Not expecting or even believing anything canÂ be bored or stupid enough to readÂ this.
I have always been fucked up people have offered their reasons e.g. if you are stupid enough to get hysterics, eventually, about being detained in a mental hospital or ruining your life etc, but really, other than some slight minor stuff its nothing much. There is no reason other than ‘me’ and my endless destructive brain activity. I am convinced the negativity that emanates from me has given at least two people cancer, one is dead, the other is very young and i care about her, but the prognosis is not good. Surely this is reason enough.
Like every other fricking thing i cannot follow through with anything, which is why my idea of a relationship is a one night stand, and once i am fucked up again, see them again and eventually piss them off enough that they have some breakdown and move to another country, or beat me up for screwing them over.
So yes, i deserve to feel like this, i am ranting here because am at the edge of ‘coping’ which has for the last few months apart from when detained, involved drinking myself into a stupor and sleeping. Before this the external appearance was held up so that all the other stupid humans thought i was a stellar scholar, make an excellent Dr, etc.
If this is possible trying and failing to kill yourself is more destructive than actually succeeding. Now am stuck in my bedsit, i can’t leave it until very drunk. No exercise i am gainig weight like nothing else, and since was anorexic for the decade before 21 with multiple hospitalisations, this is a fucking joke. Now, am ‘normal’ which helped with the facade of everyone thinking you are ‘great’ though a little isolated and ‘obscure’. Seemed insulting at the time, but the crap people i looked up to will say now that i rocked up in their ER with some psych outreach or the cops is mindblowing.
Just to add to how bad i am, other than abusing and letting people abuse me i have given 2 people cancer. One was a decade ago,Â they wereÂ quite old and did many dreadful things, but i hatedÂ them so much, so the negative thoughts eventually killed them. The other is the only friend and person i give a crap about, other than my little brother.Â She has a terrible cancer and as she is a good person and younger than me, she is 25, i clearly influenced her cells by being such a useless individual.
I am shit, and always have been. I destroyed the only thing that kept this existence vaguely acceptable, my career in medicine. There is a level at which you wait after they let you out and say, give it a week, a month, it will change something will topple over, for good or bad. It has gone the way of the latter, so tomorrow, although i appreciate ‘life’ in many ways is beautiful (children are beautiful, trees i love, i have a slight obsession with flowers), humans are largely not, and i am evil, so i have to end it. The main selfish fear is not that my friend needs me, or that my brother would be sad, but that if i am unsuccessful i will have to deal with a psychiatric ward again.
Does anyone wantÂ to do it for me after this?