I want it all to end so badly. I’ve been living this perpetual lie. The entire family thinks I’m in grad school, even though I’m not. I’m fat and overweight. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’m in debt with collectors constantly calling. Got fired from my job. As of me writing this right now, things look bleak. Often times I sit and stare at this hunting knife imagining how it would be if I ended my life. Only reason I don’t is because I’m a *****, and I don’t want to burden my family. Also, I’m semi-religious, and suicide would be a mortal sin.
I’ve made plans to dig myself out of this rut, by working and studying to get into grad school. I see how hard my parents work to support me and it is the only motivating force to keep me going. I hate my father, but love my mother to death.
I’m too scared to admit to my parents what I’ve really done. I feel that if I come clean now, after all the lies, they would disown me. That would be worse than dying.
I try so hard to be positive, but it is emotionally draining. I fear that if my life does not take a 180 degree turn within the next two months, then it really will end.
I wish I could talk to someone. Someone to comfort me. Someone to tell me it’s all right. I fear God has abandoned me, and that often times I’m being punished for my wicked deeds.
It is sad that the only “light” at the end of the tunnel, is the lure of devil.
If someone can help, please give me some advice. Any words of encouragement, so that I can feel better. I want to stop sitting in a dark cold room (dark and cold because I can barely afford to pay utility bills) and crying. I look back and realize exactly where I made my mistakes. Yet, I never learn.
Please help me. I just need someone to talk to.