Iâ€™m 18 years old. Iâ€™m a lesbian. Iâ€™ve lost the love of my life to my depression. I live with bi-polar depression. Its killing me slowly, I love people to much but I always hurt them. Christina is the love of my life and sheâ€™s with Nina now. It kills me I tell her Iâ€™m happy for her when really Iâ€™m dying from her being either her. She tells me she still loves me but she doesnâ€™t wanna be with me Iâ€™ve hurt her to much maybe its because I tried to control her life and all I ever wanted to do was be with her but at the same time she feels as if I didnâ€™t love her and it was all a show for people. It wasnâ€™t sheâ€™s the only person Iâ€™ve ever really cared about I did everything for her. Thereâ€™s where times though that I didnâ€™t wanna be touched by anyone not even her she hated that and blamed me but itâ€™s not my fault I just didnâ€™t wanna be loved. She hated that I cut myself but itâ€™s the only way I found relief. After we broke up I started to go out a lot I would get so drunk I wouldnâ€™t remember anything I tried to drink her away. I ended up sleeping with a boy heâ€™s my friend but she found out and hates me for it I dont think she will ever take me back. I think about killing my self every other day it feels like I have it all planed at but I secretly hope she will fall in â€œloveâ€ with me again. Sheâ€™s the only thing keeping me here. My parents hate me at lest thatâ€™s how I feel they say Iâ€™m just overdramatic about things when I canâ€™t help it I wish I was â€œnormalâ€ but I get mad really fast then I get sad and Iâ€™m all over the place. I fight with my mom the most it hurts I canâ€™t even tell her I love her anymore. I canâ€™t even hug her. My dad used to stand up for me but even he got tired of me. Iâ€™m just like a used book nobody wants anymore. Sometimes I just sit and watch my parents and sister watch TV as a family and I think they are better off with out me. Yea they would be sad at first but they will learn to get over it and be happy with out me.