Hi, my name is Xavier. I am a 14 year old boy. I suffer from depression, suicidal thoughts, and social anxiety disorder. If your wondering why I bothered to include my social anxiety disorder, it’s because of school. As some of you may be aware, social anxiety disorder is when you get freaked out about being near other people. Some people have normal social anxiety which is just getting a little nervous when they are near new people. Some people get it mild when they take longer to get to know people before getting comfortable around them. Some people ( like me ) have severe social anxiety. For me it’s so hard being near other people that I try to escape at any cost. But as I have to go to school everyday skipping school for a day doesn’t really help in the long run. So suicide is my long term solution for it. Besides that I have already been having depression and suicidal thoughts for other reasons. Like about my family not loving me. About not having any friends. About being a freak and not worthy to be on Earth. I would simply like to know away to end my life peacefully and not painfully. I have access to pills, but no guns or any weapons. I do not wish to use pills but recently they have been looking like they might be my only escape.
Please do not post about why it would be a waste of life to kill myself. I have already come to terms with my inevitable suicide. I am also Atheist, so I have nothing to worry about morally or anything to look forward to in the afterlife. Thanks you ~ Xavier
“Behind my smile, I am broken. Behind my laughter, I am crying. Behind the happiness, I am depressed. Behind the joy, I am lonely. Now the only thing left for me is death, and I am ready for it.” ~ Xavier Avila ( Myself XD ) Like it?
7 comments
I love it, that was a beautiful quote!, My my, social anxiety? That comes from fear…. Fear is a kind and funny lady actually… I don’t think you spoke with her…. Don’t worry about her maybe later one day I will tell you… You are anxious try talking to people….. Start of with a greeting…. Don’t think that hurts….. Or better… Start off by standing in a crowd or maybe just beside 2 people if you are that into anxiousness…. Start talking SLOWLY… Eventually you will laugh 2 years later “hahhahahaaa and I wans anxious before? What was I into! (laughing goes on….)” Good luck anyway ;3
Ya know, you could go for online classes. Talk to me, I’m usually good with helping people with stuff, expecially since I have the same problem as you. just_another_ymarik_luvr@yahoo.com
I’ll help you, promise.
I have social anxiety and depression too. Starting school again tomorrow, and I’m fucking nervous as hell. Year 11. Which makes it more stressful. I enjoyed reading your story, because it’s helpful to know other people that have the same problems as me. Anxiety is a *****. Does it make you feel weak, and have no self confidence? Mine all started from lack of self esteem. Anyway man, I feel bad for you. I know I can’t talk you out of this, but usually it goes away. Brews in your teenage years. I’m still hoping for a better future ahead. Even if I am loathing life now.
id if i have a social anxiety problem but i do get freaked out when im near new people adults in general i guess? well i wish you the best of luck and hope you reach your goal
Hey.. I’m 19 and I have had big problems with social anxiety. I too skipped most of high school before I dropped out. I hid in my room for a year and when I did get around people I would try to talk and everything sounded stupid. I would beat myself up for the next week thinking about how I made a fool of myself. I almost passed out a few times just buying something at a grocery store. Driving was even impossible. Maybe two years later, I do still have bad confidence problems but I have gotten over most of it. You gotta be a strong person to handle something like this and you seem like it because ur writing about it. The biggest way to conquer it is to face it. I made myself go out and do stuff. Sitting alone only makes things worse. I did it for a year. I just hope you try everything before giving up. It does consume you and make you feel like there’s no way out but you can talk to me or ask your parents to see a therapist to get meds. A lot of them will help you. If your parents are not supportive (mine werent) go to a school consular and beg them. People will help you =)
Xavier, sounds like your hsp. Look it up…Highly Sensitive People. Maybe some of the traits may resonate with you. You sound like you’re having difficulty picking up other people’s energy….it’s very hard and I don’t blame you for feeling the way you. do….there are a lot of us walking around. It is possible to work with someone who can help you understand the gift…..lol.
6 years later, and I have to say, I hope 14 yo lonely boy (Xavier) made it to 20 – because if he did I’m sure he’d also tell you that life CHANGES (you can’t stop that, it’s as certain as everybody dies one day) –
But 14 if way too young to (intentionally) wipe out all the possibilities for your lifetime.
You need to give your life a reasonable trial (at least 4 to 6 decades), before concluding it is too hopeless or miserable to be worthy of living.
That’s like stomping on an egg – cracked and crushed -before giving it a chance to see what it feels like to be a chicken.
Being in pain and mixed up and even miserable is normal at 14, but dying NEVER is.
(Sorry, but like the rest of us U must force yourself to have a trial run – of at least 50 years – before having enough factual data to make such a decision).
Method doesn’t matter (gun or pills), but your life does, so FORCE yourself to think about something else, other than how you want to die (for now).
Again sorry to be so blunt, but at 14, 28 and even 42 years old, your life is still in the trial phase, which must be completed before you’ve earned the right to wipe it out.