I’m So Done with fucking life… 15 years ago when I was five I was always told how much of a strong girl i had been for making it through the things that went on when i was only 5… I thought things got better in life thats what everybody fucking says… we ll let me tell you Since I have been born My life has been Shit I had be to be in an encubater fucking thing for 3 weeks I almost died… And I wish I did… then my mom left when i was 3 and it can go on and on but im not here to make you guys feel sorry for me I just IDK losing my mind… I’m Just done being the strong girl that everybody sees when HONEST TO GOD I’ve been feeling quite the opposite… I am not holding on to this pathetic life all to well and all i ever do is wish I would get Killed somehow or just idfk I just want it done I hate who I have turned into a huge insensitive ***** because I don’t know what It’s like to have feelings… I made those fucking things leave a long ass time ago. I couldn’t deal with constantly being back stabbed hit abused by my family and friends… I couldnt take it so I fucking threw my feelings out of my life so I couldn’t feel shit anymore because I was done… I was done feeling hurt and feeling ashamed selfish pain constantly sadness I couldn’t take it I really honestly don’t know what its like to be happy… I’ve never really had a time In my life that I remember having any happy moment in my life… I can get close to it if I smoke weed or drink or do extacy Thats what is so fucking irritating that I can’t even get at least that close to being happy While I’m sober… Nobody understands me I tried talking to my dad Tried telling HIM i had issues but he won’t listen because he doesnt want another kid having a mental disorder… Well I don’t know where to get help I TRY to go to my friends and all they do is act like i never even said one thing or showed them the cuts and scars all over my wrists… What do you do when the closest people to you don’t take it as a serious thing…
I Mean I laugh and smile a lot and act like I’m the happiest fucking person in the world I’m the blubbly and ignorant one the one that doesn’t know nothing about nothing and that wouldn’t even realize i was homeless if i was because I would be to happy… BUT I’m not I’m struggling to stay here it gets harder every day … I know i just started college but I’m not even sure if I can do that… and idk i just fuck i dont want to fuck everything up even more… thats all i can do is fuck things up say one wrong thing or do something totally harmless and you get backstabbed…
I JUST want out of this fucking life I’m done trying to be the girl everybody thinks is me…
8 comments
i know how you feel…i kinda relate to this situation. but you are only 20…you are not even an adult yet…just try to find someone you will talk to who will listen to you. At your age people sometimes think things are really bad and its the end when in reality it will get better. Once you will be a full grown adult around 23 or 24 then i guess you will be able to figure out your options more clearly.
if u need to talk i’m here.
I know what you mean :/ I’m 20 too and Ive been backstabbed and lied to by what I thought were my bestfriends. I took drugs for alot of my teen years because it was the only way I could get out of reality and stop worrying about all the bullshit in life. When i was 18 I got properly screwed over by my friends bigtime, n I got depressed and didnt leave the house for 2 years.. I tried killing myself on my 20th birthday and I ended up in a psychiatric ward for 19 days.. im not living for anything anymore.. Ive wanted to die since I was 13, I used to cut a lot too. but yeah I put on a fake smile too.. Just to hide the fact I hate my existance and im getting ready to leave SOON. if you wanna talk, we can email? up to you though.
Sorry to hear all that. Am not going to rant, just yes for some people it will get better with age. Sometimes the most important thing is to make sure these thoughts are changed asap. Clearly, you say there has been some negativity for 15 years. That is a long time, but don’t let it get to 20, or 40 or 60. Find someone, a professional or someone else, a hotline, anyone you can trust. Talking, if you can manage it, face to face (ok, i am a hypocrite) but please try it.
You are young. Living a facade is fine if you don’t notice thats what you are doing, because i believe that is all anyone does. HOWEVER, once you recognise everything is a performance, please get some help. Because i did the same, very successfully for many years. Now it has collapsed, i am utterly nothing, and (je ne regrette rien) would make the most of what you can as soon as you can. Eventually things make wine or go sour. Go for the latter, please.
Okay, so, i found this site because im a schizoid.
This is what I tell people who are fucked like me.
Accept that there is nothing. Empty your brain.
Say to yourself, I am emptying my brain, it is empty.
Then take perspective how small you are in this universe,
fathom how you are connected to everything and everyone.
All these nut jobs on here saying things will get better. Oh it gets better.
Guess what? Thats not true. It could get worse. It could get way worse.
Accept the balance that is there. You can balance whichever way you like
the option is yours.
You say your friends do not respond to your attempts at getting help?
Thats because they are reflecting you, and right now you are barely willing
to accept that you need a helping hand. Your friends may not be the ones
you need to ask for help. Maybe your parents are not the ones you need
to be asking either.
You need to ask yourself what YOU need to be healthy again. Maybe you just
need someone to talk to? Talk to yourself, thats what I do. heh.
(source: self-loathing, pathetic, depressed, social awkward, lazy intellectual, who manages to surive day after day.) u can msg me if you like.
HI, i know this post is pretty old but I found this page on google and your words resonated with me, I have a question and i hope its doesnt sound stupid: but how do you talk to yourself? i dont know how to talk to myself..
Oh…the drinking…is not so good..the Ecstasy,,really burns yah out…but keep smoking the weed it does help with negative emotions.
akgirl are u still here i hope u are i want to help and im here for u if u need to talk to someone