After a lifelong battle with painful health problems, depression and some recovery from tramatic experiences, I’ve taken turn for the worse. I am living a lie as (by general standards) a successful, professional (and potential role model to a few) who hides this dark side from the world. Suicide was always a fantasy escape option, a stress relief valve in knowing there is a way out of the pain. Now it has become an inescapable obsession, I’m seriously planning and have the ability to kill myself. The problem is that I don’t really want to die, but in my extreme, depressive state of mind (not my true, compassionate self) I am very close to acting on these impulses with plans, method research and the tools required. Therapy/medication has not helped. And living with suicidal tendencies, for decades, makes this situation seem not serious to the few people who know, the few ones I’ve asked for help and support from. I don’t want to set a bad example for or to hurt others, and I know suicide will do that.  I’ve usually been the caregiver, problem-solver,  logical voice, supportive friend and volunteer. But now my extreme  thoughts and tendencies make me feel like a hypocrite and an idiot. It’s shameful. My thoughts are so twisted and irrational that I want to end it all, not only to escape the pain but to speak most gruesomely, through a final action, to express/prove or validate the extent of my suffering. It’s a complicated mess and even with access to support or help, none of it has been helpful. I fear how close and easy it is to die now. Each time I prevent myself from committing suicide, I am later glad that I didn’t do it. It’s a vicious cycle that has spiraled out of control and there is no way out. I now face another isolated weekend of taunting myself to do it. In desperation, I write this while knowing that there is nothing anyone can say or do to stop me. Messed up, yes, and the events and trauma that contributed are too much to go into and the severe suffering is endless. Thanks for reading – to anyone who did- and I’m very sorry for rambling and especially sad to be another burden on society rather than being supportive or useful here.
7 comments
I hear you, I want to help but I fear in failure of my advice, check this, maybe this will assist your cause:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389×5675158
I’m sure I wouldn’t be upset anymore if it wasn’t for the one I love most after reading this. She speaks better then I can. You are not an idiot, if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be feeling as good as I am now. Maybe you could try living a new life with new memories, the past is there to be learnt from, learn from what ever you believe you did was wrong and improve. Truly, I’m not sure if you understand this, but at least you have everything you still have right now. I don’t know what you are currently suffering but I don’t think it is as bad as it could have been, if you suffer health problems make the best of what’s left, I personally thought about my victims and imagined myself in their position. Truly I am fortunate still to be alive. I used to believe everything has its good and bad sides, I’m starting to believe in that again. Perhaps what causes your demise also has an advantage you can take use of? you have my voice for your support.
Very good site and link, especially: ” If we accept this as a defeat then we lose, but as long as we keep fighting then we haven’t been defeated.” You are right about trying to start new with what we have today, to put the past aside, and to make the best of the health that is left. Athough it is easier said than done, we both can keep trying. May peace and wellness be with you and your family.
Your voice of support is much appreciated.
Hey, thank you for posting. From the way you write, I like you.
So you have health problems, pain, trauma, depression, a “dark side”, are “living a lie”, continuing suicidal thoughts/feelings and a desire to impress on others the agony you feel. No luck with therapy/medication. You have a desire to be “an asset” to society, rather than “a burden”. You still want to live. You don’t want to be defeated.
Health problems… hmmm, can’t help you there.
Pain… can’t help you there. Life can be painful. Very.
Trauma… Sounds like something to deal with the way you find right. Share it or keep it to yourself.
Depression… Maybe that can be lessened. As you’re probably aware, there is a good scientific record of treating depression. But you should do it in the way you find right, and it sounds like maybe you should focus wider than just on traditional therapy/medication. Ever heard of Gestalt Therapy? I’ve heard it’s good stuff.
“Dark side”… If it is a danger to others, maybe you should tell them? If it is a danger to you, maybe you should also tell someone about it?
“Living a lie”… I’d identify the lie and stop living it. Live in a different way. Live the way that you find true, that you find honest. Might be some serious adjustments involved.
Suicidal thoughts/feelings… You’ll have to wait untill you are so much in the thick of it that there is no time for suicide. Then again, they’ll pop up in the minds of many people once in a while, especially when you’re strung out.
Desire to impress on others the agony you feel… No one will be more impressed than you. You’re the one feeling it. But you hunger to be understood. What you can do is to understand yourself better. And love yourself more. And obviously, communicate and share with other people. Most people want to help. Some even want to listen.
