I don’t want to live as this person anymore. I never expected life to be easy and surely it hasn’t been. However, my future at this point looks so bleak that I can’t fathom being forced to live it. Each new day literally feels as if I am being forced to live it and I so thoroughly wish it would stop. Let me begin…
I am the youngest of three, born to an upper middle class family in suburban Los Angeles. The first two years were normal. Then my aunt moved in with her two bastard sons and started beating me. She’s a Christian Science nurse and so no one could believe she’d hurt anyone, but indeed I was her biggest enemy. She expected my mother to take care of her & her children and saw me as a threat to their stability. My brother moved out when I was 4, he 16, because he couldn’t stand living with her anymore. This caused my mom to kick out my aunt & cousins and things for my parents & I settled down. At age 5 I became very ill and was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I became an outcast at my school because everyone thought I had AIDS (I had no clue what that was at time). At age 6, I entered into as sexual a relationship as a 6 year old can have with my best friend of the same sex. Our parents discovered what was going on and we were never allowed to see eachother again. The experience stunted his development so much that he was held back in school. At age 7, I scored a 151 on an IQ test and was skipped two years in school, further outcasting me. At age 8, one of my cousins from my abusive aunt came to stay with us for a short while and sexually abused me. I remember feeling so ashamed for enjoying the experience. At that point I was 200 lbs and told my parents that I knew no one would ever love me because of how unattractive I was. At age 8, I attempted suicide by slitting my wrists and almost succeeded before my mother found me in the bathtub. Since then I have been in & out counseling. My endocrinologist told my parents not to expect me to live to be 18 given my medical maladies. At 12, I was again sexually abused by my best friend’s boyfriend who told me that he was doing it to “help me”. To make matters worse, any mention of our arrangement led him to deny it completely although it continued for 2 years. At 14, I attempted suicide in a school bathroom and was found by fellow students who spread the salacious story to everyone. By this time I was 300 pounds. At 15, I developed a coke problem. I graduated as valedictorian with perfect SAT scores and although active in numerous activites in and outside of school, was rejected by 12 of the 13 schools to which I applied. At that point I was 400 lbs and had developed sleep apnea. While driving home with some friends, I passed out behind the wheel and my three passengers ended up in intensive care. My last semester of high school was spent in the hospital forcing my perfect GPA to plummet and denying me admittance to college. I was then sued by my best friend who was in the accident with me and he walked away with $100,000 of my family’s money. After extensive legal drama, I was accepted back into college. At 19, my first boyfriend (yes, I’m gay, to make matters worse) revealed to me that he had been cheating on me daily and with multiple people. As I was Mr. Popular at college, it seemed everyone on campus knew this besides me. I attempted suicide again but was found by my RA and kicked out of school. I have since lost all of my friends from that period as no one knows “how to handle me”. The next 2 years were spent at home not sure of how to proceed. During this time I became anorexic and lost 150 lbs, although now I look worse than before as my skin sags tremendously. At 20, I became a full-fledged alcohol & my kidneys began to shut down (remember, I’m diabetic). At 21, my eyes began to give out and so although accepted back into college, I was forced to withdraw and get surgery. At 22, I went back to school and after discovering I was impotent, again attempted suicide by hanging myself. It didn’t work as I was too large and simply stretched out the rope. I was diagnosed as bipolar and put briefly institutionalized. Two weeks ago I was put on a 51-50 by my psychiatrist who had me escorted from her office by the police. Upon arriving at the hospital, I ran, caught a cab, and made it back to my apartment where I attempted to overdose on prescription meds. The police came and along with my neighbors found me and called my parents. This past weekend, I moved back home AGAIN.
I have literally no friends, just my mom. My dad left her two years ago after finding out “she raised a ******” and my siblings (his children from his first marriage) refuse to speak with me because a) I am gay and b) they fear their kids interacting with me.
I have lost every job I’ve ever had, every meaningful relationship, have been severely abused, and have a plethora of health problems. My genius level IQ has been wasted by my inability to do well in higher learning & I have NO interests or motivation whatsoever. I spend most days crying, staring off into space and waiting for death.
