I’m 18 years old. I’m a lesbian. I’ve lost the love of my life to my depression. I live with bi-polar depression. Its killing me slowly, I love people to much but I always hurt them. Christina is the love of my life and she’s with Nina now. It kills me I tell her I’m happy for her when really I’m dying from her being either her. She tells me she still loves me but she doesn’t wanna be with me I’ve hurt her to much maybe its because I tried to control her life and all I ever wanted to do was be with her but at the same time she feels as if I didn’t love her and it was all a show for people. It wasn’t she’s the only person I’ve ever really cared about I did everything for her. There’s where times though that I didn’t wanna be touched by anyone not even her she hated that and blamed me but it’s not my fault I just didn’t wanna be loved. She hated that I cut myself but it’s the only way I found relief. After we broke up I started to go out a lot I would get so drunk I wouldn’t remember anything I tried to drink her away. I ended up sleeping with a boy he’s my friend but she found out and hates me for it I dont think she will ever take me back. I think about killing my self every other day it feels like I have it all planed at but I secretly hope she will fall in “love†with me again. She’s the only thing keeping me here. My parents hate me at lest that’s how I feel they say I’m just overdramatic about things when I can’t help it I wish I was “normal†but I get mad really fast then I get sad and I’m all over the place. I fight with my mom the most it hurts I can’t even tell her I love her anymore. I can’t even hug her. My dad used to stand up for me but even he got tired of me. I’m just like a used book nobody wants anymore. Sometimes I just sit and watch my parents and sister watch TV as a family and I think they are better off with out me. Yea they would be sad at first but they will learn to get over it and be happy with out me.
12 comments
Unless you’re physically unable, you can. And since you feel you have nothing left to lose, hug and say you love them anyways.
i have never experienced love, and find it strange that someone would want to kill themselves when they break up from a relationship. This does not seem to be the only case with you. I am aware that bi-polar does include times or severe depresion, but if a lost love is the main reason why you might want to kill yourself, I think you should talk to someone about it.
I know from experience this did not help me as I still intend to kill myself, but it might for you
So sad. Thats devastating.
Alcohol doesnt fix anything
Death wont give her back to you
People are fuckwits
Always changing
Always Fuckwits
You can survive if you want too
There is someone better, There always is
Hi,
First of all, starting with also your first sentence. You are not a lesbian.
There isnt such a thing as a ****** or a lesbian. Instead, it is about persons with emotional wounds which suffer ,as a consequence thereof, from a deviation of the sexual orientation. There is not such a thing as being born a ******. That is the big lie. But our System is also a big lie. People think that the Homo Erectus at the “white” house is a president, that is just a comedian, a fantasy to entertain the masses.
The “faggotism” appears, disappears, stays in some persons for a life time depending on a lot of circumstances. but the microwounds that a person suffers over and over again every day in our interactions with other people do leave a scar, and after some years, the person does not recognize himself as he sees that now he is a pedophile when he had never been any of the sort, or a lesbian when she doesnt remember to have been one. We are very vulnerable and divert to god knows what.
There is nothing irreparable in your situation. You are better off than “normal” people to “repair” yourself at the age of 18. First of all, don´t your feelings seem to be coming from a beautiful soul of a person who is suffering ?, even though those feelings of “love” are directed towards a person of the same sex ? The essence of you is beautiful. So, the core of it is a good fertile ground to seed a new life from scratch.
I suppose that when you say “I am bipolar” is because it has indeed been diagnosed and proven as such. If you are American or British, I would not be so sure because whenever someone lands at the shrink, he gets tagged as bipolar. There are no bipolars in Russia or Africa, I think it is a cultural industrial thing or fashion. So I leave that as a question mark to be proven.
Second. Word love. Jesus, we, the humans are so much in need for so much that we are always confounding love with our deprivation of essentials and wanting to have these gaps filled by someone. I have been “in love” with around 2500 women since I was 4, in my imagination of course, but the only time I really love is with children or the elderly or the ill, when I realise that I just want their smile and dont need anything from them. That is love. Those individuals with red figures in the emotional balance fare pretty bad in human relationships when it comes to love. They are extremely demanding but they also are extremely giving, something which exhausts the other party. So they experience tremendous high peaks of extasis when they are getting what they were looking for, and can contemplate suicide the day after if something goes wrong. Definitively you find yourself in that situation now.
The cutting is the edge of sadness, it is inflicting oneself pain in an act of giving love-compassion towards that part of yourself inside and to punish the sadness that so much makes you suffer. It is an internal cry and private hug, an away from the outside, that is how the person represents it. I say this because while the first time I read about cutting was here, and it came out as something I could not understand, I did finally get to know the edge of pain that lies on it even though I didnt cut myself. Women often react that way, guys shoot someone else.
Sleeping with a guy in that situation. Very typical, very much. The guy takes advantage of it, and you sort of try to escape away both drinking and bonking. parents dont seem to understand your pain and circumstances. How is that possible ? Supposedly they must be aware of your “bipolarity” because I suppose that must have been a case of visits to the doctor…
I would highly bet your “lesbianism” is fully related to your depression and emotional vulnerability as we, the guys are ruder, cruder and sometimes beast, while women theoretically appear to be of a kinder nature. Curiously some guys turn faggots after painful experiences with their girlfriends.
