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Let’s be honest-celibate at 42; I might as well top myself

by laylajaye

I’m 42, divorced ages ago. I am not a woman who’s ‘let herself go’ just to set the record straight; I haven’t cut all my hair off and got fat like a lot of middle aged women do. I have long dark straight hair, haven’t gone grey, and am still slim and keep fit, etc. Can still have a fun convo and flirt — not that it really makes any goddamn difference.
I cannot pull to save my life.
Over the past few years I’ve had probably about 25 dates and none of them led to anything. I have come to the conclusion, after the last, oh I don’t know, 8 or 9 dates, that basically that’s it, I’m no longer attractive to men. I’m tired now, I can’t go on any more dates just to prove to myself time and again that it’s true. It hurts more & more every time..
Yep. my sex life ends here.
It’s sad. I never knew when i was younger that it would end so soon.
let’s be honest, living the rest of my lilfe without the prospect of sex (we all want it and desire it/need it), i mean NIL prospect, is just miserable.
No I can’t start some new ‘hobby’ to take my mind off it , trust me, it ain’t happening.
I wish my menopause had come quicker as the ‘urge’ is supposed to diminish.

It’s ironic how so many people say oh if you’re woman you’ll get laid easy. I really don’t think so.

I can’t wait to check out, I’ve been wanting to go since I was 11 yrs old, what hell am I still doing here. I know it’s cos I’m too scared to commit suicide, but it just HAS to be done. I have no reason to be here.

life just list of problems, pain, aggro, and a few bits of pleasure strewn along the path (wow big deal) which last about 2 miliseconds. And people call this LIFE PRECIOUS! Pathetic!!

My having grown old and minging is just one more thing to prove that life is just one great pile of shit. I turn around & everything else is just negative – job, house, family (none), friends (all — none)… all I needed really is to find out I gotta go celibate at 42, great. What a load of shit. I’m checking out. What’s the friggin point?

What kept me going sometimes was the idea of one day perhaps meeting a nice guy, i could have a r.ship with, but yeah whatever, i can’t even get laid (ie men attracted to me), let ALONE have a r.ship. So forget that.
That’s another hope dashed,and that’s me done, forever, no other hopes since all the rest of life and everything in the world is uninteresting banal, scary or boring or just indifferent. Why the hell hang around any more.
No I don’t feel sorry for myself, I just feel disgust and disappointment. It’s esp. hard as I have no kids/family to really take my mind off this shit.
Kindly direct me to the nearest multi storey car park.


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Nit3fr3ak 1/14/2011 - 9:00 pm

Hmmmm. Its hard to say anything, being so much younger.
You could get laid if you want to, Sex is nothing. Meaningless shit.
men dont give a shit, they will fuck anything. Its just, who wants to be a slut

Maybe you should expand your horizons.
More people, More chances

Ive chosen celibacy because i know i cant love anyone without hurting them

try eharmony.com or w/e it is. Someone is in the same boat somewhere in the world

get artificially inseminated , Children are awesome

Becareful jumping make sure theres no wind and you jump head first , like skull dive. My friend is now a vegetable because he just jumpped and wind blew him into a car. Broke his spine, but he survived. hes just suffering cant talk, cant move anything. Parents keep around like a pet.
You have to dive, to die

Sex is nothing and should be only used for reproduction

troubled 1/14/2011 - 9:42 pm

Women are like a fine wine , better with age

laylajaye 1/14/2011 - 10:04 pm

I’m not talking about JUST SEX. But it’s obvious that sexual attraction is the first step that leads to a r.ship, unless we’re talking like two 11 yr olds making friends, right.

I am not so dumb as to think a guy would have a r.ship with me if he wasn’t sexually attracted.

As i said earlier, the one thing that kept me going was the idea that i’d meet a nice guy, and have a romance/r.ship/ whatever and quite obviously it wouldn’t be platonic, since I’m not a nun & he wouldn’t prob be a monk or the pope. I don’t care how long it lasts for .
Regardless, I can kiss that thought good bye since no guy fancies me. End of.

I am on various dating sites. Fat lot of good.. etc.

Yeah everyone’s got worse probs, my sexual frustration is the tip of the iceberg.

As for having kids ==Can’t even look after myself … add to that, no friends, family, home, or job; I’m manic depressive and suicidal and hate every single day. Would never want to impose that on any child.

