I don’t know why does anybody reading this…
But if you are reading, thank you and sorry for any grammar mistakes…
I tried to kill myself when I was 7 years old.
I tried when I was 16.
I tried now, in 20.
They weren’t serious attempts. I just have not enough strengths to do my last step.
I cut myself. Burn myself. Provoke people to harm me… I see no use in this life.
I looked horrible in my childhood. I was fat. Everybody laughed at me. Even my parents.
I was alone… In the age of 13 I decided not to eat anymore.
I was on a severe diet for more than 2 years and I’m still on it.
I’m anorexic, but nobody laughs at me anymore… The people who know me tell me I’m beautiful…
I burned my childhood photos and videotapes…
In the age of 15 I had strong feelings for one man. He was much older than me. He was my everything…
I was ready to kill my parents for him… But soon i realized, I was just a toy. He used me.
He enjoyed to see me on my knees, enjoyed my sufferings… We never had sex.
When I understood, that for him I was nothing, I gone away… I disappeared.
I never saw him from that day.
It was 5 years ago.
But a part of me still loves him.
Despite all my suicide attempts and horrible mistakes, I’m trying to live.
I’m telling myself that I can help somebody, do something good, that my existence has a purpose…
I read some religious books. It really helped.
4 years ago I met a boy who soon became my best friend. He doesn’t know anything about my past.
We spend more than a half of each day together. Sometimes, I wish he could be my brother…
But now i feel like everything is falling apart. Suddenly i felt depressed for no reason. I dreamed about death.
I couldn’t sleep or eat at all. He was with me. Tried to help… I couldn’t imagine somebody will be so kind…
I tried to force myself to stop crying just not to hurt him anymore… I felt love for him.
When I shared my feelings, he said nothing.
Not a single word.
He distanced himself from me…
Maybe it was unexpected for him, maybe he needs time… But I wish I could never do it.
I wish we could be friends like before… I’m afraid to lose him and afraid to call…
He is my reason to be, to everything…
But I can see no future for me and I don’t want to have a serious relationship because of it…
I wish to find a man who fucked up my life and to kill him.
Then I will finally kill myself.
…
Sorry…
I hoped to be ‘normal’…
To do something just like everybody else does…
But everything is empty and hollow…
2 comments
I’m here, and I care for you. I just lost my son, who was about your age (I posted earlier today). I feel so bad that I couldn’t do anything for him. He had his whole life ahead of him, just like you do. But it’s too late for him.
I hope the boy you’re with now really cares about you, and will return. But he’s probably very shocked when you shared your background, and he might need some time. There are so many people out there, and a life that can be so fulfilling, I hope you will find a reason to live. Please ask for help, there is help out there, but you have to ask.
My wife and my other kids are still in complete shock, we loved our son so much, and he never told us that he needed help. I don’t know if he wanted to get better. I hope you do.
My head and I drove away the person that I shared the best times I’ve ever had too. I wish I could say that, with every thought, everyone will understand but many people don’t, and it’s a horrible experience to go through when you find someone that can ease your mind but then you lose them for the same reason. I do feel I can say that you can help somebody and have a purpose tho, especially for someone that understands the same thoughts and feelings. I had a relationship once where I had that connection with somebody and it was one of the more real and reassuring parts of my life.