ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS i’m going through, and that makes me want to go “home”, is remorse.
i’m talking about deep, deep regret about things you’ve done and that caused you great harm. it can be the stupid way you’ve handled a relationship, it can be a job you quit or a job interview you screwed… my life is full of it. i feel like a pile of regret, i’m soaked in it and i alwyas mess up again and again. i never forgive myself – how can i stand my own pace of terrible mistakes.
i know, i’ve been thinking. i know this is not about the “small” thing ITSELF, the job i lost or the year i’ve wasted, that’s ruining my life. i know it’s something about me, i know remorse is part of my nature and THIS is what i must somehow deal with. but i can’t – and the reason i can’t is because my head is so filled with regret for all these “small” things.
and you know… all these “small” things i miss turn rather big at the end. and so i spend my years (23), in two states: SUFFERING and blaming myself so terribly for all the mistakes i’ve made and that ruined my life, and the other thing is this great FEAR and unability to make decisions about the future, because i might make another mistake that would finally kill me.
i’m (almost) ok with feeling that my life is a wreck – but i can’t, i’d rather die, i just can’t deal with the fact that it’s MY fault.
did any of you ever deal with these feelings? can you please tell me about your experience and solutions?
3 comments
i remember, by the way, the day i’ve looked up the word “remorse” in the dictionary. till then i thought there was only “regret”. and when i found it it was like discovering something so true, because what i feel is NOT regret. it;s something so terrible it would make you drown. it’s the picture of all the great things you’ve ruined, and then, next to it, a picture of you now, sitting in your room, a total failure and a lost person. and guess who’s blame this is…
Try to remember that when we make a choice, we use the information, skills, knowledge, etc that we have at that moment to make it. When there’s regret or remorse later, that’s a sign that we’ve grown or developed enough to see the shortcomings of our judgment. That bit of new knowledge or learning can help us make a better decision later on. It’s not always easy to see, but remorse can be a sign of growth, which is always a positive thing.
If i understand well your remorse over some things you have done in the past makes you want to “go home” so kill yourself?
Sometimes i do deal with remorse and i know how much it can be “heavy”.However, at one point, you need to stop blaming yourself about the mistakes you made and realize that mistakes are supposed to make you more aware not depressed.
C’mon you are only 23. Those mistakes you made in the past are meant to teach you lessons, make you a wisER man. That is what we called experience.
Nobody gets wiser without learning from his/her own mistakes or from someone else’s. You cannot let remorse eat you away!
🙂