I want to know if somebody, some god chooses who is cursed from birth to have such a desire for death. If he/she exists, and when I find them I cant begin to imagine the torture I will put them through. I have had to suffer along with four of my closest friends with thoughts and desires that stem from such a dark place. I am the last one left. Either intentionally or from a disregard of life they all ended where i want so badly to be. I couldn’t say how many times I have tried to kill myself, either on a whim or with planning every time i fail makes it more desirable. Its a challenge. I moved down to Victoria from Queensland to remove myself and disconnect from people I felt may be affected by my death as i had by my closest. I knew no one, it was what i wanted. And then, a complication. I met Dylan, and he loved me. I don’t think I had really had anyone else love me like that before. I had to sweep all my thoughts for death under the rug. It hasn’t been easy. I would still think about it several times a day. Its like every situation I was in I would relate back to death. But i am in love with him. We had a big fight on New Years Eve, hes still hanging around, but i think he doesn’t care anymore. So my complication is gone now, and i have all this hurt to further push me over the cliff. I’m home alone. Maybe for the last night, I don’t know, I don’t know anything anymore.