I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I just want to write something where I know I’m not the only one so I just looked for a random website I can post something and I found this.
I just took 6 Pizotifen tablets hoping I would die but nothing happened, sadly. But hopefully maybe the side effects will kill me later or maybe I just need to take some more. I’ve tried to kill myself 5 times now and failed. First time I tried hanging myself but there was nothing to hang myself off, second time I tried cutting down to my veins in my wrist but that failed. Third time I tried to hang myself off the door but that failed. Forth time I tried to cut my wrist again and almost did, I think if I went a tiny bit deeper it would have worked. And the fifth time is today, an overdoes but nothing has happened yet.
I don’t think anyone cares about me anymore, the boy I really love is just using me and confusing me, he says he loves me and shit and then I see the things on facebook what he says to other girls and it’s the same things as what he says to me. I found out a few weeks ago he was planning on shagging some other girl (my best friend), she told me this. But he couldn’t in the end because he was ill. There both 16, I’m 13 but I don’t give a shit about my age, I have no friends the same age as me, everyone in my year thinks I’m a freak and only the older people like me (I don’t see why though). Yesterday, Luis (the boy I like) came round and he snogged me, like he always does when we meet up, we almost had sex and it was amazing and I was sooo happy, I don’t want to loose my v yet but with him, I honestly don’t care. I know he’s using me, but I can’t pull away because I really do love him and I have for about 5 months now and I don’t like anyone else in that way. It really hurts me :(.
Anyways enough of that crap. The other reason I wanna kill myself is because I miss my mum being there, she’s never been there, she’s either in prison or pissed and it fucking kills me because I know I’ve missed out on sooo much with a mum, everyone I know has a nice mum and they tell me stuff about there mums or going out with her or something and it really makes me think how much I’m missing out on. My Dad is amazing, and I’m grateful to have one, but as much as I love him, he is always making me feel like shit, he tells me I’m a selfish ***** and I do nothing to help and when I do help it’s never enough and I have no one to go to when I have a argument with him, I normally run away for a bit and then when I get back he’s nice to me but then it just all starts again. I’m sooo horrible to him, evan he says I am and so do my friends. I don’t know what to do.. no one cares about me and I’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything.
I fucked my future up with school, never do work, always behind and they have nearly kicked me out. I’m always being excluded for stupid reasons and I’m to depressed to concentrate in lessons and they just think I mess about for attention but I don’t. I wont be able to get a good job anyways because my arms are fucked, massive wide purple and pink scars all up my arms and they will never fade, some are lumpy and theres soo many they just look like retarded wrinkles. No ones gonna want me. I wanna be a tattoo artist or a photographer but if I can’t get them jobs I’ll have to get another one and maybe the uniform will have no long sleeves. D: And if I’m lucky I wanna be a singer and play guitar, but even then everyone will know about my arms becuase it’ll be soo hard to hide :(. I’ve been self harming for over 3 years now, and I can’t stop. 🙁
I hate myself and my life 🙁
Thank you soooo much for reading all this shit if you did 😀
17 comments
I care babe…it’s a matter of you believing that. Anyone that has been through a lot of pain learns compassion. Whatever decisions you make are either motivated my fear or love. That’s been a great guiding force for me. For what that’s worth. The world was a lot easier to be in when I was 13-I’m 40 now. No rush, take it easy. You sound smart, hope you change your perspective to something a bit more positive. Things can change for the better…up to you. Cheers!
Thanks 🙂
I know what its like to not have a parent, my father, rather sperm donor, is an asshole and I haven’t seen or heard from him in 13 years. But I know I’m better than him, that he’s the one that missed out on everything. That’s what gets me through the day. And you’ve got to stop hurting yourself, I know you don’t wanna hear this but if the guy loved you, you would mean everything to him. He would want you and no one else, and you are way too young to be hurting yourself like this. Just think of your dreams, think of a baby girl you’ll be holding one day, or how you want to change someones life, whatever your dreams are, hold on to them. Everything can be fixed, school, friends, love, relationships, it just takes will power and a lot of work. Good luck honey!
