Its the new year..Â I survived the two worst years of my life. Butt the worst is yet to come. My dad still lives. I am happy that he lived to Christmas.. But.. Now i have to wait and continue to watch him die…Â I dont think anyone out there knows how much it hurts watching someone you love die.. Especialy your own father.. I sit in my room blasting music by Breaking Benjermin. I cry. I pray. I hope. And sadly..Â I die.
My light has left my sole. And i know now it will never come back. I sit and think to myself. “Why am i still alive?” I’ve never felt so much pain in all my life..Â I dont want to go home..Â I dont want to be in that house and just sit there listening and watching my father die.. But i have no choice.Â I have to go home. Im a 16 year old teenage girl who feels like shes a 61 year old women. My body achs. My head is pounding (and no not from the music) if im at school,Â I have my moments of happieness. But then im alone in class and my mind wonders.. ” I wonder if i could die bye jumping out the window?” Or “could i hang myself in the gym?” Those are some of the many thoughts that cross my mind.
I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning.Â I sit up.Â I cry.Â I shower or wash my face and try to fight back more tears.Â I put on a fake smile for my mom and force out a laugh. Now dont get me wrong ther are times when i laugh for real. But those times never last long.Â I smile in the morning for seeing my friends and the boy i like. But then.. After i see there smieling faces and how happy there lives are..Â I get sad. And i think to myself how.. Unhappy i am and how bad i just want to lie in bed and cry. Sometimes it gets so bad ill say i have to go to the nurse just to get away from the kids in class who pick on me.Â I go to the auditorium and cry my eyes out.Â I feel more pain poor into me.Â I beg for death.Â I welcome it with open armes sometimes. I’ve never wanted to be in a coma or dead so bad in my entire life.Â I will be 17 January 31st but…Â I dont think ill make it that far.Â I need help but no one can give it to me. No one will let me stay in bed and sleep or get out of Deer Park for a week especialy after just taking a break. So i suffer in pain and sorrow.Â I want to claw my eyes out at times.
Everything gets me upset. Everything makes me cry. All i want to do is make it go away. I just want peace.. Thats all…… But i cant have it…
And as of now all i can think about… Is my death.
IÂ dont want to die.Â I want to live a good long happy life.. But the sadness and pain is slowly taking over me… Dear God help me.. Dont let me Die… Please.. Someone… Save me!