I’ve been taking a psychology class at school.
We’ve been talking a lot lately about people who certain psychological disorders, mostly the basics. Schizophrenia, bipolar, BPD (borderline-personality disorder, which is something I was diagnosed with), oppositional-defiant, dependent-personality,Â PTSD (another one I was told I have), and just overall people with depression.
Apparently, there are certain requirements people have to meet in order to be called “SMI” which stands for seriously mentally ill, which I guess is just the proper doctor term for “this person is a fucking psycho”.
As my teacher was writing them on the board-the different symptoms-my mind started to wander around, looking for the things about me that classify me as exactly this. And boy did I find them, did I find a ton of them.
Distubing Behavior: I have cut before but that’s really the only about me that I suppose qualifies in this category. I mean I don’t talk to myself in public…only in private, and it’s not even to myself…Well, not exactly.
Interpersonal: I can’t hold a relationship with anyone for very long because I get so scared and I don’t trust people enough to let them in and be my friend. I keep to myself at all times. It didn’t used to be so bad when I had Drake and Alyson, even Jimmy, but now Alyson is dead, Drake is at college, and I won’t see Jimmy for another month, so I’m always alone. ALWAYS.
Thinking: (pretty much means impaired thoughts) I hallucinate myself as a little girl again, I hallucinate my book characters, I hear the voice of my rapist inside my head telling me to do bad things to myself. This is the group where I have the most symptoms in.
Family: My mother doesn’t know what to do with me, she doesn’t understand why I’m upset all the time. My brother ignores me completely most of the time and it hurts so bad I want to scream at him sometimes. My sister is…She understands more so why I am the way that I am. When I told her what happened to me, I told her why I didn’t tell anyone, to save her. She respects me more so for that I think, at least she doesn’t think I’m a complete freak.
These are just the ones we covered in class but there are plenty more. Because of this class I am actually beginning to like school, at least I am getting a better understanding of how certain things work in my brain, maybe even learn some knew practices to try and help me. I might need to talk to a counselor at my school, they seem better to talk too then any shrink I’ve ever seen.
I know I must seem insane, what teenager likes school THAT much?
I will tell you who: Someone who is seriously mentally ill.