I almost died when I was born, I had liver problems, Kidney problems, was in the ICU at the hospital for weeks because they all thought I wouldn’t make it. I did.
At 18months old, I contracted Viral Bronchiole Pneumonia, I almost died from that too, I spent 6 months in hospital because it affected me badly. I also had asthma. I survived. When I found this out when I moved into Primary school [years 3 – 6] I felt happy that I’d survived, proud that I’d fought to live, But then you, my so called friends, took all that pride, Happiness EVERYTHING away from me!
Did you see the pain behind my fake smiles? The anger? Hatred? All towards myself? Did you not see your ridicule was slowly pushing me down, slowly killing me?
You, my so called ‘friends’ bullied me non stop for 6 whole years! It wasn’t just verbal, it was physical, and mental. You turned my own sister on me, my own twin?! How sick were you lot? You may of only been kids, but you’re smart, can’t you see what you did?!
Every smile was forced, every laugh was forced, everything was forced! I didn’t want to be accepted by you bunch of thugs.
I wasn’t like you! Never were and never will be. You made me hate myself so much, to the point I refused to eat. Refused my favourite meals. My weight stopped at a ridiculous four stone. And stayed like that for 6 years.
You didn’t see the scars you caused, No one can, Not even me. But they’re there. I know they are. You didn’t hear my pleas for help, you didn’t hear my pleas for death.
You didn’t see me cry myself to sleep night after night wishing I would just die, not wake up the following day and face you lot, another beating, more harsh words I was beginning to believe.
It wasn’t untill I hit 15 that I tried over dosing, but each time I woke up. Why? Did who ever is in control of who dies and who doesn’t like the torture I was put through?
I finally left school and I started eating properly again! I found what I wanted to do and what I was good with, I stuck to it. But I still felt suicidal. I just wanted to down a shed load of pills and die. But whenever I tried.. I got stopped. Or I did it and I woke up feeling even worse then before.
Why couldn’t I die?! Why wouldn’t it work?! Why did I have to live like this day in, day out?
But then, I met this one person. You saved my damn life. And you don’t even know it, You stopped me killing myself just by caring, by constantly talking to me, you didn’t know whenever I spoke to you, I was smiling, but crying. Because, you asked, I’d tell you, you’d tell me it’ll all be okay. You cared when no one else did. I fell in love with you, but never thought that you’d ever feel the same, I was wrong, we both were. We both thought the same. And If you saved me, did I save you ? You felt the same as me, suicidal, hating life. Wanting out. If I did save you, just let me know..
We’ve been together just over a year, and I’m turning 19 soon.
Suicide sometimes feels like the only answer, and in some cases it may be that. But just remember who ever reads this. If I can defeat bullying, suicidal thoughts, so can you <3
I cheated death twice. But that is precisely what I wanted for 6 whole years. I fought my damn demons, I fought everything to be happy. I still get suicidal now. But I can at least see abit more sense this time.
And I also realized.. That no one will ever be perfect ; no matter who you are, what you do, or how you've been brought up..
We're all individual <3 smile [: