I just want the pain to stop. Every single day is the same recurring nightmare of a useless life and I don’t want another day of it. Every night I fall asleep praying that I never wake up, and when I do I can only feel depression that I have to go through another day of the same shit. Despite taking every type of psychiatric medication agenda and treatment, I have tried to kill myself numerous times; cutting my wrists, trying to OD on sleeping pills antidepressants and alcohol, suffocating myself with a plastic bag and finding myself standing on the top level of the same parking garage looking down world below so many times that I’ve actually lost count. I’ve come out alive every time and all I feel from the each experience is disappointment that I’m still here. My life is pitiful and pointless. I’m 22, barely passed high school, dropped out of college twice, can’t hold a job, live at my moms and drove away the only girl who ever loved me because I’m fucking mental. Thoughts of her and the times that actually made me feel like there was a purpose for me in this life haunt my thoughts and every time the obsession creeps across my mind it steers me even further from reality. She tried everything she could to be with me, to be good to me and to love me but once she told me she just couldn’t be in our relationship I immediately resorted back to my insanity and found myself on the top story of the same parking garage the next night. I made it through the night only to OD the next night and then find myself back in the hospital in a suicide prevention unit the day after. She couldn’t handle being involved with somebody who can even act on taking their own life, and I don’t blame her. I miss her with every part of me every day but I want her to be happy and the best thing I can do for her is leave her alone and let her enjoy being alive like everyone else, so that’s what I’ve done.
I don’t feel like I ever have been or ever will be normal. I want to fit in with the real world, to have intrests and pursuits, to be funny and witty again, to be a normal fucking person that can move on and live life but that never has been me. I was born in to this world with alcoholism and mental illness running rampid through my genes and an grew up in a dysfunctional family that provided me no guidance on how to live a good life and that defines who I am; a lost cause from the start. I have no values, no morals, and most importantly no idea how I’m ever going to fucking make it. I force myself to go to the gym every single day only to walk away at the end feeling worse then when I left. I don’t feel hunger anymore, don’t feel physical pain and have become so accustomed to mental anguish that the only crying I do is mustering out a few tears down my cheek when I’m staring at whatever method of killing myself I’ve come up with. I’ve spent my entire life living in the same self imprisonment every single day and I don’t know any other way to live. I’m sick and tired of trying, I’m too fucked up in the head to ever grow a pair and be a man.
I’m starting electroconvulsive therapy on Friday and this is it, this is my last attempt at being alive and to be a normal person. I’m doing this for everyone else, my mom, my sister, my friends and even my ex. I don’t want to hurt anybody and I understand the consequences and impact of my actions on others but I just don’t fucking care anymore. It’s my life and, good or bad, I ultimately make the choice of what to do with it and living in this continuous state of drowning in misery is not something I’m going to stick around for. I thought writing this would bring me solace, maybe calm me down for right now but all it is doing is making my thoughts race even more and making me realize that I can sum up this bucket of shit that is me in a few paragraphs. I’m trying to make it to Friday, I really am but my head is still doing it’s best to keep me from it. I’m going to drink until I can’t stand, take my sleeping pills and start off tomorrow the same as every other day; disappointed that I’m still alive.
5 comments
I feel sad that the only thing I can do is wish you the best, but I do so regardless.
thank you sad thoughts, it’s hard for me to see it but i know inside me i do appreciate your words
and it is nice to know that someone out there actually did read my words
different circumstances….but i feel the exact same way….i just don’t know anymore….sigh
Hey I have very similar situation and state, and about the ages as you, when you wrote this post..