a mixure of experiences

Do you have a low self-esteem or a high one? personally i dont really know what i have i mean i tell everyone im awsome and i guess i believe it myself but i always feel empty inside and i honestly dont know why.My teacher was to busy today so she couldnt tell the guidance councelor about my poem but she’ll probably tell her tomorrow i keep getting this feeling that whenevr the guidance councelor does come to see me that she’ll pull me out of math class and we have this class in school called group guidance were they stick classes of 7th graders and the guidance councelor talks about different issues like up until now we’ve been learning about bullying and tomorrow we’re gonna start talking about self-esteem so i guess thats gonna be interesting.My mom says that some of my family members could see preminitions you know stuff like that and it sorta happens to me especially when i sleep i dont have dreams anymore and when ever i do dream its always about something and eventually it’ll come true.Sometimes i wish i can read peoples emotions cuz it’ll be easier for me to understand others especially this girl in my class i know something must have happend to her and she’s my friend so it’s only natural for me to want to help her but she never tells anyone anything.I think i need to separate myself from my friends i hate the fact that their constantky on me i mean i guess it’s my fault for telling the how i feel ive learned my lesson on speaking my mind and all that ever does is fuck me over BIG TIME.My mother taught me well she taught me how do be independent i think she taight me to well i dont depend on anyone not even my closest friend well i cant actually depend on my parents because i know damn well im more of an adult then them,i dont ask for help no matter how much i might need it, and im ant-social i mean i guess id respond if you talked to me but if im not in the mood ill ignore you and im REALLY good at doing that.I guess im stubborn and all i do is read i write poetry to get my mind off of things and i paint when im depressed but no ones noticed yet my parent think they know my weakness but i dont have one at least i dont think i do my sub-dad’s all like i know your weakness all we have to do is take away the things you love NOT!!! YOU CAN STRIP ME NUDE BUT AS LONG AS I HAVE MY THOUGHTS YOU’LL NEVER WIN STUPID FUCK!!! my god like really how stupid is that i think ive been waiting for someone to save me but i also think i dont want to be touched.Im a failure as a daughter im failing my classes and i cant be perfect like my mother wants me to be i have no freedom and thats why i think s the out most reason why i can NEVER EVER be in a proper relationship i hate it when all guys wanna do is hold your habd evry second i feel like im caged and i HATE it!!! my mom will never understand how i feel even if i decide to tell her or not.I have a journal were i write every fight every bad thing that happens in my life in perfect detail and when i die or before i die im going to do my absolute best to get that and my poems published.I just remebered a couple of days ago it was something when i was like 8 my cousin was living with us at the time and i remember us playing a really fun card game we were always playing this game then one day when i asked him he said that we had to kiss first and at first i was kinda scared so i refused but everytime i asked he said the same thing so i guess i gave in and everytime after that whenever i wanted to play the game with him we had to make out first and im just wondering is this molestation to?is it my fault cuz i gave in? and does kissing him for playing a game make me a whore or whatever you call it?