I have been grappling with this decision for a long time. Â I have 3 kids…but I know they’d be better off without me. Â They may not think so initially, they will probably hate me for my decision. Â Ultimately, they will continue to live and the world will go on without me just fine.
I have been abused in every way imaginable. As a small girl my innocence was taken and I have been tossed about like a rag doll.  Everyone I trust has let me down. My life has been a lie since I was born.  I got married when I was barely 20. He seem to be very nice, kind, and caring. I bought into the sad stories of his losing his mom at 9 years old.  Dealing with instability and lonliness. I wanted to save him.  I’m a nurturer.  I found out that he was a sex addict and cheated on me repeatedly while I was pregnant and at other times.  I tried to forgive when he wept and wailed and begged me that he would never do it again. I felt I needed to take care of him…for better or worse. He then starts talked from God and hearing voices and later was diagnosed Bi-polar but refuses to take medication.  I have been mentally abused by him, and put into extremely dangerous situations. Once his utter recklessness caused him to get my eldest daughter and I into a head-on collision.  We survived, but needed surgeries.  I wanted to believe it was an accident, but  now he’s done something stupid that has cause him to lose his job, all financial income, and now me and my kids are going to end up on the streets.  I’ve worked on and off, but been laid off recently.  I was offered a job that seemed like a dream come true and answer to my prayers, but they just called me today and rescinded the offer over an error not my own.  My best friend was killed July 16, 2010 in a car crash.  This devastated me to completion…but now everything is coming to a head.
I need an escape and the only one I have is death. Â I hate having to do this because my mom just buried 2 brothers in the last 60 days and I know it will hurt her even more. I know there is no money to bury me, but I will leave a note to cremate which is cheapest. Â I’m 31 and my youngest 2 kids are 3 year old twins. Â I don’t think they will remember me, so I’m most concerned about my oldest who is 13. I don’t want her to find me. She was so happy I’d gotten the job and now I’m nothing but another disappointment to her.
I just need to narrow down when to do it. I was going to stage a car wreck maybe run into a semi-truck. Now I may do the car fumes strategy.  I really wish I could have given my kids a good life….but I failed.  I know a merciful God will look after them.
I’m so tired……..but will finally rest soon……
7 comments
My deepest sympathies for everything that has happened to you. I know I can’t begin to understand the hardship you have endured but is suicide really the best option? It is easy to feel like it but there is always a chance and a way to find a better future, if you believe a merciful God can save and help your kids why can’t he help you and help you to help them? It isn’t my place to tell you what is right but is it really better to leave your kids with no mother? You have made it this far and if you believe and find some hope where there seems to be none then you can make it through this. It will definitely not be easy but there is always a way, call it blind optimism but I believe anyone who has the strength to write there story can be saved. Have faith and you can do anything
I’ll never know how it is to be in your shoes, but I know what it is to live with someone (my father) with so many problems. If my mom didn’t take care of things, we would have ended up on the streets nearly 2 decades ago. Imagine what would happen if you left your children with such a troubled man — after all, you seem like the rational person in the family. Your kids will never be better off without you. Plus, I don’t think your daughter is disappointed in you, but rather, disappointed for you.
Maybe it would help by asking for assistance from the government or get unemployment checks. I know getting “charity” may not sound very… preferable, but it should take some stress off if you are eligible.
If not, maybe you might want to consider divorce. I don’t want to sound critical because I don’t know anything about your life other than what you wrote, but your husband seems to be the problem — not you. You can’t fix him when he’s breaking you.
Hope this helps, and G-d bless.
I think you should stick around to take care of your kids. They’re going to make it, yes, but think about how good of a father your husband will be without you. And would you want them growing up in foster homes?
Have you talked to a social worker about your troubles? Maybe they can help you find work.
If you need a partner to go through with this let me konw. I am also determined to end my life but I would prefer not to do this alone. I have tried everything to find a solution to my isolation and depression but this is now my only answer and way out. I can send you my email address if you wish.
Ur children and their continuation could be your purpose in life. Good and unexpected things may come out of them..
You’ll never know nor realize it when you die..think about it
reasons to reconsider in your own words:
[my mom just buried 2 brothers in the last 60 days and I know it will hurt her even more]
[I’m 31 and my youngest 2 kids are 3 year old twins. ]
[She was so happy I’d gotten the job and now I’m nothing but another disappointment to her.]
did she call you a disappointment?
geez. you have 3 kids.. imagine how much you’ll scar them for the rest of their lives let alone they have a piece of shit dad. imagine the example your setting for them. imagine how this decision could affect your kids in the future. one death is enough to grieve over but your mom has been strong enough to stick through losing two children. i have a family member who’s going through the same thing you are with one kid. opportunities make them selves available over time and i truly believe if your strong and stick through this you’ll be rewarded. please i’m begging you seek help and stay strong for your kids.
There’s a time when I would say, okay you’ve had it really rough and I wouldn’t say exiting is a bad thing. I feel your pain. You may not look at it like this…but the sense I get is you have the opportunity to fight for yourself and especially your kids-that could be a goal for you.
Pain isn’t an automatic reason to check out. It’s meant to make a fighter out of you. Like everyone else said…your two little ones-your decision is going to negatively impact THEIR lives. You’re not crippled, you don’t have a terminal disease….you’re tired, I understand but seek all the help you can get. My parents split when I was 5 and the pain that brought-my mom passed when I was 31-that shattered me. Again, you have an opportunity to change things and make some healthy decisions that help you and your kids….fight for yourself…..whatever doesn’t support you and isn’t healthy for you…clean it out of your life. You can do this! This is one time I would say keep fighting. I hope you will do what’s is best. Be well!