Today is a bad day, or was, it’s almost over. I don’t know why I am writing this, here and now.
Everything that has happened this week has been depressing to me, even though most of it is not of a depressing nature. It just is what it is, but I have been taking things too seriously. Perhaps it is stress.
Today I saw a tv show from the 60s, with these young ladies who were falling in love with this handsome young man. It depressed me because I am not handsome and never had young women fawning over me. It was a tv show I know and I shouldn’t care, but it hurt seeing that.
I saw a tv show and an old man told a young guy that he loved him, that he loved him like a son. I cried when I saw that. I wished I had a older man tell that to me, my father never did.
I saw another movie tonight, the young lady loved another guy. Why didn’t anyone ever love me and be my soulmate?
I am near 60 years old, so I feel stupid being here telling you this, with lots of younger people who have their troubles in here. I had mine at their ages too, probably worse in many ways. I don’t know how I lived so long.
I quit my job in november because I was stressed out from it all, and thought I could make it working from home. I haven’t made a dime since then, and don’t want to go back to work, even if I could at this age. I try to make money but all I do is spend it on stupid stuff. Eventually the money will run out, I can’t pay rent, and I can’t go bankrupt (because I already did that like 5 years ago), so the only way out is suicide.
If someone were to buy a website I build, I would feel better, but nobody will. I feel very down right now, though I know I should keep going.
And I cannot sleep, I am so wound up and jittery…the good thing is I don’t want to get drunk, or is that a good thing?
I know the answer is to feel grateful for what I do have, to be happy and grateful, and there is much to be grateful for. But I just am not in the mood. I am in the mood to feel sorry for myself.
Thank you for reading, this is enough for tonight.