My mom desperately wants me to go back to a psych hospital but I can’t help but think, what is the fucking point? I can’t imagine with all my health problems that I have much time left anyhow. I’m sexually useless, not to mention afraid of it. I hate people, have horrible social anxiety, and can’t seem to connect with anyone even when I do try. My last three boyfriends were using me for my money & so trusting anyone is off the table.
I just want this all to end. Need it to end. But life has left me a coward and I can’t seem to take my life while living under my mother’s roof. I’m told it gets better but each year has seemed to bring a whole new set of problems. My intention now is to lay in bed and just wait. If I’m patient enough, I assume death will come naturally. What… what do I do?
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Dage dude I just read your story.
I thought my life was tuff.Damm.
I kind of remimded me of my own life in a way.I know it’s kind of self-centered compareing my life to sombody eles but,I can kind of relate in a way(except I’m not gay….well, at least I don’t think I am)
When I was 6 I thought sex was a drug like herion or like meth and thought it was illlgal.A few weeks later a friend of my mother came over with is daughters and we played in our backyard(my bro dosen’t recall any of this) and thinking about it now I think he tought them about “family life” at a young age but diden’t do anything to them but showed them his “area”(I’ve never told anybody this before so this is a first for me.Even my parents).They said that he said (and I remember this varry well) “All boys have a penis and we wanted to know if that was true so, we were wondering if we could see your guyses”.Of course,me being 6 at the time I had no idea what they were talking about and they were the same age as us so I asummed they were talking about my toes so I showed them thouse then they said “no it’s what you pee out of”.So me being 6 I showed them and I think my bro showed his both asumeing they had them as well.Course they just laughfed cuse I think they knew they relly knew what “it” was for.
That might be why I don’t mind being seen nude.However,as a kid growing up my dad worked a lot and diden’t spend a lot of time with the family so I spent time with my mom.Ya your hear mama’s boy a lot if you were me growing up.Anyways,I never got “the talked” growing up into purity and even after it hit it diden’t relly make me a “crazed sex addict” as it usully dose with “normal” guys.I think that might be becouse I grew up lission to my mom saying things like always respect women and what not.So here I was in jr.high being called quear for not haveing an interrest in girls and I remember being called a fagit fo the 1st time for the way I dressed(Tight shirt,tight pants, long hair,and I would count my caliries) and I said “Yea you look good too”.Course I wasen’t expecting chiped teeth or tasting my own blood that day and people would advoide me.I guess I can blame myself on that one.Course I nevered looked at anouther guy and prefer girls none would want to go out with me becouse I was concered a freak or gay.
Around the time I turned 17 I took family life for the 1st time in high school and even though it wa old news to everybody eles it was news to me.Although durring the class I remember not finding eather”area” atractive.You know male and female “areas”.To me it was more of a “ok so this is how babbies relly are made not some storke droping them off” and about std’s.Now I’m 20,been with 2 girls,and belive it or not my 1st broken up with me ofter takeing $3,000 from me and becouse I diden’t want to “do it and lose it” to her and the hole Gay rummer started again.
Of course I was relly hurt by these actions becouse I acully carred about her and she was acully lesibion(who I have nonthing against like gays becouse I feel it’s wrong to juge people about their sexuallity)
but, when she wasen’t with me and I diden’t want to “lose it” becouse even now I feel like I am not ready to lose my virginty(yes I’m a male virgin and disbite what people say about it I’am proud of it)
After hearing it a lot if sombody called me Gay or ****** I would just say “Proud of it” eventhough I don’t think I’m gay.They 2nd girl I was with wasen’t so “out their” with money or sex but,I think that might be becouse she had a kid from the 1st guy who said “I love you”.Now it might be me but,if a guy says that I belive you should never have unprotective sex with him.Not to be mean to readers or anything it’s just how I feel.Recentally she said she loves me but,I don’t see her as a love intersted not becouse of the kid but becouse I barley know her and don’t feel the same way evern though she’s ok with me being a virgin unlike the 1st girl I was with I just “love’ her the same way right now.For example,we started kissing,them started makeing out,and I got up and left before anything went any futher.Just a 30 min walk to clear my head.To me it diden’t feel right despite also think that I hope she dosen’t think I’m gay(wich I ‘am unsure of but,I don’t thik I am becouse I’m atracted to girls not guys for some reason just not for sex for some reason).When I got back she way crying and I apoligized for walking away and told her it wasen’t gay I just wasen’t ready for that kind of relationship.Which she way cool with.Couses this way the 1st time I seen a girl fully nude and not to be preverted of anything but was way more atracted to her then seeing a guy fully nude.I just diden’t want to “lose it” yet.
