I feel like a worthless piece of shit. I just want to write something where I know I’m not the only one so I just looked for a random website I can post something and I found this.
I just took 6 Pizotifen tablets hoping I would die but nothing happened, sadly. But hopefully maybe the side effects will kill me later or maybe I just need to take some more. I’ve tried to kill myself 5 times now and failed. First time I tried hanging myself but there was nothing to hang myself off, second time I tried cutting down to my veins in my wrist but that failed. Third time I tried to hang myself off the door but that failed. Forth time I tried to cut my wrist again and almost did, I think if I went a tiny bit deeper it would have worked. And the fifth time is today, an overdoes but nothing has happened yet.
I don’t think anyone cares about me anymore, the boy I really love is just using me and confusing me, he says he loves me and shit and then I see the things on facebook what he says to other girls and it’s the same things as what he says to me. I found out a few weeks ago he was planning on shagging some other girl (my best friend), she told me this. But he couldn’t in the end because he was ill. There both 16, I’m 13 but I don’t give a shit about my age, I have no friends the same age as me, everyone in my year thinks I’m a freak and only the older people like me (I don’t see why though). Yesterday, Luis (the boy I like) came round and he snogged me, like he always does when we meet up, we almost had sex and it was amazing and I was sooo happy, I don’t want to loose my v yet but with him, I honestly don’t care. I know he’s using me, but I can’t pull away because I really do love him and I have for about 5 months now and I don’t like anyone else in that way. It really hurts me :(.
Anyways enough of that crap. The other reason I wanna kill myself is because I miss my mum being there, she’s never been there, she’s either in prison or pissed and it fucking kills me because I know I’ve missed out on sooo much with a mum, everyone I know has a nice mum and they tell me stuff about there mums or going out with her or something and it really makes me think how much I’m missing out on. My Dad is amazing, and I’m grateful to have one, but as much as I love him, he is always making me feel like shit, he tells me I’m a selfish ***** and I do nothing to help and when I do help it’s never enough and I have no one to go to when I have a argument with him, I normally run away for a bit and then when I get back he’s nice to me but then it just all starts again. I’m sooo horrible to him, evan he says I am and so do my friends. I don’t know what to do.. no one cares about me and I’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything.
I fucked my future up with school, never do work, always behind and they have nearly kicked me out. I’m always being excluded for stupid reasons and I’m to depressed to concentrate in lessons and they just think I mess about for attention but I don’t. I wont be able to get a good job anyways because my arms are fucked, massive wide purple and pink scars all up my arms and they will never fade, some are lumpy and theres soo many they just look like retarded wrinkles. No ones gonna want me. I wanna be a tattoo artist or a photographer but if I can’t get them jobs I’ll have to get another one and maybe the uniform will have no long sleeves. D: And if I’m lucky I wanna be a singer and play guitar, but even then everyone will know about my arms becuase it’ll be soo hard to hide :(. I’ve been self harming for over 3 years now, and I can’t stop. 🙁
I hate myself and my life 🙁
Thank you soooo much for reading all this shit if you did 😀