Im a DJ and quite a succesful one at that. I tour the world endlessly to please crowds of thousands of happy people. Fans seem to have endless love for my music and i appreciate thier support. However for many years i have battled with depression and every couple of months i break down. I have tried to kill myself countless times since I was 7. My life has been relatively good to me, so why am i so sad, and what about? Well, i had a pretty rough childhood like many other people, which left me emotionally crippled. Im not going to blame it on that. The truth is its probably my own fault im in this mess. For years i have kept up a strict regime of constant self destruction fueled by a major case of feeling sorry for myself. Eventually i couldnt give or receive the love and affection i so desperately needed. Like a baby, i yearn for that maternal unconditional love that i obliviously threw away. During my teenage years my relationship with my parents completely evaporated and i looked to my girlfriend to fill the void it created. Of course no girl can replace that. That was 5 years ago, and two failed relationships later i have accepted i will no longer feel that love from anyone in the world. The most recent so called love of my life has moved to a different city and found a new boyfriend. I have been mourning the end of our relationship for months and the pain grows worse every day.
People always tell me i have it so good and they want to be me. I’m sure to anyone else having the lifestyle i have would be amazing, and i almost feel guilty for wanting to die. DJing is still one of my last true pleasures, but the fun is fading. Its the only fun i have now. I rarely venture out of my room except for my gigs and sometimes for food/weed. A lot of my friends have given up on me and the ones who havent i throw away because of fear. Im afraid of the world and other people especially when theyre in big groups, like crowds. Its ironic given my chosen profession. So, it seems im doomed to a life spent in airports and hotel rooms alone, that is unless i find a way out.
I (appropriately) used to live by a bridge that was nicknamed ‘suicide bridge’. However, i still have a rational fear of heights and i would never be able to bring myself to do it. I figure i need to find a way with the least amount of preparation, so i wont be held back by my subconcious. I live in a country where guns are illegal and i wouldnt know where to start to find one. I was hoping there was an easy way out, i mean really easy.
Its amazing how someone so loved and appreciated by such a huge number of people can feel so alone, so seperated from society. I can completely empathise with Kurt Cobain’s suicide note on the matter of fakeness in his act. I too have lost something i barely had in the first place. My emotional connection to music is hanging by a thread and i fear its beyond repair. I have no love for myself and im ashamed to be me. Sometimes i dream im happy, stupid, numb without a care in the world. Those dreams are very rare. Every other night i have a reacurring nightmare where i am abandoned and rejected by everyone i ever cared about in the setting of what is usually the school i went to. Then i wake up to find im still alone. Cries for help always land on deaf ears. No one seems to be able to relate to my position. Is there anybody out there like me?!