im sick.

i dont know whats wrong with me.

im a 17 year old girl. actually i never thought or planned on living this long. i never wanted to see a day past 16.

 ive never really had anything traumatic happen in my life. well my father abused me until around 4yrs, but my mother finally left him.

that may be one problem. i constantly need male attention. i never had a real solid dad. only sketchy stepdads. and now i find whenever i have a guys attention, i hold on to it. and i feed off of every second of it. i love feeling wanted and almost needed. i think this last guy has pushed me to my edge. i gave him my virginity. the first day i met him. in a wooden park. i just knew he was it. he was what made me feel whole. he was the male version of myself. of course i wanted to give him everything, i never wanted him to leave me. i had to give him sex everytime we saw eachother. i had to keep him happy. i even went through a pregnancy scare for him. he told me he’d always be there for me no matter what. but that does not appear so, seeing as how he has left me for a random “ghetto” chick, who will never understand him and appreciate him as much as i did.

this could be what finally pushes me over.

i go to therapy once a week, ive had a couple attempts, and i used to cut often, but only on my legs because i didnt want people to notice.

i take seroquel, limictal, effexor, concerta.

none of it helps. i still feel the same. but im scared to tell my doctor or my mother, i dont want to be sent to another hospital. ive been 4 times already. one more time and i get sent to my city’s mental ward, and that thought scares me.

but its getting really hard to just swallow it all and pretend my medication is working and pretend im not constantly stuck in a glass box and pretend that i have hope.

i cant feel true happiness, atleast thats what my doctor told me.

i have “dysthmia” meaning i never feel complete happiness. theres always sad or anger somewhere.

whats the point of living with that. i get to be content with life for 10 minutes only to be back to myself when the funs over.

its all beginning to seem rather pointless.

i feel alone. very alone.

and ive been carrying around my bottle of lunesta, which sounds very funny. i have like a 30 day supply of 3mg. im hoping if i take them all i can just go to sleep. but i keep debating, or maybe im just hoping that something is going to stop me before i get so upset i cant control myself.