I am not a stupid girl. I just make stupid decisions. I love my boyfriend of three years. However he has so much issues that he’s dealing with that I got wrapped up in all of his drama. He’s dealing with depression and addiction and despite all the support I’m trying to give him, he spirals down into his alcoholism dragging me along with him. I had a bad past and I am trying my best to support myself and put myself through school. But he’s just so twisted that he ended up getting drunk, cheated on me, and in the process, I suspect he’d given me herpes. Of course I can’t fully tell yet because the doctors told me that even if I was showing symptoms, tests won’t show up positive until after six months of initial exposure. So I have until April before I can finally know for sure if he’s given me any STD’s. I don’t know what to do now.
We had tried to work things out and to get him help with his issues. I guess you can say we were victims of the stagnant economy. We had both gotten laid off several times and moved place to place looking for better oppurtunities. He had been sober for about three years but he started drinking again because of having no job prospects. Our problems just escalated from there.We’re both suicidal at this point.Â We both went into debt because we kept moving from place to place trying to find a home where we can both heal and just get on with our lives in peace. We’ve moved to three states in less than three years.
I don’t have friends and family here because I had been moving so much. I’m in the middle of school right now so I can’t move back home. And even if I did, I won’t have the means to support myself readily because of the economy. There are just no jobs out there anywhere. I come from a poor family and I know that my family will not be able to support me financiallyÂ while they themselves are struggling to survive. I don’t really feel like I have much of a support system no matter where I do end up going.
I’m miserable and I wonder what the point is anymore. I think that maybe just taking the easy way out is the best. I won’t have to worry about debt.Â I won’t have to worry aboutÂ burdening my family with my financial situation. I won’t have to worry about my weakening health (I’ve been sick a lot) or figure out how to pay for medical expenses. I won’t have to worry if I can afford to have a roof over my head next month. And finally I won’t have to worry about him anymore…. I just want to be free from all this.Â It’s so hard to sleep at night and when I do sleep, I never want to get up at all. I’ve been averaging at least 10 hours of sleep a day. I don’t have the desire to go to work or school anymore. I feel like all I do now is just cry or concoct ways to kill myself. I have a loser boyfriend and I’m so pissed at myself for allowing myself to get wrapped up in his mess. The sad thing is,I can’t afford to live anywhere without his financial help. Yet staying with him feels like I can’t get out of debt. I feel so trapped. I feel so alone. I feel so embarrassed by my situation. I’m so angry that I was so naive toÂ believe in loving someone so much that maybe that was enough redemption. After almost over a year of him relapsing back and forth to both alcohol and drugs and using both as an excuse to cheat, I’m ready to just die now. Â
I wanted a life, a future, a family. Even if I broke up with him now who’s going to want me especially if I do end up being positive with Herpes? Being with him has damaged me so much. Leaving would only lead me to possibilities of being alone for the rest of my life. While staying with him means that I’ll just continue suffering. So where do I go from here?