Entry Two: The Smell of Bleach

Before I write the main meat of this entry. You should know somethings:

I have been diagnosed with depression, and anxiety problems. So we all know that. And i love my boyfriend more than anything.

I live with my boyfriend Joe he’s 22. I love him so much, we’ve been together for a year and a half now. He’s my first love and my first everything. We were actually engaged last Christmas. But this last summer he all of a sudden told me he didn’t love me anymore and slept with one of his friends from high school. We broke up for about 7 weeks. It turns out he was bipolar I, and had a really bad bout of mania and his parents dragged him to the behavioral health hospital. Now we’re back together. He works a lot trying to support his school, us, and normal debts adults have. I love him so much but I’m afraid.

Afraid he’ll leave me again. I’ve been having really bad depression lately. Joe has been off of his lithium (for BPI) because he’s having to take nyquil for a nasty cold. To me it seems as though he is going back to the way he was right before we broke up last time. Indifferent, recluse, not wanting to go out, or even spend time together, and spending a lot of time busying himself with new auto projects online. The one thing that killed me last time before we broke up was I asked him if he would love me together, last time he said “who knows”. I asked him the other night and he said, “hopefully”.

I had a really bad episode the day after christmas, I freaked out because of all of the stress and one of my biggest problems is that I always try to make everyone happy and I care what everyone thinks. My family, His family, My friends, and of course Joe and everything is multiplied by 10 during the holidays so I was just having a really hard time. Joe threatened to take me to the hospital so I freaked out jumped the balcony onto the roof and ran away for a little while to breathe. During that time he called his mother to get my parents number. So now I’m embarrassed to go around his family, and their mad at me cause I don’t want to go over there.

I can’t lose him again. The last time he left me I tried to kill myself, but I just couldn’t go through with it. This time I don’t have my friends, my family is mad at me, so nothing could really stop me.

He says he thinks I’m going to leave him. Because I’m depressed, he says I cry too much. I do cry alot. But sometimes it’s comforting to me. I’ve always been the “crybaby”. Is that true?

Can crying be a comfort? If so then it really is to me.

This may sound dumb but last night I grabbed some chips and started to come back into the room. I’m a big snacker and Joe’s always known this. But as I came in he began to do the melody of the tuba that Stewie from Family Guy uses in family in a skit when he is following around fat people. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bohK2Zyh1D8).

This really, really hurt me. He knows that I’m really self conscious about my body image. I weigh 140 but to me it feels like 500, so I just turned right back around, put them back and started crying. He looked over and asked in an annoyed tone, “You mad?” I just shook my head no. He then started up about how I take everything too personally. I know I do, but just saying that doesn’t make it any less hurtful to me.

I love him but right now it seems that he could care less if I just left and never came back. I cried so hard last night, because he hardly talked to me at all or even acknowledged my existence for the past week. And i wrote myself delirious notes on my phone.

Each new line is a different note:

“I like it when my tears hit the pillow. It brings the smell of the bleach out of it’s case. Bleach is clean. Unlike my life.

Bleach smells like chlorine. And it reminds me of pools when I was younger. The freedom. The weightlessness. the carefree. Not worrying-

About my body as much. I like bleach. I used it in a cocktail I made once to commit suicide. I didn’t do it. That’s why I’m still here.

Joe is sleeping next to me. I love him. I love sleeping next to him. I grown used to his little patterns when he sleeps. They’re my greatest comfort

He would be mad or creeped out if he knew that. I think its cute that I like that. What do i know? He would be mad that I’m up.

Or on my phone. I always make him mad. I can’t remember the last time I made him happy. Xmas? Minus the. no. (I was referring to the Minus the Bear concert I took him to, but immediately dismissed it apparently)

I guess when we got back together. He was so crazy about me again. I loved that. I lovedthe love. He didn’t want to take his hands off me.

He left me love notes. Now I just make him sick bored and unhappy and of course mad. I’m a horrible gf, I try and do things but then ruin them.

He deserves better. Someone who isn’t fat. Isn’t ugly. And makes more money. And treats him like the prince charming he is.

I smell the bleach again.

I know he is thinking about leaving me. He’s off his meds. I’m horrible. And he didn’t say we’d be together forever when I asked him.

I told him when we got back together that when he said that last time it really hurt me. But I’m just a crybaby

What did I do to make him so unahppy with me? It’s all my fault and always will be. He’s never wrong. I’m the one. Bad one.

I can’t tell the difference when he’s bipolar and when he’s not. I’m so scared. Scared and tired.

So scared. I lost him again. I’m so stupid.

I would kill myself. I can’t lose him again. To see hm with another woman would kill me. The first time I did I almost killed myself, but I cried for hours.

It rained that day.

I just wish he would fight for me. It seems as though if iwere to be kidnapped he would just give up, say there’s no hope, and say he has to go to work.

He doesn’t listen. He told me to always make him take his meds. He’s so stubborn. He just denies everything.

I wish he were sympathetic. That he would reassure me not threaten me with ultimatums

That he would hold me. Or let me rest my head on his chest. Or just tell me that he loved me no matter what time it was. Or just kissed me out of the blue.

Or told me I was Beautiful no matter what I looked like. Or that everything would be ok. Or that he loved me no matter what.

That no other woman compares. I don’t feel loved. I feel hated.

I feel as though I’m not good enough. That he’s reaching his use by date with me. I feel so alone. So Stupid

Everything I do or say is wrong, frustrating. He hates me. And he gets mad when I say that, but he doesn’t show me the difference

He wouldn’t say “You are good enough Jordan, I love you.” He would say “You’re crazy. You’re the one whose going to leave me. I don’t have the energy for this, I have so much going on.”

I can’t go back to sleep. I had a thought in my head about him and Brittany sleeping together in our bed. I don’t want to sleep in that bed.

But he would be mad. Like I want to be haunted by that in my mind. He gets mad at me for it. MAD.MAD.MAD. No reassure. No help. Mad at me.

I figured it out.

I’m an inconvenience. Everytime I cry or am depressed It’s an inconvenience. Finally.”

If you read this far. Thank you so much. I really see that as form of support. Thank you.