So I guess we can be proud I went a month without having to much problems from my depression but that was mostly due to all the weed and alcohol I was consuming. People think I have a problem and I do, I can’t stop depending on drugs and Alcohol to keep me from ending my life.
They look at me with pity but they just think I like being in another world which I do don’t get me wrong it makes me forget about everything I’m going through, but I would love to live a life where I could be happy and sober. I’m just starting college things are supposed to be great I’m starting a new path in this thing called life, but all I can do is wish I didn’t have to go. Things really haven’t changed my so called friends, still go to me to cheer them up but they have yet noticed pretty blunt out there things telling them that I’m fucked up and I need help…
All I can think about is how I wish I was brave enough to take my life, but I’m scared and people say that’s good because that means you really don’t want to die… but I do. What I’m scared of is that people will be happy I finally offed myself and that I’m going to fade into a memory nobody remembers. Which may sound twisted and basically making me sound like I want the attention of a person who commits suicide but I really don’t. Whenever I get over this fear, I”m going to take my life in the night when nobodies awake and nobody can save or stop me.
I”m just so done with being the one who has to be happy for everybody the one everybody goes to. The one with a fake ass smile so fake that I don’t know how people don’t notice how fake it is. One of my closest friends just pretty much started a problem over something that wasn’t even anything to make into a fight its more of a feeling that she has been waiting for me to make a little mistake so she can use it as an excuse of why she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore… Even though a few short months ago she thought I was pushing her away… which I wasn’t I just had other things to worry about… I’ve tried talking tried getting help… but none of it works and I don’t know what else to do to make someone see how fucking i dont even know the word How impossibly lonely And Depressed I get. And that I’m struggling to stay living even though all its done to me is cause me immense pain. I’m not trying to whine It’s more of a rant I guess of things I need to let out…
Love life non existent unless you count all the meaningless hookups I’ve had… I have so many guys tell me they like me and want to be with me and then it just turns out they want in my pants… and me not wanting to be a one night stand i stay friends with the guys who use me.. over and over again…Â i just don’t understand I’ve been through so much crap and shit and things most people wouldn’t be able to put up with when is it my turn to get a break from all of it and just be able to be happy and in peace even if it was just for a day… but no thats now how life works and I fucking hate it…