Anyways,I was with my old man recentally and her was like”Hey cheak out the girl,she would be a great girlfriend for you” despite he being married and his never ending love for porn and I got kind of mad and said”yea but looks isen’t everything,to me sex is just a waste of time” and now he thinks my mom rased a fagit and well.I just feel like when I’am ready to lose it then I will but,I want to lose it to sombody speciail in my life that i care about.Anyways,Everything I just typed was sposed to comment not about my personal views on sex and I’m sorry if this dosen’t help you out at all.If I made anybody mad at me for being so “Out their with everything” but that’s not the reason why I suicidal but in due time I’ll revale all and everthing.
Have a great day.
P.s I have a fixed amount of time useing the computer today so their may be spelling errors as I droped out in school as I said in my early posts and ect.
Anyhow,All I relly have to say is that I cann relate to you story in a way and hope that I can help you in these next days I have off.
i should stop complaining. I have nothing to moan about
A couple realizations that may help you view your experience a little easier. You may know this but the people who abused you….what kind of crap they must be carrying cause anyone who needs to project harm at another being is seriously hurting and had the same thing done to them. Does that make it better for you…probably not-but from my own experience it helped me knowing that. Any negative comments made by anyone else is all about them and though it may hurt is not about you at all…that’s the truth.
I work on gratitude as much as it doesn’t make sense given my experience. It helps me accept what I have and continue to go through-and I figure I have nothing to lose by practicing it. I heard it’s the greatest thing one can cultivate in their heart….if you decide to go I would reflect on your whole life and as best you can appreciate yourself at least…God knows-too many people lost out on the opportunity. The state you leave this life affects how you enter the next-so I encourage you to cultivate as much love for yourself before leaving-it will make your passing easier. This may not make sense but what do you have to lose, right? All the best
Hey,my bad.
Look I was relly high on pot yesterday and kind of use it as an anitdepressant not to flick b.s with anybody pluse I was relly pissed off and angery at myself for not dieing when I had the chance becouse I know the world is petter off without me.If I were to die today nobody but my family would care about me so I was thinking about going gay becouse every relationship I have been in with a girl I end up getting hurt relly bad and try to kill myself yet,I keep on liveing for some odd reason.I haven’t tryed sliting my wrists yet or pointing a gun to my head becouse I can’t get one and if I slit my wrists I know it’ll leave a lot of blood and my leave to much evdanice besides I know it’ll hurt like hell and everybody will know I’m suicidal and my be locked away.
Mabe that’s where I need to be.Locked away forever and rot away in my sponge cell or be beten to death by doctors and get stabed with a needle everyday to mellow me out.I think it might be all the anger I let build up over the years and somtimes let it out without meaning to hurt anybody and I’m to self-centered to understand that.
So,NothingLeft and When
If I hurt you guys in anyway I’am sorry.
I’ve been feeling like crap about it all day and since I was relly high lastnight and angery I wasen’t sure if I hurt anybody yet my words are right on this comment in wight and blue.So even if you don’t forgive me i cut myself a few moments ago before logging becouse I belive I deseverd it for being so stupid and mean.
And Softsoul,
Thinks for being a bigger help than me in my last poast then me.I know that when I die that theirs mbetter people than me who help poeple than be a dowener like me.I’m sorry I made an ass out myself and belive it’s people like you that keep people like Nonthingleft hope.
Since I have Nonthingleft I’m concerting on deleateing my account so I won’t ever make a mistake like this again.
Sorry everybody:(
Cd:Tales don’t tell themselfs…
By:Funeral for a friend
Song:Into Oblivion (Reunion)
I bought a gun the outher day.
I think I want that song to play at my funeral.