Out of all the posts I’ve posted on here, I’ve never really posted my story. Why I’m like this or how it all started. Usually people don’t take the time to read when people post there stories, but what the hell. I don’t care if no one reads it. I need to write all this shit down, it’s the only way I’ll continue to be somewhat sane.
I’m fifteen years old right now. Young right? Well my depression all started when I was in 5th grade, 11 years old. My mom at the time was suffering from depression, so I often had to take care of her, and take care of things around the house. She never left the house, except when she had to go to work, with that it self she barely went.Â I would often have to hold her in my arms while she cried. She would tell me how she was going to kill her self, and she would always be looking up on suicide websites.
With my mom, not really being well, a mom, I had to sort of defend for my self. Wake my self up in the morning yada yada yada. This wasn’t such a big deal to me, except, I wouldn’t really take care of myself, and I didn’t have any one to tell me that I needed to. I wouldn’t brush my hair really and wouldn’t put on makeup or anything. I had really bad acne and I was very tall and and awkwardly skinny. I was made fun of everyday. Everyday I was called names. I remember one day no one said anything to me, and I was shocked, literatly shocked. It just came so much of a habit that I was made fun of. This is when I would say my depression began.
The next year, things started to get somewhat better. I still had the depression but I started taking care of my looks. My mom still had depression, but that didn’t really concern me anymore. I started to get friends and things started to better. I was still made fun of some what but not nearly as bad as the year before.
The year after that, I began dating a boy, who now I say changed my life to no end. Lets call him, Tom. Me and Tom dated for 10 months.Â I was in love. I know I was young, 13 at the time, but I was in love.Â He was my everything and more. He was the only reason why I kept on keeping on. That year I began taking anti-depressants medicine for my depression. I also begun to cut myself.Â Tom was the one who made me stop cutting myself. he knew all about my depression, yet didn’t think I was a freak. He never pressured me into anything, I thought he loved me.
That Summer we broke up, over fighting to much and just a lot of other things. We were just going to take a break but ending up deciding not to get back together permanently. Tom went out with another girl on what was supposed to be our year anniversary. In my opinion, he hurt me to no end in that way. After they broke up, Tom would start talking to me again, telling me he still loved me and cared about me, and then a week later telling me I was fat and ugly and I needed to leave him alone. This vicious cycle went on through out this whole year. I fell deeper and deeper in my depression. I attempted suicide but just ended up staying at the hospital for a night. It cost my parents a lot of money, a lot of money they don’t have. My sibllings told me I was very selfish for attempting suicide and I felt like I was too. I began to cut myself almost every night. I got kicked off the cheer leading team for smoking, and I was still in love with Tom even though he would use me as a puppet. I was totally dead inside. I was seriously a walking dead person.
It has been ups and downs from then I guess. I’ve been to the doctor numerous of times to get new medicine or get on more medicine, and it seems to help for awhile, but I just seem to start getting more and more depressed. I have no confidence in my self what so ever. My opinions of my self is totally based off what other people think about me.I know it shouldn’t be but it is. I know a lot of people have had it a million times worse than me, and I respect them, because I’m barely hanging on now.
I’ve been getting bad again, I think I have seasonal defective disorder, because I get really depressed during the winter but I’m okay during the summer. I’ve been debating killing myself again though. I’m really not happy at all anymore, I can’t find joy in anything. I’m failing all my classes and I’ve been gaining weight. I’m just a failure to society. I’m just worthless and don’t deserve to be on this earth. I hate life and everything it has to offer. I just feel like theres no way out.