This is my first time here, I have been suicidal for…most of my life, when I was 7 i tried to stab myself. I have tried many times since then, and as I am in life a complete failiure. No doctors have helped me, but then I don’t consider myself to have ‘Mental Health’ issues, I just don’t like life. Just like some folk don’t like tomatoes. I have tried and tried and like everything else I have failed. I didn’t have a great child hood, I have had two mentally abusive relationships, and the last one has turned me to ice. I am now weak, scared, I cannot sypathise or empathise with anyone due to the way I look at things, which is ‘deal with it’. I don’t know what I should be feeling in certain situations my mind is telling me what I should do, but it’s like my heart is numb or too weak. I could go on and on. My point is I have decided hanging is the way to go, it’s the only thing I haven’t tried, it has to work. I do not want to see my 30th birthday this year. I am not ill, just some people can’t forgive, or can’t understand, and it gets tiring. Then what about the people left behind??? I think they are selfish. If I was dying from along term illness and I was in pain and I was tired, they would no doubt want to help, or at least would want me out of pain and misery. And these people who call it the easy way out…..don’t know bout anyone else but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve tried to do many times, knowing how much hurt I’m causing, or having to face them again if it doesn’t work. I have also considered heroin overdose, my partner and mum both work with drug addicts, do you think that they would feel it was aimed at them! Thats the other thing that gets to me, once your gone, everyone starts blaming themselves, it’s nobodies fault. How would I make them not blame themselves? All this is starting to revolve around other people, So what if I ran away for a couple of months sent themm letters explaining it all, then exit.
6 comments
Some might blame themselves, others will see it as a disease. I’ve often thought of an accident or saying I left the country to pursue another life. It’s hard to say. Any way of committing suicide you choose, they will feel hurt. Isn’t it best that they don’t know and be left to wonder
I wished I lived in a country with guns. I would go out and get shot by a really bad person who deserved to be put away. A big lie but no one would blame themsevles and a bad person is taken off the streets and I get my end of it!
Hello
so young girl you are in your twenties and feeling like that. Hmm,
you know, on reading your posting all the time I had the impression that you do believe there is something that would fix things, only you have lost hope that such a thing will happen. I have again the impression that if “that thing” happened, you would not recognize yourself and you would see the things you feel now as something from the past.
The way you expressed it “I dont like life just like someone may not like tomatoes” is on the one side funny in the crudeness of the description but also says, that if I could have a better emotional environment even at some other place, I would feel different.
Have you researched the field of falling in love ?
regards
O
The only thing you may consider correcting in your life is your own judgment of how you feel/think you’ve done. Some may look at you and never think that and even if they did, who cares-it means nothing. Anything negative that comes from someone is a reflection of them not whoever they’re talking about. You can work hard at finding all the problems with you, or maybe search out some good qualities. I read your post…articulate, expressive, had the courage to share. Cheers!
Boy oh boy, I do feel for you. And I hear you. Seriously, how much misery can one person take? If/when I do decide to take my life, I’m going to leave. I’ll leave a note for my husband, sister, best friend, and parents, stating that I’ve decided to move away and start over. Then they can at least feel that I’m still alive. There’s no way to completely spare them, but this is a bit better.
Thank you all for your kind, understanding and supportive words.
I have had to put my plan is on pause, as my aunt (my best friend) has lung cancer. I only wish I could swap places with her for her sake and I admit, my own. For now at least I have to stay and be the rock for everyone else. Although the dia-morphine she will be given has already crossed my mind as an escape from this putrid pit of a place, which makes me a bad person.
I am in love, he is the best person you could hope to know, I just wish I had met him before I was broken, maybe things would of been different, cause I don’t feel I deserve him, I have been mean to him, but as a councellor himself he sort of understands, although I hate that I’m wasting his time, it’s not like I haven’t tried to put it right. For some unknown reason he won’t let me go. I think I’m a challenge to him sometimes, like he thinks he can fix me. Of course this then angers me. I try to realise it is cause he loves me that he helps me, and then the whole cycle starts agin, where I try to get him to move on with out me, and sometimes he won’t so I have to be mean.
But with him there are at least glimpses of happiness, that I know I will never own again, they are just small things, but it’s the small things that matter, but we can’t live on the small things can we. Because the big black stuff comes along and tramples all over it, and the rest of the time, it’s limbo, don’t know where you are what your doing or why your doing it, you just exist. then the small glimpses of happiness show you what a miracle is………. then blackness.
As for something good happening to me, in order for me to be in a different place to where I am, my memories, my life, and background, would all have to be replaced, may aswell wipe the slate clean and start again! There is only so much forgivness, understanding and acceptance in a person, and I am running dry. I know I will probably never get around to taking myself out (and I don’t mean for dinner). I’ll probably end up a grumpy, lonely old cat women, who lives in a haunted house and gets teased by the kids. Think I’ll change my name to ‘Mertyl’.