I’ve come to a point where I can’t even look in the mirror.I can’t stand myself.I hate it everytime I even dare to find something good about me.If I look in the mirror and I think “My hair’s pretty today,” the next thing that comes to my mind is “No, you’re so arrogant.Fuck off, you are ugly.You have to, otherwise you wouldn’t be so lonely.”.I am lonely, indeed.I may have a few friends, but in the last couple of years my circle of friends got smaller with each day.And even though I may have some friends, I still can’t name ’em that way properly.I never really talk to them about how bad I feel because I don’t want to be selfish and because I know that they are not interested in my problems.Let’s face it, nobody’s interested in someone else’s problems.We all got our own issues.
On the other side, I just want to be left alone.I’m tired of my parents coming into my room and trying to make so-called conversation.All they do is annoying the hell out of me by making fun of me.
I’m having some weight issues, I haven’t eaten in two weeks, then I began eating a lot again, then non-eating and so on.They tried to help, but they sort of failed and now they just make fun of me whenever they see me eating something.Like “Are you on a diet?Oh, I know… that diet when you put on weight.Look at your belly, there’s a lot of fat in there.”
Maybe they just try to joke around, but I can’t take it as a joke.I can’t andÂ just won’t.For me it’s pretty obvious that they are right, but if I stop eating again, they’ll try to stop me from doing it.And when I eat, they just try to make fun of me.I’m cofused.
I haven’t been out for 4 days already, even though I’m on a school break for one week.I’m tooÂ ashamed to go out.I look so awful, I feel so desperate and every time I walk by someone I know, I wonder what are they thinking of me, do they stand me, do they think I’m ugly, do they even consider me pretty?
My biggest fear is having the yearsÂ passing me by, without doing something with my life.And all I seem to do is wasting the most beautiful years in my life.I don’t go to parties, I don’t have lovers and I don’t usually hang out.My dad told me today that I’m so pale and I should hang out with my friends, go to a local park or something.Another day I heard him talking to a relative about girls making up and he said s0mething like: “Yeah, I know.We always told her she’s too young to wear any make-up, but now… come on, aren’t you going to use some of it?”.For me it sounded like he considers me a creep, an untidy bastard that won’t even wear make-up.And what’s so wrong with not wearing make-up?!
Am I that creepy?I know I don’t normal stuffs.I do just boring stuffs.Of course, I do those things becuase I love them; like drawing or writing.But I don’t excel in any of them.So it’s not like I’m one of those people that have no social life but have a great talent that they know how to use it.No, I’m not one of those.I’m just pathetic.I’m lame.I’m boring, unoriginal and stupid.
School is okay.I’m only having A’s and B’s, but I’m not the smartest kid in the school, so… again, I’m not outstanding.
I frown even when I don’t want to and you rarely see me truly laughing.Most of the people I got in good terms with told me they couldn’t stand me at the first sight.That’s because I tend to try to protect my inner side from the others and I do it with a shell.I don’t smile, just frown and act like I don’t give a fuck.But inside I’m all so worried and desperate and all I can think of is Â “What do they think of me?”.
It’s driving me nuts.I’m so confused.It’s just one day I’m white, the next day I’m black.Never gray.
I also think I’m having a problem when it comes to love.I feel bad all the time ’cause there is no one that could love or even like me, butÂ when there is someone, I find their existence useless, pointeless and meaningless to me and I try my best to get rid off them so I can be left alone in my world.But when I am, I get depressed and I long to be loved.There’s a battle inside of me and I’m trying to understand which world I belong to.
I tried to take my life lots of me, but even this thing I can’t do it!I’m the most coward person someone could ever meet.Three years ago I used to cut myself, now I’m punishing myself by not eating.Everytime I try to harm myself in some way and I can’t stand it anymore.I only destroy myself and I’m getting pretty tired of it.
I don’t know me anymore.