Age put forth in their album “Songs for the Deaf”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s88r_q7oufE
So appropriately so.
“We get these pills to swallow
How they stick
In your throat
Taste like gold”
I used to think so.  The pills helped contain my rage-impulses, somewhat. My/our “patented” emotional dysregulation (I share a diagnosis with others) that keeps me free of any therapist’s office.  No one wants me around.  And that’s not a violin-story on my part, I am just saying, I have borderline personality disorder, or, at least traits of, or whatever.  I am borderline psychotic, make no mistake.  I have always been unable to wrangle what I feel coming in and going out.  Emotions have always felt like an ocean to me, yet, not calm, more like a tsunami.  Truth is: I’m completely f’ed, completely emotionally dysregulated, to the core, always have.  Only children with autism with very little language acquisition have the level of emotional dysregulation that I have.  Only recently did I try pills and they took the edge off, a little, but the pills also had consequences, so I am saving them for a rainy Summer day.  Quit.  I need my edge, now.  As much as I would rage and throw a fit and pout throughout the day and agonize how much I want to die, I still need to do that, I am who I am, just like Popeye.  So, save my pills when I need to formulate an exit.  Rage in the meantime.  Let my brain feel raw.  At least, now, I know when I am doing all the f’ed up shat I do.
My current problem is this: there are many people in this world. Â That’s it. The problem is: people that are self-enrichers. Â When the doo-doo hits the fan they are ready to murder you to have whatever you have. Â I’m talking about the zombie-apocalypse, food-riots, the upcoming pole-shift that is obviously on the horizon (or not, whatever), whatever! whatever is obviously on the way. Â The point is, this is what I am sticking around for?! I am surrounded by a bunch of people that are ready to kill me for a cheese sandwich (bread, no mayo, one slice of American cheese). Â I have been asking around and the field of answers has been resounding: everyone not only wants to kill me for the cheese sandwich, but murder and eat me over a fire and hold up a K-Mart for a permanent base. Â Yet, I am told, “don’t kill yourself! you’re being selfish!” Â Am I?! Â I am surrounded by a bunch of people (95% of the population) that I would rather not have anything to do with within a thousand miles when my life depended on it, yet, I am the one being selfish? Â Excuse the unGodly f’ out on me, but I am sick of participating in the contradiction! Â This whole freak show is getting too strange. Â I don’t trust anyone. Â Anyone. Â I trust myself to not kill someone if I am hungry and the zombie-apocalypse, food-riots, or the upcoming pole-shift comes or whatever…I would rather die of starvation than kill anyone. Â And that’s just it. Â I am of a very slim majority, no pun intended.
“We get some rules to follow
That and this
These and those
No one knows”
I am too sensitive for this world. Â God please forgive me.
7 comments
Too cerebral? Bad grammar and other tripe aside, no one has shit to say, Thanks, shit-heads. Worthless lot.
I screwed up: “?” at the end of that one thingy, I have been drinking. The point is, you all failed me, so I hate you all. Not so deeply, because I am not an angry drunk. But lame to the oh you all are. Bank on it. Fuck you all.
Just because people didn’t comment doesn’t mean they don’t care. What your writing is quite intense and people might not want to try and get involved if they might make it worse or don’t understand. We all consider ourselves really f’d up. I consider my depression another person inside my head that makes me think and do things I would never consider without it, that to is probably a borderline personanlity disorder. It is easy to see no reason to carry on, to think that life has nothing to offer but this is all we have and it’s all there will be and there must be something out there for you. I too hate it when people tell you that suicide is not an option when you know it is, it’s just the worst option there is. There is nothing to find in death, there is no peace, no good, no comfort. Life has all these things, it just hides them so well. Searching for them is the hardest and most rewarding thing there is. There is no guarantee you won’t screw up but if you keep trying you will suceed. Life has good as well as bad but if you only want to see bad then you only see bad. I too am i qotsa fan and i understand that society does seem to give us”rules” we feel we have to follow. In reality the only rules are, do what you have to keep yourself alive and the rest is up to you. Don’t give up or think that you are some alien with no one you can relate to because it is simply not true. Oh and I would never say stop drinking but I was told to stop or it would prolong my problems, I would say if you would get the same advice if you saw someone (therapists are nothing to afraid of either, all it is some one to talk to that as impossible as it sounds can undersatnd you) it’s entirely up to you, i understand it makes a good escape from everything but it’s just a plaster for real problems you don’t want to face
I wonder if you’ll log back in to read this…
I’m still here. Sober, for now. Tequila is what gets me sexually frustrated and feisty. Frustrated, in all realms. Especially since that everyone here blurbs three or four sentences that I can barely decipher and, yet, they get a lot of feedback from people. Still, I write something coherent and beyond the pale of simple text messaging…I guess the flock loses their will to attend. Such is the world today. Worthless. I don’t even know why I participate anymore. No one understands me. Everyone thinks I am too emotional. Too sensitive. Too this and that. I’ve never had any interest in hurting anyone, just myself. If the zombie-apocalypse comes or whatever, I will go off to die, alone. I cannot handle the emotional back and forth of witnessing people freak out. I simply can’t. Just thinking about makes me want to disappear, right now.
I do thank you for your feedback, paul_1991.
The rest of you suck. I used to contribute to this forum, greatly, but when I need help, God forbid: crickets. So the rest of you can go get fucked. Have fun with the zombies.
hey sorry i just saw this.
ya god will forgive u
z
PLEASE!!! Hold on! I’m begging ya!! Don’t do this! I don’t know your reasons for wanting to ending ur life… but I got sure that ur life is precious. There is, certainly, someone that really cares about u and really would do anything to make you feel painless. I have no doubt that u feel sad, with a huge pain inside right now, but don’t do this if you’re desperate, çause this just will make you to take bad decisions! I lost someone in this way and so many people that this person don’t got the idea that cared about her (including me) suffered (and still suffer) as her or more than her was! Sometimes we say things or do things with people that we love and we don’t realise how miserable we can make these people feel…. So, for God’s sake, hold on for a while… Think, wait, live, you’ll see that life worthwhile….. And, please, after doing anything, seek for someone to talk. I’m here for anything! If you want, u can talk to me. I care about u and many people do!