a glimpse of hope

I have just recently found this website. I navigated around on it a little and decided to make an account. For now I don’t want to share my full story but maybe one that will help bring at least a little hope to some people out there.

Ever since I was younger I had depression issues. I remember the times where the worst when I was probably in 8th or 9th grade. It got to the point where I would play games with myself, I convinced myself that no one cared about me and therefor my existence was pointless. I would go to school and actually time how long it took someone to talk to me or to ask me if I was alright because It was to the point that I felt like a walking ghost. I didn’t feel like I existed and almost felt like it was an out of body experience. I was sad but I didn’t know what I was sad about but knew I wanted the pain to just go away. When I was younger I used to pretend I was sick all the time to get out of going to school to face other people or to do anything. One day I decided I was done with everything and that I was going to end it all once and for all. I stayed home from school, and waited for my mom to go to work. I decided I was just going to take all of my ADD pills, and essentially overdose. The ADD pills would speed up my heart and just like that I would be gone. As my mom left to say goodbye she gave me a kiss and I told her I loved her and she just gave me this look like she knew, she knew something was going on in my mind but yet she left anyway. I got myself prepared and got everything ready when I heard my phone vibrate and I saw I got a text. The text was from a girl in my class, and I still remember it exactly, all it said was “Hey Alex, we all noticed you weren’t at school today and just wanted to make sure everything was okay and tell you that we love and care about you.” The funniest thing about this was this was a girl that I wasn’t even good friends with, and its weird to me because after years of depression, months of suicidal thoughts, and days of planning I forgot about it all and didn’t go through with it.

Through it all I am happy I didn’t go through with it. I as well as all of you have so much life to live. I am older now and although I still struggle with what I like to call my demons, even on my darkest days I pull through and I can honestly say I am happy I do. I am not saying that I am done with my thoughts or done with the fight but I realized I am happy that I have been around for what I have been around for and maybe that day just wasn’t my day to go. If you care to read this wether you are considering suicide, have attempted or are trying to fight through like me just know someone does care about you, someone does notice you and a lot more people are going to miss you.