Only a Vent…

Let me start by stating that this is a long vent. I’m not here for sympathy or attention. If I wanted attention I wouldn’t be doing this anonymously. If I wanted sympathy it wouldn’t be from internet strangers I know nothing about. I just want to throw my feelings out in public anonymously. Something most of us can’t do in real life…

And so I vent…

I moved to college and my parents got a dog to replace me. My friends thought that was sad, but I always told them it was okay; my parents are happy now…but in truth it wasn’t okay. It hurt. I kept thinking to myself ‘Maybe it’s not to replace me. Maybe it’s just a coincidence.’ I was wrong.

I went home recently because my semester ended. I noticed a few things that made it clear the dog was not just a dog to them…First both my parents mixed up my name with the dog’s. Our names aren’t similar. Second my mom tells the dog to ‘go to sleep’ or ‘eat all its food’ just like she used to tell me. And of course she calls the dog the parent-ly nicknames she used to call me, which is in another language, however similar to a mother calling her daughter ‘hunny’ or whatever. But of all that, my mom calls the dog my ‘new sister.’ The thing is I would be absolutely fine if they just got a dog to deal with their loneliness…But it’s not just a dog to them anymore. It’s their new daughter.

I like the dog. It’s cute…But I don’t like how they treat the dog like their child. But I didn’t say a word of what I thought. I bottled it up and kept a fake smile every time they showed it.

I bottle everything up. I always hold in my tears and cry softly when I do cry. I’m not a person who likes drama, so I don’t want people to see or hear me cry. The walls in my dorm are thin; you can hear your neighbor talking easily let alone crying. I don’t want my friends to worry, so I don’t tell them any sad things. I don’t want my parents to worry so I just fake a smile.

I bottled up a lot of things. One major thing was around the time of my birthday. My birthday was during my first month in college. I didn’t expect my parents to come because it was so far away. So when they called and told me they were coming anyways I was so happy. When they came they gave me DollarTree presents. I was still happy. I thought to myself ‘It was the thought that counted right?’ Besides the real present was that they visited me. I wanted them to stay for longer, but they said they could only stay for one night. They left rather quickly, but I was still happy… until I found out that they didn’t exactly visit for me. I was only on the way to their real destination; my older sister’s college. Later I found out they stayed at my sister’s college for more than just one day. About one week there and they didn’t stop back at my college on the way back to their home.

My mom and dad always liked my sister better. I always knew it, they didn’t have to tell me and they didn’t ever tell me…until yesterday night.

We came back from semester break. I really felt stressed with everything, so one little thing set me off and I spilled out all my feelings to my parents. I’m soft-spoken, even when I yell people can talk over me. Especially my parents. They made excuses for everything they did and they told me that I don’t deserve to cry; that they were the ones suffering, not me. I know they must hurt sometimes too, everybody does, but that doesn’t mean they’re the only ones hurting. I have feelings too, I’m suffering too. But they don’t understand that.

At first I just wanted to be let alone to cry my guts out. I told them that, but they refused to leave. They kept pushing and pushing. Telling me over and over again that they were right, I was wrong. We were in a car, so I couldn’t escape without exposing myself to strangers seeing my sobbing face. I was stuck and could only hide my face as I cried. It lasted hours and everything only got worst and worst. I knew yelling at them to leave me alone wasn’t going to do it, but I did anyways. I yelled, they yelled. After awhile I brought up my sister. I yelled at them to leave and go to my sister instead just like before. I told them I knew them they loved her more anyways. My mother replied to that angrily with “You don’t deserve it.” I don’t deserve being loved as much as my sister. They left as I started to scratch my faced up. They didn’t leave sympathetically. They left angrily leaving me alone as I hurt myself. I don’t deserve it.

I don’t know what I should do anymore. I don’t want to be in college. I only went because I wanted my parents to be proud, to notice me a little bit more than my sister even for just one day. But they even said it themselves. I don’t deserve it. I’ll never be loved as much as my sister and my parents just confirmed that. Now I don’t even think I can compare to their new dog.

I can’t bare it, it really hurts, but my classes start tomorrow. I don’t know if I can face my friends with the same false smile as before. I don’t know if I can stop myself from breaking down in front of them. But I don’t want to. I don’t want them to worry. I don’t want to be kicked out of college from emotional distress or go to a hospital because I try to kill myself like I did a few years back. It’s selfish. I’m selfish. I know that already, I don’t need to be told that again.
I want my parents to come back and us to be a happy family. But I know that that’s beyond reality. I want to cry my heart out without any glares, but I can’t. I’m back in the dorms, no metal barrier to muffle the sound; only paper thin walls.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts and I feel like no matter what I do it’ll always be a dead end. Right now it feels like I can only wish for something that will never come true.