its become to much

i cant remer very much of my child hood wat i can rember is when i was about 5 years old my mom married her 4th husband things wernt going good although notin in my life has she threatened to send me to my dad which at this time i have no memories of or anything just the words of her always elling me how bad of a person he was later that night i tried to beat my head in with a pipe wrench to this day i still have cracks i can feel in my skull from it later we moved to a little town there i found more pain that i could of ever imagined i couldnt make any friends at school and it seemed like every on hatted me after some time around 7 or 8 now i tryed to hang myself to my disapoinment the rope broke my mom took me to a shrink and she precribed me ridilan on the first does it seemed to increase my emptyness i attmpted to cut my throat to end up missing any vital parts now anything from that time to when i was about 14 i have no memory at all at 14 i got my first girlfriend after a few months she dumped me it happened again tis time i tryed to cut my chest open to rip out my heart i managed to cut my chest open but than i lost cauntioness we starteed dating again it lasted for a few years till i was about 16 and she got preagneant she told me it was mine so i started working full time to support the child during he preagnancy she kept (joking in her words at the time) that she cheated on me and the baby wasnt mine a couple days after she gives birth my moms new boyfriend an alcoholic starts yelling at my mom in the middle of the night my little sister about 15 at this time asked him to be quiet he told her to shut up u little whore now to explain were im comming from ive done my best my entire life through all my hatred and sadness to make sure no one or nothin harmed my little sister so at this point i snapped i started screaming at him telling him i was going to rip his heart out and eat it my sister called the cops before i got more furrious a few weeks later he kills himself by driveing into oncomming traffic on the highway while drunk i get phone calls and leter from his family calling me a murder at this time it didnt bother me i though it was funny rougly about 5 months later i found out that the baby my girl friend has and i have been supporting wasnt mine i lost it and got ride of her and the baby for the next couple years i went threw a extreme alcoholic phase there wasnt more than 3 mins a day i was awake i wasnt drinking mabey a hour a day tops i wasnt completely drunk druing this time i tryed to end my life again many time soe time comming close but never getting it done over the last couple years i have been fighting with my self how to suceed this time recently my grandfather passed away the one person in my life i still carred about dare i say loved i didnt go to his furneral due to not wanting to see my relitaves now about 2 months later his death is starting to realy hit me i am at the point were i cant take it anymore i hate this world i hate my family i hate ppl due to the ignorance and stupidity i hate myself for my own being i am finaly at my last breaking point i have an exact way to make sure it works this time  i the only this that has been holding me off is thinking of wat he would say to me if he knew but within the last day even that has been fading and the hatred and pain has been comming move overpowering than ever before