I know, but I can’t just stop talking to him 🙁 and I can’t stop hurting myself either I’ve been trying to stop for 3 years D: Thank you though 🙂
You can stop this cycle now. You are still young. You can use your pain to male something awesome of yourself. Your classmates sound like they don’t have much depth. You probably have pain that in some ways makes you wise beyond your years, & that can be very lonely. My first suicidal thoughts happened around your age. I made it to college & was happy until I found someone else to abuse me. You need to stop the negative thoughts now, and try to be happy with yourself. Honestly, things look better when you first move out. You Just need to not get yourself into the same situations. That’s where I went wrong. I never thought enough of myself. Don’t have sex now, not for any moral reasons, but because I sense that for you, it’s more of an act of giving yourself away in destructive abandonment than it is about mutual love. Guys aren’t going to change. They are going to get their fuck on wherever they can, & it doesn’t mean you aren’t worth loving. They just don’t think about the harm they are doing- especially the wrong ones. My advice? Write more. You’re good at it. Throw yourself into school so you can work your way into college & get the fuck out of your situation. People really are better at that age for the most part socially. But you may have to keep tabs on your choices in men for quite a while. I am so sorry to hear that you are in such pain. But it will get better. How you go on to lead your adult life is up to you. And by the way, no one is going to look at your middle school grades at college acceptance boards or job interviews. Try to stop hurting yourself, but don’t let the scars get you down too much. They will fade, & what remains will be battle scars, a reminder of all that you have survived.
Thank you, I’ll try my hardest. And with school all the teachers have given up on me and don’t care how well I’m doing at the moment, all they can see is all the tiny bad stuff I do and get punished.
i care about u
but i have to say ya that guy is using u like a few guys that use me.
and if u wanna talk we can i am a great lisioner
Thanks 🙂
I know he is, but I really do like him and he’s soo nice to my face and everything but then I see he does the same to other girls and it confuses me and I dunno what to do 🙁
if there is one lesson girls ever will learn, its that guys give no care towards love and only thinks about sex. im glad my dad wasnt around when i was raised, or i would just be like the rest of them.
Tallking about your self. People male& felm care about sex strong very strong but if so know the pearon you chose live with them & into the same shit your got a chance.& you fine each outher hot your got a shot &in in to the same stuff
Life is so shit when ur a kid. sex and drugs do alot to the world but its no fun without it. Men are scum. weak. i know. ive seen what they do. manipulate and lie their way to get girls to do what they want then taint the girl to think shes nothing. Apparently life doesnt start til your 24. But everyday just seems to be getting worse if its not nature its human mistakes.
There are some guys who arent as bad. But too self-absorbed to open themselves up. You dont need anything but yourself. You have to realise teenage relationships are the worse. They never work out good, teenage pregancy with no dreams hating their life. Trust me both my sisters have done it. They may be surviving with a kid and another one on the way. But they have no reason to live but with kids. People have to live for themselves
Find the right person It will probably take forever or never happen but its better than being stuck to someone you hate for the rest of your life
or you could go into the darkness, and think about ur life, help the world, its getting worse. You dont need school to learn. Books are just what school is, just programmed to be remembered
Ive seen the results, of impulse, a junkie, a slut or nothing
You can achieve what you want.
Make a name for yourself.
Change schools and start again
and keep to your self
get into relationships when your ready, with financial independence (money) and realization that you are as strong as anyone.
Your the one that manipulates, it doesnt matter who u are, You are just like everyone else with the power to do what ever you want. Music is the best therapy Emimen+ Blink 182+Parkway drive+Hopsin+Pink and tattoo art is just practice Draw everything. tattoo kits are like $200 bucks on ebay
just get someone to practice on. its not very hard just got to have steady hands and a sense of balance, Google it. My friend charges $50/hr and does very well. just practice first. my first tattoo was done by a boob gun it was made out of a cassette tape player, a sewing needle and used printer ink..
Thanks 🙂
I designed a tattoo for a teacher at my school and she got it done, it was a heart bleeding, on fire with a knife stabbed through it and she got it done behind her ear 🙂
nitefreak you sound like a very wise person
I’d suggest Bach, Beethoven and especially Mozart- that music is of high vibration. That’s why it puts you to sleep or relaxes you. And it was written with love. Purpleturtle, you are the constant in your life…guys/relationships will come and go, the best relationship you can have is the one with yourself…when you get that going well, you attract someone like you…that’s the ultimate. You come first, don’t let anyone use you…
thanks, I’ll try..
Dont be manipulated, Its all an act you are being used.
Dont be so quick to grow up.
If you want him. Make all chicks scared of you
take control, your not stupid, you know whats going on.
take control.
But it wont end well, not matter what happens.
If you were smart, you would stay away.
If your intelligent, you would manipulate him
If your dumb, be used
Dont trust anyone
Live for yourself
your tattoo sounds awesome.
Tattooing is one of the most beautiful arts. I highly recommend studying it.