Let the Mirrors Get Back to Their Mimic Life

Suicide is not an option, but it does not stop the thoughts from creeping back into my mind. The feeling of not belonging is so strong that it haunts me constantly. I am here because it seems cruel to remove myself from the people who love me. My mother who loves me and raised me would be devastated if I was to die, it would not be fair to her if I killed myself when she worked so hard for me to stay safe.
A god seems so unrealistic but at the same time I would be a fool not to believe, but what exactly do I believe in is still unknown. It would be better to believe and be wrong then to not believe and be wrong. If theres a way to an afterlife I do not want to lose the chance by being arrogant.
When I was a teenager and had my heart broken for the first time, I started cutting. At the time my father was cruel, not with beatings, but with words. The words, I fear in turn made me empathetic and a little cruel myself. As young as I was at the time I shut down and felt nothing. But I was terrified of the nothingness of it. The cutting brought me art, and beauty. I would watch the blood as it ran down, pleased by the patterns it made. I felt pain and beauty.
I was meticulous in cleaning the cuts afterward, I wanted them clean and unseen. I was not caught till long after I started. I moved to live with my mother, I stopped for her, because it scared her. And it made her worry about me. I stopped but it seems my mind craves it still. It has been years and yet everyday the need wears me down. Its like a drug. What will happen when there is no longer anyone looking? How will I stop myself when those around me who feel the anguish of my decisions are no longer there?
I fell ill about a year ago. It is quite a horrible thing, where the pain is always there, but with no cure to end it. A rare slow growing tumor. Cancer. It cannot be stopped and cannot be removed. But the pain that is always lingering hinders me. When I learned of the sickness in me, I hoped it was a killer, would it end this for me? Give me the out I had so be hoping for? No this was not the case.
Now the feelings still linger. I prayed for so long to god to take my life, and to give it to a sick child, a soldier who was going to die. I was willing to trade fortunes, give me their death, and let them grow up and have a life, let them go home to their families, to their children waiting to see them again. But once again it was a useless hope.
So I accepted that I was here. I thought of what was important to me, what did I want to do with the life that was mine unwillingly. The chance of an afterlife had always fascinated me. I wanted to learn as much as I could about every possibility, when I then had a horrible epiphany. I will never know the answer. No matter where or how long I look, there is no answer. Maybe when I die Ill know, but even then theres the chance that there is nothing, so even when I would of had the answer I still would not know.
My life is not horrible, I can live and grow, make something of it. I will not kill myself, but the dark pulsing need is there. The darkness pulling at the edge of my thoughts. I worry because I do not feel like others do, I am not scared or sad, just wrong, I feel wrong. I never seem to feel what I should about life or death. Am I right about being wrong? Is there something not working right in my brain? No one living should feel like its a life that does not belong to them.
Humans are selfish creatures, and I might be worse because I realize this and accept it. I am selfish, I am mean, I am cruel. Is my body sick because my mind is sick? That would be interesting. I feel nothing, I want nothing, I do not belong; what is wrong with me?