I am so sick of caring. Beyond tired by this messed up life. I try and all i get is shit, I stop trying and I get even more shit. Fall in love, finally feel happy, think everything is going to be ok, and get your heart ripped out.
I don’t know what to do about myself anymore, I used to think if I could just get out of this city, travel the world, write a book, do all of those things that I’ve always wanted to do that used to mean something to me, then it would get better. I’d start to feel right, alive.
Nothing is going to change though, so what’s the point of even trying to accomplish those goals? Just so I don’t hate myself more than I already do? Doesn’t seem worth it.
I can’t even fucking try killing myself again because my family would hate me for it, I’m stuck pretending to be ok for everybody elses sake. It seems selfish, if I want to die I should have that option. Euthanasia for the eternally depressed. I can’t care about anything anymore, all I ever want to do is stay holed up inside this house day in and day out, drinking myself sick when I can, waiting until I can fall asleep again when I can’t.
I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to feel this all over again, I thought I had gotten better. But I can feel it, that dark monster inside of me that never goes away. The unexplainable rage, the coldness of just not caring anymore.
I wish I was alone in this world so that I wouldn’t feel so guilty about being such a screwed up monster.
I’m giving in to it again, the darkness in me. I’m too tired to keep fighting it, and honestly I can’t think of any reason why I should. I’m so tired all the time, I can barely move sometimes, I feel like I’m stuck in concrete. I think I’m really starting to lose my mind. I catch myself drifting off into my own thoughts, playing bad memories over and over in my head like a movie for hours on end. I don’t even realize it’s happening. I feel like something is sucking me down into my own head and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m losing myself inside of myself. The pain is getting stronger while I’m getting weaker, soon I don’t think there will be anything left of me.
I’m just going to embrace it again, like I did the last time it got this bad. I’m going to throw myself into the anger and let it control me, I’m not going to give a shit about anything. I’m going get drunk and climb onto rooftops and steal and sneak into buildings, and take whatever drugs I can get my hands on.
If I’ve got to live like this again, then I’m gunna at least get some fun out of it. Add a few more near death stories to the pile.
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2 comments
I relate to everything you said, but I would never speak about you in that way nor myself…it just compounds an already difficult reality. I encourage you to not buy into how you feel or what you think….I feel crap, I’m scared of my mind but with my will I fight and believe and focus on the fact that I’m an amazing individual as is everyone else on here….it’s the self loathing and judgment that further makes a mess of things. Try to keep things separate….hope this makes a bit of sense. I’ve been in a suspended state not being able to affect positive change in my reality but I’m not going to kick myself for it….nor should you brother…..Cheers!
Thanks, I know I’m not the only one feeling this way but it helps actually hearing it from somebody. Not that I’d wish this on anybody. I’m still trying to feel differently, I know I won’t ever kill myself over it because I know firsthand what that does to a family. I don’t want to want to kill myself though, I want to feel happy, or at least content or bored like so many other people do. They make it look so easy. It’s hard. Working on it, thanks again.