I dont believe in sex used only as reproduction but we’ll agree to differ. IMO it’s an incredible pleasure, esp with someone you have a special connection with and perhaps when you’re older you’ll get it. i.e that sex isn’t just nothing.
Thanks for the input.

troubled 1/14/2011 - 10:14 pm

I was trying to get you to laugh don’t know if you did or not but it was worth a try.I can’t be sexually attracted to someone I’ve never even seen. Just because you’re 42 doesn’t mean your love life is over. Haven’t you ever heard of cougars? What else is frustrating you?

Nit3fr3ak 1/14/2011 - 10:16 pm

Your right, i was being a little naive
But sexual attraction doesnt have to be there
Men are attracted to power. Its just in their blood, what ever makes them stronger.

If you cant change legally, try illegally, Drugs and money are the easiest way to get someone to love you.

Rob someone,
get a few grand
buy a couple pounds of pot
weigh it all to up to groups of 1.2 grams
sell it slowly to whoever is desperate., build up some customers, get some money then buy a education and get a job.

If you dont find someone selling pot, youll find someone when your learning.

your options arent all extinguished

Nit3fr3ak 1/14/2011 - 10:17 pm

be imaginative

troubled 1/14/2011 - 10:26 pm

That’s not entirely true.I’m a guy but I don’t “crave”power.yea I have a drug problem but it didn’t help meet anyone or get someone to love me it did the exact opposite,women distanced themselves from me.also I have a well paying job but that didn’t help either.but I still don’t get discouraged and you shouldn’t either.that special someone is out there waiting you just haven’t met that guy yet but you will.

Nit3fr3ak 1/14/2011 - 10:47 pm

Its all a matter of balance,
Everything is power.
I never said do drugs to get people.
The smartest people dont touch addictive shit they market it
and used it too their advantage to manipulate people.
terrorists and churches do the same thing.
Find weak people to make them love them.
not many people can handle addiction.
Depression is a addiction as well
once youve been sad for awhile its stays hidden forever, i still havent found a way to overcome it

I mean i just look from their perspective,
Imagine what would that person want from me.
and change my personality to fit theirs.

You’s cant be too fussy, I mean its like 4/5 people who get married get divorced. People change regularly

in positive and negative ways.
Its all negotiation and
self sacrifice

colin huntriss 1/15/2011 - 1:16 am

…..well you could end your life and be done with it, and yes, there are others in the world with far greater problems, such as refugees escaping genocide and so forth………..

……but as i always say to anyone, my problems are mine and are significant to me regardless of how insignificant they are to others. i have the right to be that way and react.

……having sex, yesssssss, is a great thing to do with someone else and to be in a relationship with someone and have the connection is what we aspire to have, albeit for a short time or long time. If you persist it will become a reality……..you just have to be here for it to happen.

……..having a child is also great, my son has kept me here and will continue to do so……..you are fearful of the idea of having a child and the responsability………I can understand your feelings and way of thinking.

……..the best thing you can do for yourself………..to keep yourself in play so to say………..get a puppy………….they will love you unrestricted and never be unloyal, when things are at their lowest they are they to help take the edge off……….you never know, walking the dog and being in the outdoors may open up a whole lot of oportunities that were not available to you before.

all the best……….take care.

surrealist 1/15/2011 - 2:21 am

Hi laylajaye

I’m a 40 year old male from Australia. Separated 5 years ago and finalised the divorce just last month. I haven’t had any sexual or other intimate contact in the past 5 years.

So I know how you feel.

Probably one of the reasons I ended up on this site.

I too keep fit with bodybuilding, have a pretty good job, apparently I look pretty good from what people tell me, yet nothing. It’s almost like an impossibility that even defies luck and chance in this world. Have a look at the following article on Wiki:


Which country are you from?

laylajaye 1/15/2011 - 2:32 pm

colin huntriss thanks for being so understanding.

I’ve been putting myself out there, and waiting so many years to meet a guy I will gel with mentally/physically but it’s been years now. I don’t know maybe 5 maybe 7, can’t remember. I’ve been on WAY over 25 dates and gone to social things, but zilch.

I put myself out there, here there everywhere.
Its just too damn difficult and hurts too much to keep trying so I’m gonna give up. I’ll just have to continue to try to get acceptance that I will not have a partner.

Seems to me my fate is to continue as a miserable old sad lonely cow. When I finally die in this flat I won’t even be discovered for months (i have no job – was made redundant – no friends and no family)

At least I won’t have to feel guilty in the slightest about upsetting ANY loved ones when I FINALLY get the guts to top myself — cos I aint got any.

I would lOVE a puppy but my building reg’s wont allow it; right now I cannot move out, financial reasons. Otherwise I woud, I love dogs to bits.

