first of all i want to apologize for any grammar mistakes because English is the third language I have learned.
I feel that i can’t take it anymore. I constantly fall depressed because of things that going on in the family. But those things are not what i want to talk about. I want to talk about my feelings. Lately I have started to feel that all this pressure is just too much for me I’m falling apart and I feel there is no one who could listen and understand what I feel. They will never do this without judging me and telling me that I’m wrong. I already know how they will react and what will they say. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS CRAP ANYMORE! I don’t want anyone to take my pain away…I’m not asking anyone to help me, I just want someone to talk to without being afraid, without being scared. I’m sure that if anyone will ever know what im thinking and feeling they will shut me in an rehab center or make me drink pills and all those anti depressive drugs.
After all I have been trough one of the things that troubles me much is that I’m really scared of man. I hate them. I had one boyfriend and boys who were in love with me but i felt bad . I didn’t want them and i was scared being touched..generally i really hate when people are touching me and when man do that it really makes me go mad.
Besides all of that I feel like there is no any place on earth which is for me. I feel like a stranger everywhere’ in school with friends.. I don’t feel like I belong I don’t fell like this is my place and I feel alone although I know that there are people I CAN talk to like my best friend but it feel as if she is to busy for that and. she probably doesn’t need to hear all that I feel. I feel really empty.. I feel too empty .. I don’t feel alive anymore. I’m not going out with friends. I know that no one will call me and ask me to go out and have some fun. I know that everyone got their own life and I just don’t . I want to feel alive. I want to be needed and feel wanted. my family it’s just me . my parents and my big sister and her little girl. I don’t have any more relatives , they all died when I was a little girl and sometimes I feel that there is a hole where my family should be.
I can’t tell anyone about my problems or the things I feel. and I don’t want to go on living because I feel like a slave of the democracy and the “laws” which pretend to protects us when actually we have no powers or the ability to stand for our rights. I feel they are killing us controlling us with all what they make, the T.V the school. the world they created for us is build in the purpose of making us slaves to them so we will work them forever. they make use of us.
I DON’T WANT TO CONTINUE THIS WAY. I want that to change, I want people to change. I had enough of feeling like a freak because I’m not like most of the people. that will never happen right? so I want to end this life. I feel like I can’t and don’t want to go on. the thing I really want is to go home . to safety to peace, i know this home doesn’t exists here so i want go. end this. find another place to be in. I rather be dead then live for the sake of the people who are using us. I rather be dead than continue living as if I’m not.
I hope for all the people who feel like me. If there are any who feel like this, that the world would be better soon and that all that misery and agony that hunts us will go away. I hope that soon people will stop feeling empty and neglected just because they are not like the rest. just because they think differently and looks differently.
And I’m really sorry for the long post but I felt the need to write it because I feel it may be the last thing that I will ever write. If that feeling won’t go away. If I won’t find any reason to live or fell any need to I really think I’m going to end all of this.