ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS i’m going through, and that makes me want to go “home”, is remorse.
i’m talking about deep, deep regret about things you’ve done and that caused you great harm. it can be the stupid way you’ve handled a relationship, it can be a job you quit or a job interview you screwed… my life is full of it. i feel like a pile of regret, i’m soaked in it and i alwyas mess up again and again. i never forgive myself – how can i stand my own pace of terrible mistakes.
i know, i’ve been thinking. i know this is not about the “small” thing ITSELF, the job i lost or the year i’ve wasted, that’s ruining my life. i know it’s something about me, i know remorse is part of my nature and THIS is what i must somehow deal with. but i can’t – and the reason i can’t is because my head is so filled with regret for all these “small” things.
and you know… all these “small” things i miss turn rather big at the end. and so i spend my years (23), in two states: SUFFERING and blaming myself so terribly for all the mistakes i’ve made and that ruined my life, and the other thing is this great FEAR and unability to make decisions about the future, because i might make another mistake that would finally kill me.
i’m (almost) ok with feeling that my life is a wreck – but i can’t, i’d rather die, i just can’t deal with the fact that it’s MY fault.
did any of you ever deal with these feelings? can you please tell me about your experience and solutions?