I could write for a thousand years. But nothing will change. Ive grown up open to everything. i mean i suppose my life could be worse. I’m lucky i have a family that love each other, Doesnt matter how fucked up we each are we will help each other. But my family is the same as me, struggling for a reason to life. they all pritty much decided that reproduction and education is better than any other option.
I have never like this world but i love this planet, I hate they way people behave when put together. but i love everyone on their own.
But what can you do. For no reason, the majority of people hate you. Spit on you, bash you, light you on fire. tear your heart out word by word.
Ive always struggled with the ideal about 1,0. on and off, i reckon this is the reason for life. Male and female. The reason for all the bad and all the nice in the the world. Good and evil. Its amazing the power. Almost all computers are controlled by 0,1. just over and over again. Well its not the answer but i know its part of it. This universe is controlled by patterns.
It screwed up my schooling havin no friends when i was younger, but went to highschool, started to experience real fun, then my little sister went to highschool and had nothing bad a shit time how out with wrong people, wreck her schooling, ignorant. Australian schools are stupid, only design to learn what u need to get a job, they dont teach you to learn they program you. But any place to learn is better than none. Im just grateful ive always been excellent at computers with the ablitiy to inflitrate peoples information on the internet i had the chance to learn what ever i need and ive learnt everything. but anyway when i started to party it was awesome. did what i wanted, met awesome people. Then it all seemed to go bad at once. My sister got so much rumors spread about her it drove her insane met bad people, ran away for 2 weeks do you know what its like watching your mother cry for 2 weeks. when she came back she was a mega *****. Bashed the shit out of me, slammed my head into a glass door, pushed me down the stairs and heaps more. didnt really hurt though but it still not cool being bashed by family. Like that thought goes through your head in self defense to retaliate but straight you remember your better than all the other people who couldnt stop.
Then people started to die,
Mikey ( my good friend heart attack – 15)
kane (little sisters boyfriend who hung-16)
My grandma( who i loved so much – cancer )
my uncle robert ( Base jumper who fell of a skateboard didnt wear a helment and brain swelled 22)
my grandfather ( He was awesome. He was psychotic, bipolar but a amazing doctor man-everything)
My uncle ken ( Horse train – prostate cancer 30+)
elanore (Mums best friend – mystery case)
her father david ross (my mums idol)umm im sure im missing some
This was like within a year
so many funerals. my family was so sad.
Didnt really phase me.I mean i love everyone of them more than the everything but I was jealous.
They all had stuff to live for. I still have nothing. I just dont want to make anyone sadder
All it did for me is made my family poorer. I couldnt handle school anymore. I lost all my confidence
When i was twelve i found the truth about the world and committed huri kuri( stabbed my self with a butchers knife) deep in scrubland and woke up in a basement with some guy staring at me holding his cock. I flipped out sent him to the afterlife go up stairs to see his wife and his kids.
I looked into there eyes, the kids looked like zombies and the mother looked so feeble. it wasnt right i just said survival of the fittest and walked out. i mean it was a long time ago now and i do regret taking his life but it did make me stronger. I mean i knew their were peadophiles but i didnt understand how many it was. everyday thousands of kids souls get destroyed. I just dont want anything to happen to everyone. Some people arent as strong as me and cant defend themselves. but thats wrong everyone can defend themselves. humans are very weak but are amazing survivors. Prison doesnt do anything but make people worse. People need to understand what they are doing just shouldnt be done. I mean corrupt cops are fucking the worse. I hate it how a little bit of money can make people look away and cause so much destruction to people souls.
I am nothing i have always know this and too be honest i dont want be apart ofÂ world were everyone can be manipulated the human brain is our strongest tool. out think everyone and you will excel. Ive learnt so much i dont even see the world anymore i just see x lines y lines and 256 coloursÂ directed by positive and negative matter everything vibrating at different rates composed of protons, neutrons and electrons then the miracle of energy bonding positive and negative matter together. It gets a bit complex from there and would take me forever to right.
Ive learn to make anything. ive studied how to get any resource from concretes to paper to rubber, to silicon, potassium nitrate, Acids, I know how to forge, i design circuitry everything, laser all kinds of lasers, nuclear reactors, generators, gyroscope, energy fields. All i do now is study.
Its driving me insane but i cant stop. I want to know everything. I love this universe i never run out of things to learn.
