Fuck This Shit

You say that you are ambivalent about living and dying. What is it that makes living look even temporarily very slightly keeping you from dying right now?

Re: The general gist or your post, very familiar, except i drink what people have told me are amounts that should put most people in a coma. Only because smoking i had one or two very bad experiences, maybe because though am not at all psychotic, there is a spectrum and weed pushes me too far. Please watch out for that.

What is it with the human touch thing? It will make you feel defective (well, only from experience, given what we are conditioned to believe about relationships etc). Even hugging someone i care about, well thats worse than casual sex in a drunken haze – apparently even as a baby i did not like to be hugged. So i guess, to ‘reassure’ you, it is a spectrum. There is not a normal, no human is normal, they are all fucked up in their own ways. I don’t know your experiences, and it would be hypocritical to say ‘accept / seek help’ but sometimes there are things that are part of ‘you’ and other times its just because of shit that has happened to you. Either way, many times people can change.

The need for numbness and brain death? Do you feel you can’t face life. Or the expectations life / people / you yourself puts on you? Or is there another reason. I am not judging, have said for years that a coma is like a release. I worked once in healthcare. The people in comas were very very sad and scary – but only because they were people to start with, not shells.

I forget how this started. You are ambivalent / unsure. Is it useful to talk about the things that keep you from dying, and the things that are keeping you from really living?