Its the new year.. I survived the two worst years of my life. Butt the worst is yet to come. My dad still lives. I am happy that he lived to Christmas.. But.. Now i have to wait and continue to watch him die… I dont think anyone out there knows how much it hurts watching someone you love die.. Especialy your own father.. I sit in my room blasting music by Breaking Benjermin. I cry. I pray. I hope. And sadly.. I die.
My light has left my sole. And i know now it will never come back. I sit and think to myself. “Why am i still alive?” I’ve never felt so much pain in all my life.. I dont want to go home.. I dont want to be in that house and just sit there listening and watching my father die.. But i have no choice. I have to go home. Im a 16 year old teenage girl who feels like shes a 61 year old women. My body achs. My head is pounding (and no not from the music) if im at school, I have my moments of happieness. But then im alone in class and my mind wonders.. ” I wonder if i could die bye jumping out the window?” Or “could i hang myself in the gym?” Those are some of the many thoughts that cross my mind.
I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. I sit up. I cry. I shower or wash my face and try to fight back more tears. I put on a fake smile for my mom and force out a laugh. Now dont get me wrong ther are times when i laugh for real. But those times never last long. I smile in the morning for seeing my friends and the boy i like. But then.. After i see there smieling faces and how happy there lives are.. I get sad. And i think to myself how.. Unhappy i am and how bad i just want to lie in bed and cry. Sometimes it gets so bad ill say i have to go to the nurse just to get away from the kids in class who pick on me. I go to the auditorium and cry my eyes out. I feel more pain poor into me. I beg for death. I welcome it with open armes sometimes. I’ve never wanted to be in a coma or dead so bad in my entire life. I will be 17 January 31st but… I dont think ill make it that far. I need help but no one can give it to me. No one will let me stay in bed and sleep or get out of Deer Park for a week especialy after just taking a break. So i suffer in pain and sorrow. I want to claw my eyes out at times.
Everything gets me upset. Everything makes me cry. All i want to do is make it go away. I just want peace.. Thats all…… But i cant have it…
And as of now all i can think about… Is my death.
I dont want to die. I want to live a good long happy life.. But the sadness and pain is slowly taking over me… Dear God help me.. Dont let me Die… Please.. Someone… Save me!
6 comments
hey, were a class who just did a project on suicide and we want to help you. First we think you should find someone to talk to, theres always someone to talk to whether its a teacher or a counsoler there’s someone willing to help. we are here for you and you can vent to us. Think about your family, were sure your father wants you to move on with your life and be happy. Your mother is probably going through the same thing and we dont think she could go through the death of your father and you. You have so much more to live for and your mother needs you! You’re only sixteen and theres soo much more to experience and see. trust us were your age! we’re an all girls school so we understand we’re your coming from and we have all lost loved ones. please respond! thanks!
thank you all for reading what ive written.. but sadly i dout (cant spell sorry) any of you have been raped… twice… that and watching him die is not easy….. each day is a struggle and i dont kow if i can take it… im so tired.. i just want peace…
reguardless of what everyone tells you, i know that you probably dont feel like you can tell JUST anyone about those damaging thoughts you are having. people have so many opinions on suicide related issues, and many people will just tell you exactley what the last guy said. getting help is sometimes difficult for people. I know this first hand. my boyfriend committed suicide in 2007. i didnt realize it then, but i know to take it to that extreme his soul really must have been suffering. i only wish that i could have been more understanding then i was. actually i was in the dark and didnt think it was that serious. but obviously it was. so here i am…3 years later. raising his 3 year old son that he never got the chance to see. i live everyday with the consequences of his actions. i do not blame him nor am i angry with him, but i will probably forever live with half my heart. now im not trying to pull your direction into the pitty party of the survivors…i just want you to think for one second the impact your death would have on people you probably sometimes doubt love you. people are going to blame themselves for your death. they are going to point fingers. i am still being harrassed and slandered by my boyfriends family who is looking for anyone to blame, just to have a reason for my boyfriends actions. when in reality my boyfriend was being eaten up by a disease called “depression” i want to tell you to hang on a little longer. and i hope you will. you are soon to be 17. you will have opportunities to control your own life soon. i know watching your father slowly die is horrible. i had to watch my dad, who was my hero, die due to cancer. it has been 8 years and i still miss my father. no man can compare. but from that experience, i have been thankful for the time i had with him. because even if he is sick or whatever……its more time. even though it hurts. because once he is gone, the pain is greater. your story stuck out to me because you worry about alot of future things, simular to my boyfriend. know that at any moment you can change your life. try to focus on being 17. i will tell you this much, worrying about your future now shows me that one day you will meet all your goals and you will look back and wonder why you never saw how much you had to live for. i have 3 children now. and i am only 28. i like to think that if you were my child, that some gracious stranger would write you the same hoping for a better outcome. if you ever need to talk, know that i am a reply away……i really hope this comment sticks with you 🙂
wow. that was very sweet of you to say. and yes. this will stick with me. thank you. and im sorry about your boyfriend. i will try to take ur advice. i promise. but sadly i cant make any promises on what i might or want to do. once i black out (get so upset i blackout sometimes) i dont know what ill do. i have no controle..
hey i used to listen to BB all the time especially the dear agony album when i was sad. I have never had to deal witht he pain your goin threw. I have a good mind on things. Dont hurt yourself its not the way. I dont know if you will get mad at me for saying this but im sure your father wants the best for you and hurting yourself and being sad isnt it. If you wanna talk let me know im here.
why would i get mad? your just speaking your mind. theres nothing wrong with that. i dont want to hurt myself.. but… i just cant seem to find any other way to deal with the pain…. im scared ill do something bad….