If you hang out with other lesbians, it is like diving into the pool of troubles. You dont want to be surrounded by other people who also have those emotional unbalances, either they hurt you today, they hurt someone else or you hurt someone today and some else hurts you in two days. Get out of that pool.
How I would start to “repair” your situation.
First you should find full love from your parents. I go madly furious when I see what parents do to their children. Someone needs to talk to them. They dont seem to be bad ones.
Second, some good natured shrink with a good heart, not a cold analytical one, someone who really cares.
Third, among all the rubbish there is around, there still has to be some guy who is nice, kind and intelligent, something damn bloody hard to find in an 18 year old guy, but if you hang out with someone older, watch out, they will try to exploit your situation again because you are 18 and no matter how you look like, an 18 year old girl always looks great.
And well, my usual disclaimer. Notice that I am not an expert, that I surely miss the complexities of some psycho stuff. so my speeches are well meant, maybe too simplistic but the baggage is good.
best regards
O
Everyone who starts to really think about suicide thinks that they’re family will recover and they’ll be better off. It’s not true. In fact, one of the suicide risk factors is having a close relative who committed suicide. There are treatments for bipolar disorder, you can get better. And when you get better, you can find another girl who will love you. (also, please disregard what Oracle said. He means well, but he hasn’t the foggiest clue what he’s talking about. Exemplefied by the fact that he referred to homosexual men as “faggots” as though he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with that. WTF?)
@Sad Thoughts. You are trying to drag someone vulnerable into the ill world of homosexualism, instead of encouraging her to find natural love and not some form of ill deviation of emotional feelings.
I come from a unique cradle of sound principles which have remained immutable throughout the years and which have not been affected by twisted politically driven modernism. I dont do abortions, I dont cheat, I dont take the Mourning After Pillock, This is said by an atheist like me. I am not a religious phreak. On the contrary, it is just healthy, strong personal principles.
So u dont like the word ******, but u are fine with the fact that 1 out of 8 male homosexuals has AIDS and that is why they are banned from donating blood, yet their sexual drive is such that they continue to infect each other despite the fact that they know how risky it is in their case, now blackmailing governments and now dragging children to their houses as they get married. That is something which u think is well while u think the word ****** is bad.
Society is rotten now in a chronic disease of lack of values, married couples splitting, homosexualism spreading as people just dont know where their north is, those who are troubled, far from getting help they are encouraged to continue in their state. We have a problem with the Tolerants and the Moral Relativists like you, it is the cancer of our society. If you dont have good values to transmit, just stay in silence. I am privileged by having been reared in a cultivated environment, while the rest of society is slightly above the level of cattle. So try to learn from me and from my values.
Those with sexual deviations just need to be understood, listened to, and helped, so that they can lead fulfilling lives instead of denying them the opportunity to have children, be married and naturally loved.
best regards
O
Give then a break jesus would
LOLOLOLOLOL This shit funny as. Firsty Aids is Man Made and Homosexuality in men started in the bible.
– It nevers states anything wrong with women.
Honesty Love is Love
I try to accept homosexual men, i just cant it makes my stomach turn and i just get so angry.
but
Everyone gets there choice Everyone has the thoughts, People just get tempted to other shit.
Life is Fucking bullshit. No one can handle it. They need something to love
Live and let live
Hate is destroying the world, You cant change the past
Just evolve and it will go out of fashion in 100 years if the hate continue then it will too continue
Life is made up of variables, Everything u say will affect someone
Jenny, Do what ever feels right. If you have to kidnap and murder her new girlfriend and then fake your death then get her face skin graphed to yours then do what ever it takes to make you happy, If the darkness makes you happy then go but all it is you.
Would there be life if you didnt exist? Is life because you exist? I am i alive
@Jenny: I’m not really sure what to say, except that I too am gay. I know that doesn’t really help… but maybe you’ll feel less alone. I also have constant suicidal thoughts which never, I mean NEVER, seem to go. I really hope you don’t go through with it, just know that even though I’m a total stranger on the internet, I care :).
@oracle: Please stop being so homophobic. At least don’t make comments that are. Keep your thoughts to yourself because people, such as myself and quite probably the OP are offended by terms such as ‘******’. This being a site for SUICIDAL people, it really doesn’t help to make anyone feel less worthy or deserving than they are.
@unbecoming I try to as much as i can.
@Nit3fr3ak I guess i want to live or i would have done it but i guess im just to scared or i would have. Idk really. im just all messed up. I wish i could just kill off her new girlfriend. Honestly I hate this girl.
@oracle I respect what you have to say but I am gay. Its not something where i just woke up one day and said “Hey Im gonna be gay today” Ive “loved” girls before Christina but I know for a fact Im in love with Christina. Im not going to sit here and fight with you.
@darkloner74 Thank you. If you would like to talk me just let me know.
Im 18 and a lesbian as well. I am going through the exact same situation. my girlfriend of 28 mounths left me for another girl less then 2 weeks after i moved across country to live with her.
i know it hurts. but your not alone. im here.
,@superdyke thank you. Its the worst feeling in the world to know who you love and can’t have them.