I think kids are great but as I said, I would not inflict a depressed mother on any child, esp. one who is financially unstable who could provide the proper care/educ./etc. that a child deserves.

all this of course is hidden by a social facade which others take to believe I am a confident woman, as people keep banging on about it, I guess i am doing a good job but i sure as hell don’t feel like it as i hate my life and i hate myself.

surrealist thanks for your post. It’s nice to know u can empathise. I’d never heard of involuntary celibacy so I did read up on it on wiki. Definitely recognised myself in a lot of parts, most parts in fact, eg:

“Rather than being an “active denial” of sexual situations, such as a circumstance where the person is considered “ugly” and thus avoided by potential partners, involuntary celibacy is a “passive denial” wherein opportunities for sex quite simply fail to emerge”

And also:

“just as importantly, it also seems that incels are not approached by others for romantic and/or sexual reasons even in situations where they are putting themselves explicitly in social circumstances meant to attract partners, such as large-scale activities. It is said to be this conundrum—both the “cannot successfully approach” and the “never approached” ends of the problem—that causes incels their pain.”

Well I thought that was v. interesting

I can see how I’m developing one of the symptoms described – ie obsession with sex, – e.g. always wanting it and tearful that I can’t, and am now refusing to let myself watch any sex scene in a movie (fast forward), don’t listen to songs about love/r.ships anymore as I am now past all that, and obviously steering away from internet porn as that just makes me frustrated and jealous – jeez how pathetic–

I keep fit too by the way, like yourself, infact am a total addict and work out at least 1 hr a day as I get a real high from it –helps with stress. I wish it helped with my (sex) frustration too but it doesn’t at all.

surrealist I’m in UK. Good luck to you over there in Oz, hope you find someone soon!

Thanks again to those who responded, it means a lot.

unhappy times 1/15/2011 - 2:43 pm

Hey Laylajaye, i,m a guy 37 live in southwest uk. My situation is much the same as yours although I think I’ve just given up with a lot of things lately. I think you find what you need when you stop looking always seems that way to me! If you want to talk sometime I’ll post my email.

YellowDog2011 7/16/2011 - 5:40 am

Hi Laylajae: If you haven’t offed yourself yet I have suggestion. Get a boob job. Not freak size but definitely porn star size. You’d be amazed at some of the quality, good looking guys out there who are also sort of perverted boob men. Don’t take the high road trying to find a relationship with a guy who loves you for your mind. The low road is much more fun. It’s like when two people who love each other have a baby. 9 out of 10 times the guy freaks out over the giant pregnancy boobs. ANYWAY, sorry if this sounds kind of creepy but I AM from California. I was in love with a gal a couple years ago. The marriage plans fell apart and I’ve been depressed ever since (almost suicidal). And yes, she had big boobs. Basically I’m saying don’t wack yourself over a lack of sex life. Wear sexy clothes and perfume. Throw a boob job in there and you’ll have a line of guys to pick from.

vestal 8/9/2012 - 4:32 am

My problem is that they want relationships with me, as in LTRs that turn into marriage, but they won’t have sex with me.

I started sobbing when I read your story, because it felt so familiar.

louise50 8/9/2012 - 4:09 pm

I think you and Vestal have a lot in common leylajaye.

I thought you were from the UK, especially when you said ‘minging’, lol! That’s a UKism, definitely, isn’t it?

I’m manic depressive too babes. I’m 50, past the menopause, have almost zero sex drive (thanks antidepressants/menopause) but I still get it every day, and my God it’s a pain sometimes!! He’s a bit of a sex addict, I kid you not, sometimes twice or even three times a day (he’s 45). I’m having far more sex now than I ever did when I was a nubile young thing.

It isn’t really the sex that keeps us together, but well I guess it helps. It’s the love and the intimacy, and sex is the physical expression of that.

I don’t have a job either, live on benefits and have done for twenty years. I’m really not the world’s most eligible spinster (that doesn’t sound right does it!). My partner has a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia for God’s sake, but somehow we balance each other out, and it’s a genuine love story tho’ he drives me nuts sometimes.

I hope this is at least of interest, as it shows that you can find love post menopause…and even rampant sex!!

Please don’t give up just yet Laylajaye. Oh, and your mention of the multi storey car park sounded like a UK reference as well!

Lots love Zx

kim999 10/2/2012 - 7:16 am

Well I’m celibate and I’m miserable and I’m 42 and I apparently look fine and I like women with long dark hair and I find people who don’t get depressed and suicidal boring and I’m in the UK. I think an overwhelming amount of people are incel today to be honest and probably very wisely never tell anyone because most people are so stupid and suggestible if you tell them honestly how miserable you are they just associate you with misery and switch off. Which dating sites are you on?

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