Here i am sitting on this vibrating, rotating, orbiting orb. I know i could make the human life on this planet just as comfortable as it is now without burning fossil fuels without children being victimized and heldÂ in their parents grips. Parents are the cause to alot, trying to keep their kids safe but making it worse without people being scared of all the evils and FIGHT. People shouldnt be scared we are all almost equal.
I love everyone. I dont care what you look like, how boring, how stupid, how anything . I love you. I love you all.
but my heart is black, I feel like my emotions arent mine their the people around. I crave destruction, but i dont want heart ache
My mum is so sad. when ever im near her i just feel like the world is collapsing around and some evil spirit stomping or the happiness out of me
My mum is the greatest would help anyone in need. the amount of my sisters friends we have taken in because they had been kicked out is hectic and with everything that has happened to her in her life. I dont want anything but happiness to go to her. when she dies i have to make a decision wether to save the world or just forget about it all and be devoured by the darkness. Until then ill fight. Ill survive. Do what ever i have too.
Its hard to find self worth. if you cant get a job, your prittty much fucked. im lucky enough people feel guilty enough to let me stay around. Im so greatful for everything i have learnt from everyone around me and off the internet. I just dont see why its fair ive got a tainted brain that craves nothing but bloodlust thats controlled by consequences, damn consequences. ive had hectic dreams ever since i can remember. I just remember this girl she haunts me. she has only said one thing. dont stop looking. I know its weird im a freak but fuck i dont care what anyone thinks ive seen shit that supposedly not real HA! ive seen that many ghosts out of the corner of my eye its not funny. i dont understand how people think ghosts arent real its just the difference of negative and positve matter crossing dimensions when a life has been taken still filled with potential energy.
I could write and write about shit but basically im nothing. thirsting for i dont know. a type of power but still not wanting anything. im just lost in thought. Should i do something? or should i just do what everyone else does? born,eat,lie,sleep,fuck, piss, reproduce , die
I fear my power. Dont you think there should be some reason for something. i mean i look at religon with a open-mind ive read bible new and old testaments, kuran. tibeaten book of the dead, book of the morman,Â and a few more. there all basically the same. Self indulgent god telling u not to self-indulge. do shit for me. But it makes sense if u think about. a million people, a million thoughts. A thought never dies goes on forever from atom to atom. It took me so long to comprehend it until i realize there is nothing but matter even space is matter. equally spaced apart positive and negative hydrogen atoms but yea million thoughts every day for 2000 thousand years is alot of energy. People created the gods by believing in them and if you do believe in them theres that much energy it could be come Full of thought may take pity on you and give you what your heart desires. Didnt work for me though i prayed to them all. A had a dream about a year later i was 16 . it was just darkness with the chick tied to a chair and aÂ massive red demon mutha fucker says “Stop looking” and slits her throat . All my dreams felt so real. i never dreamed about her again. i think about her everyday. those eyes. i know its my imagination but iÂ miss her.
I use to cry. it pissed me off. im not weak. i just made my body understand its just a defense mechanism and doesnt achieve anything but makes u feel worse.
I aim to be the best at everything so when the time comes i can overcome any obstacle and achieve anything i can imagine
i dont know why im writing here i guess i want someone to understand how i feel. I have never found anyone else like me.
i feel like i should of been born in a different era but than i would never experienced anything that made me the way i am. I love myself because i have survived so far even though im nothing. i see no limits to my power but its not my place to do anything people have to save themselves that doesnt mean by themselves but with someones help. Ive met so many people have been through the worse situations you can imagine. like my friend was sold by his parents for like $3000 when he was 14. i was with him the day before it took me 3 months to find him . Poor kid did the only thing he could and took his life. I wasnt very happy and my vengeance will never be quenched.
So what can u do in this fucked up world.
A) find people like you
B) Find something that makes you different
C) Love and hate everyone
D) learn all you can
E)DONT TRUST ANYONE PEOPLE CHANGE
The day i take my life and end the never ending battle whether i should help or hinder or do nothing is the only thing i look forward to.
When i am alone i nothing. when im outside im fake. When im with my family im neglected.
I am nothing, i have wreck my life over and over again with no control over it.
I do to others as i want them to do to me. If i kill someone and someone trys to kill me and i kill them do i get twice the retaliation and if i kill the retaliation do i get four times the retaliation?
I prolly should stop writing ok. I love you all if youÂ ever need to talk to someoneÂ Â email@example.com
Do what ever feels right