I have been grappling with this decision for a long time. Â I have 3 kids…but I know they’d be better off without me. Â They may not think so initially, they will probably hate me for my decision. Â Ultimately, they will continue to live and the world will go on without me just fine.
I have been abused in every way imaginable. As a small girl my innocence was taken and I have been tossed about like a rag doll. Â Everyone I trust has let me down. My life has been a lie since I was born. Â I got married when I was barely 20. He seem to be very nice, kind, and caring. I bought into the sad stories of his losing his mom at 9 years old. Â Dealing with instability and lonliness. I wanted to save him. Â I’m a nurturer. Â I found out that he was a sex addict and cheated on me repeatedly while I was pregnant and at other times. Â I tried to forgive when he wept and wailed and begged me that he would never do it again. I felt I needed to take care of him…for better or worse. He then starts talked from God and hearing voices and later was diagnosed Bi-polar but refuses to take medication. Â I have been mentally abused by him, and put into extremely dangerous situations. Once his utter recklessness caused him to get my eldest daughter and I into a head-on collision. Â We survived, but needed surgeries. Â I wanted to believe it was an accident, but Â now he’s done something stupid that has cause him to lose his job, all financial income, and now me and my kids are going to end up on the streets. Â I’ve worked on and off, but been laid off recently. Â I was offered a job that seemed like a dream come true and answer to my prayers, but they just called me today and rescinded the offer over an error not my own. Â My best friend was killed July 16, 2010 in a car crash. Â This devastated me to completion…but now everything is coming to a head.
I need an escape and the only one I have is death. Â I hate having to do this because my mom just buried 2 brothers in the last 60 days and I know it will hurt her even more. I know there is no money to bury me, but I will leave a note to cremate which is cheapest. Â I’m 31 and my youngest 2 kids are 3 year old twins. Â I don’t think they will remember me, so I’m most concerned about my oldest who is 13. I don’t want her to find me. She was so happy I’d gotten the job and now I’m nothing but another disappointment to her.
I just need to narrow down when to do it. I was going to stage a car wreck maybe run into a semi-truck. Now I may do the car fumesÂ strategy. Â I really wish I could have given my kids a good life….but I failed. Â I know a merciful God will look after them.
I’m so tired……..but will finally rest soon……