You’ve had no luck with therapy/medication… Me too. Obviously, there are many kinds of therapy and meds to try, but personally I now believe I must accept my “illness”, live with the handicaps it gives me, with the pain, maybe “getting to know the pain”, but in the way I feel is right. In other words, if therapy/medication doesn’t work, try something else. Maybe buddhism or something 😉 Or just acceptance.
“Asset” to versus “burden” on society… Good on you. You want to contribute, you want to help others. I dunno about the “burden” term. We’re humans, just humans.
You want to live… Excellent.
You don’t want to be defeated… I think you and rosebug answered that one.
Sorry, this was written in the early hours maybe as a form of self-therapy. Might be useless to you.
Anyway, good luck on your life, and I hope you find peace.
Best wishes,
Daniel
Thank you very much, I am happy that helps you. I will talk with my loved one and see if I can redeem myself. Thank you again. May peace be with you.
How are you Rosebud? I have been blessed. I found purpose in my life and I am happy again. I found my optimism, thank you again, I hope you too have found your happiness? how are you? 🙂
Thanks for the support…
Hi to both Daniel & Omar, I appreciate the the comments. I am doing OK, and am scheduled to meet with my doctor next week.
Daniel, maybe the purpose of this site is to get people talking and therefore somewhat out of isolation. So, you are right in that there is a self-therapy part of writing here. Your suggestions are duly noted and it’s especially helpful to hear the thoughts come from someone who is without the bias of knowing me already. I wonder what brought you here, are you OK?
The lie I refer to is going through daily life wearing a facade, as if all is OK, then switching into self-destructive behavior when alone. And you are right about needing to identify/confront the lie. I think it’s the fear of everything crumbling apart that keeps me from accepting (and better coping with) reality. The truth is that it all fell to pieces a long time ago and that I need to face up to that and to start over in the here and now.. The mention of Gestalt therapy was a good idea, because cultivating awareness and personal responsibility are the only approaches that have really helped me in the past, so I’ll read-up and try to put some of those methods into practice. *Thank You*
I wrote to Omar, commenting in his post, about reasons to keep going, about starting new from today, moving forward and that we do have the choice to fight the past from dragging us down. Making a resolution to be productive, to not give up and to keep going forward is an important start. It’s maintaining that focus that presents a great challenge for many of us. Having family or friends be supportive is helpful.
As I read the posts here, and comments, it seems that most (not all) of the people struggling with suicidal tendencies appear (from their writing) to be quite young. It makes me want to reach out and to share what I know, but find myself with little energy, barely able to survive through each day. If any of the young people read this I want them to know that life is worth living, even though we struggle and suffer, it truly is worthwhile. There is love, light, creativity, there is positive nature, hope and compassion; it’s just nearly invisible when we are in a depressive state. Depressed perspectives are twisted and warped, do not trust them!
I have the experience and perspective of a middle-aged person, with access to support and medical help. I know that there is life beyond trauma and tremendous grief. I know that things can improve or that we can learn to live with what remains and to do our best. That’s the logical approach, but depression takes hold and we do irrational things that are fueled by guilt, pain, trauma and mental illness. The stigma keeps many people from seeking help and even with support, therapy and medication sometimes we improve only temporarily or maybe not at all.
The best approach is in cultivating wellness, rather than spending all of our time and energy battling negativity, or in fighting the darkness. When all we do is fight the bad stuff, we’re giving away our power. It is possible for some people to improve with self-help, but we need some grounding force, compassion for others, community, a loved one, a sense of purpose or hope. Some people have religion. Go to whatever good that you can relate to.
My biggest dilemma is in times of feeling that my “life force” or inner light is no longer there, and that when the suffering is unbearable that I have the ability and motivation to self-destruct. It’s like living in an empty shell that resonates with only sadness and negativity, and I’m not in control of that person, it’s an entirely different reality. So, one thing I am trying to do when I feel OK is to write, to leave messages and notes for myself to go to when the severe depression takes hold. Writing here is part of that. I’m strengthening “the good side”, so that when the darkness comes that it’s not so powerful or in control.
**I’ll do my best, I intend to seek wellness, I choose to live, and hope the same for everyone else. Best wishes to all.**
Mashallah, all be well with you :), do you have msn? ^_^