I’ve never been able to be honest with anyone when trying to explain how I feel. Everytime I do talk I gloss over the nastier aspects of what goes through my mind.
I would’nt say I’ve had the hardest life or the easiest, but I cant stop feeling like I’m on the edge of cracking and losing it completely. I get this rage and want to smash and break everything including myself. i scream because the pain is just too much and i cant get rid of it. it eats at me everyday and im so close to tears all the time. I am however so good at hiding it my parents think im happy and have no idea. my friends too. im in so much debt its stupid as im in my early twenties. i dont know why im writing on here but i need to tell someone before i crack completely.
I was bullied throughout my entire childhood for nothing more than not agreeing with the masses. That i thought i could handle, but when i was in seondary school my two ‘best friends’ spread rumours that meant that nobody would sit with me, talk to me, but they would of course do things that maade me stop going to school for fear that i would just break. When i was fifteen my big brother did suddenly from an accidental drugs overdose. It broke my heart but I had to be strong and pretend that i was ok so my parents didnt feel like a complete failure. So i buried my grief and for a couple of years eveything was ok. Then i started taking drugs drinking a lot, not going to lectures and generally feeling so down that getting out of bed was difficult let alone washing or eating. I felt an anger inside my that burned at the smallest thing. I stopped going to see my friends and eventually they stopped calling as much as they knew i wouldnt turn up. My fault entirely and one i regret so much. I started cutting myself, not deeply or dangerously but enough that it took the pain away for a few short minutes.
I left college and got a job in a pub beofre i went to uni, i was bubbly and confident on the surface but deep down all i felt was pain. I met this guy who i fell in love with too quickly and too heavily, he was older than me and i think my feeling were much stronger than his, anyway he roke my heart by cheating on me.. twice. I started cutting again i just coulnt handle how much my chest hurt.
During our relationship i got diagnosed as a type one diabetic which changed my life forever, now i have to depend on something everyday to keep my alive and healthy. I took my insulin for a couple of months then stopped for a while. it felt good not getting dizzy and having low sugar attacks. Then just before christmas last year i nearly died as i got flu, so i started taking it again, iv stopped now in the hope that i might just not wake up one morning, that way my parents cant think its their fault. it was just a medical condition. I cant tell them how i feel cause then they will think they have failed and be so unhappy. i cant help thinking sometimes that they wish they still had their firstborn and not me.
I dont go to work anymore and have lost my job, but no one knows, i pretend to go everyday and return to my house mhen my housemates have left. iv got so good at lying im starting to believe myself! Iv tried counciling but i couldnt be honest, i cant let people nkow how messed up my head is. i walk past a busy road and think i could just step infront of a car or drown myself in the river. i know that i cant kill myself but it occupies my mind everyday. i know this is long but im scared of how i feel and what i might do if oneday i do crack. someone please help.
4 comments
Have you ever spoken with you’r parents about this? I presume you know how much they care about you, that’s what I’m understanding while reading this. If you believe you won’t break then you won’t, and when you do then its a final release which being only a few seconds of you’r life and not for the rest of it. I myself am scared I would break in school to my loved one as she broke my heart…. You can still compare that man you loved to another man in the future? You would appreciate someone alot more knowing what that man did to you. Do talk with you’r parents, don’t throw everything at once, but don’t make it a habit either, slowly pour you’r emotions to them more and more, unless they really wouldn’t care they could have kicked you out of the house and left you to the streets.
Hi
The event of your brother is more responsible for your situation than you would imagine. What you wrote “I had to be strong and recover”, that never works like that. That killed a part of you in a tragic way and trying to ignore it would not cheat the one inside you. The natural reaction is hopeless cries for months and a scar forever, but if you tried to suppress that, it was definitively not suppressed and that did influence that little wrong step you would be taking at different moments. That did set the chain in motion, the drugs, the drinks and the wrong choice of partner. When such a chain starts it is a mess because it has a domino effect where one event brings down the next one, the person comes out worse off and messes things even more which puts the person again worse than before. A horrible vicious circle. So this is now when you are thinking about cracking up. It is a positive thing because you are seeing what is happening, and by understanding it now, you have begun the inflexion point towards another better trend. Now the issue is, how do you take it from here ? Omar pointed out, you need to start with someone, either your parents, or someone reliable. Do talk the matter through so that there is a good analytical understanding of the events. Dont leave it in a cloudy unspecific mention of I have got the blues, whoever is with you, has to have a thorough understanding of the chain of events in your life.
The bless that you have is your youth, so use it. And take your insulin. You know the consequences of neglecting it. Blindness, fingers lose etc.
Hugs
O
Hey,.how did you keep living & surviving if u don’t go working?
Is it from ur parents’ support?
Just curious..
Liver disease, heart disease, and neuropathy (damaged nerves) are some of the possible consequences of missing your dose. It won’t be immediate but each time your blood sugar levels spike it will contribute damage, ever so slowly. It’s not pleasant. Diabetic neuropathy could even lead to foot amputation when injuries go unnoticed.
Think this over. Find somebody to talk to (eg. email, forums, etc) or seek professional help.