i have always been a weird person and i have never been able to explain myself to other people properly. i’ve therefore developed an instinct of looking “normal” in my day to day life and keeping my own feelings and opinions to myself all the time so that e.g. i won’t be bullied at school, i won’t be shunned by my colleagues at work, i won’t be scolded by my parents etc.. i also never trusted people easily due to bad memories and experiences, mostly due to ex-boyfriends that i was stupid enough to open up to only to be turned down and dumped or simply treated like trash.
but recently, i really thought and believed from the bottom of my heart that everything was going wonderful. i have been with my boyfriend for about a year and i was looking for a house. i got a new job with nice co-workers and doing what i wanted to do and just feeling content if not happy with myself in general when my boyfriend asked me to move in together. it took me a really long time to trust him, but by then i was completely in love with him and i’d trust him with my life. we looked for the perfect place for “us” and for “our” future for a long time and finally moved in a month ago. i dont have many friends but all my co-workers and even my parents were happy for me.
after 4 weeks, he realized he can’t live with me and he doesn’t even love me anymore. the home contract belongs to him (though we pay the rent together) so basically he’s kicking me out, dumping me and leaving me with absolutely no one to support me because he’s the person whose support i’d seek in a situation like this. i am so tired of all the pain, all the disappointment, so tired of bursting in to tears every time i enter the kitchen because it was supposed to be “our” kitchen..
i want to tell myself Â “you’re stronger than this, you’ve been alone all your life and you managed, you got over so many arses like him before” but what’s the point? i’ll never find the love of my life, and if i do i’ll never be able to trust him. actually i don’t think i’ll trust anyone else ever again..
i just wake up every morning crying just because i woke up.. all in all, i guess i need some advise cause everything is so painful and pointless right now..