More than anything in this world I want to change who I am. I try everything I have in the effort I have accessible. The gym twice a day, the weekly psychiatric appointments, the medications as prescribed, it’s doesn’t fix a thing. Despite my efforts I’m left with simple advice; “everything happens for a reason.” Tell me what the reason is in a constantly suicidal young adult with no aspirations to make anything out of the future. I have aspirations, I have ideals that I believe to be real yet I have a giant void between where I am and where I want to be that no matter what I try or who I see, I never get a clear answer on how to fill the gap and I’m tired of it. This is my second post in three days and I understand that this is simple venting but for fucks sake how much time and money do I have to waste before I get a clear response. Is ten years of psychiatric evaluation not enough to get one single answer? My life is an utter of the same question over and over again on a clockwork tablet and I’ve grown old of posting the same question over and over again. There has to be answer to every life, no matter the variables and circumstances that pose a difficulty in every question and I don’t find my circumstances to be that much different then every other case. I don’t believe in myself and I take too much to heart yet this is who i want to be; how do I get there? Honestly how do I get help when all the input I get is another new medications and the responses of ” I understand” and “How does that make you feel” or “Can you go deeper into that topic for me” from a ‘qualified’ individual’ seem to be all I get. Believe me, I think about every last word more then enough, more than is for my own good to be honest. At some point there has to be guidance, at some point there has to be an individual that can make me open my mind and see it from the perspective I should have been seeing it from all along. I’m not dumb, I’m not inarticulate, I’m just as sophisticated as the next person but for fucks sake can I please just get an a clear proposition for once. I, just like every human being, can see wrong from right, but there is guidance process that is needed to get to right consistently and no matter where I seek help it’s always “Well you know yourself so well.” If i knew myself so well then I’d know the steps it takes to live a good life. This is simple venting, I know, but for fucks sake at some point there has to be answers (and believe me I know it’s a plural) that can be given to me at some point. I’m sick and fucking tired of a shallow and pedantic lifestyle and I need answer on how to add solutions into my reality. There has to be an answer out there and I’m trying to find it, I really I am and even though this may not be the place to find it, it at least helps to put it out there.