I can’t count the ultimatums I’ve given. He’s cheated. He’s lied. He lied LAST NIGHT. He drinks. He lies about drinking. He cheats. He beats me. And of course he plays it all down like it’s nothing. Now he’s in therapy. Too little too late. I’m dead inside. I don’t want to go back to my suffocatingly conservative and all-around selfish and rude family. they’re 3,000 miles away anyway. I never let friends get too close to me because my friendships usually end up working out as poorly as my marriage did. I can’t remember the last time i was happy…Â I wanna say maybe age five through ten. When my little brother was still my little brother.
Suicide used to be a passing thought, it would fly in and out of my brain like a cute little bird. Oh how silly. Me, kill myself?? Oh dear, never. I’m not that selfish…. but really, I am. I’m selfish. I know it. I’m tired of pouring myself into relationships with people who don’t deserve it. I turned aÂ leaf for the worse. I find joy in nothing now. I lost 20 pounds. Am I thin enough yet? No. Am I pretty enough yet? No. I have my mom and dad to remind me how blond and thin i need to be. I’m sick of this body. I’m sick of this makeup. And this furniture and the people with their coiffed hair and I’m sick of the obviously impending apocalypse.
I keep watching episodes of ‘I survived, Beyond and Back,’ it makes dying sound so wonderful. Sometimes I imagine the beauty of what it must be like and I just cry. I probably would have killed myself by now if I didn’t love my animals so much. But at this point I’m stuck. I have no family to talk to, I have very few friends. My closest friend is also going through a divorce. I don’t want to disappoint her either. I just want it all to be over. I don’t want to wait anymore.
The thought occurs to me at least everyday now. I have flashes of walking into the kitchen and just slitting my wrists longways. What a terrible mess to clean up, but I can’t imagine it would ever be something I’d plan out. It would be impulsive. And most likely mistake. But it’s on my mind more often than it should be. That’s for sure.