After a lifelong battle with painful health problems, depression and some recovery from tramatic experiences, I’ve taken turn for the worse. I am living a lie as (by general standards) a successful, professional (and potential role model to a few)Â who hides this dark side from the world.Â Suicide was always a fantasy escape option, a stress relief valve in knowing there is a way out of the pain. Now it has become an inescapable obsession, I’m seriously planning and have the ability to kill myself. The problem is that I don’t really want to die, but in my extreme, depressive state of mind (not my true, compassionate self) I am very close to acting on these impulses with plans, method research and the tools required.Â Therapy/medication has not helped. And living with suicidal tendencies, for decades, makes this situation seem not serious to the few people who know, the few ones I’ve asked for help and support from. I don’t want to set a bad example for or to hurtÂ others, and I know suicide will do that. Â I’ve usually been the caregiver, problem-solver, Â logical voice, supportive friend and volunteer. But now my extreme Â thoughts and tendencies make me feel like a hypocrite and an idiot. It’s shameful. My thoughts are so twisted and irrational that I want to end it all, not only to escape the pain but to speak most gruesomely, through a final action, to express/prove or validate the extent of my suffering. It’s a complicated mess and even with access to support or help, none of it has been helpful. I fear how close and easy it is to die now. Each time I prevent myself from committing suicide, I am later glad that I didn’t do it. It’s a vicious cycle that has spiraled out of control and there is no way out. I now face another isolated weekend of taunting myself to do it. In desperation, I write this while knowing that there is nothing anyone can say or do to stop me. Messed up, yes, and the events and trauma that contributed are too much to go into and the severe suffering is endless. Thanks for reading – to anyone who did- and I’m very sorry for rambling and especially sad to be another burden on society rather than being supportive or useful here.