This post is going to be longer than I thought! Sorry. Before I begin pouring out my own feelings, I thought I’d touch upon the site itself. Reading through the posts here, I can’t help but feel as if I can relate. It’s only natural I suppose. It’s just so sad to see so many people hurting and this website is their outlet.
However, I noticed some of the entries I read here actually made me a tad bitter or angry. I felt insensitive for a few posters here who, in my eyes, seemed like they were simply whining and ungrateful for their gift of life (that sounded cheesy). Perhaps I’m being superficial, though, and I don’t see the whole picture. But that’s just how I feel.
Some of you posters are either whining about bad breakups — mainly teenage girls — or depressed because life is boring/difficult. Like the average Joe would know, right? Unless you’re a savant or Indigo child, we lowly human beings could never comprehend such complex matters! Sarcasm aside, I guess you realize that by reading about other people’s problems, you kind of look at yourself and then see how life isn’t as bad as you think it is.
Of course, such sensible feelings wear off and we’re back at square one. I’ll go ahead and start explaining my own problems now — I guess I’ll be “whining” as well, why hold back now? I’ll try to be quick. I would appreciate comments too, I love to read them.
Now about myself: I’m a 24 yo male. Depression really hit me when yet another good friend in high school moved away, that was probably the trigger. I’ve had experience with moving and making new friends, however, I was extremely tired of it at that point.
I hated moving in my early teens because I always felt so alone at school, I was always the quiet kid in class. Fast forward to my later teens, my biggest mistake was only keeping one good friend around instead of making “backup” friends, if you will. Besides that, I should have done more my junior and senior years in high school, but like any stubborn teenager, I wasted my life on stupid things like PC games and music. If I could only go back in time, I would spend each passing moment loving life and my family. Not only that, but I would make sure that I learn all that I could in school and get good grades instead of skipping class all those times — my teeth just cringe at that mistake. Skipping class was my way of letting off steam, running away from my social anxiety problems, I regret it so much now.
Now, almost in my mid-twenties — geez, I hate that “mid” word, feel so old now — I’ve had my moments of happiness, though. I got a few good jobs along the years, I got more education, surprised myself a few times. But, I’m still a total wreck at the present moment. I’ve had opportunities come my way, but I either froze up or blew them off. I’m lazy, I hate myself because I’m so ugly on the inside and out, hate it when people say I’m not — it feels as if they’re lying to make me feel better. I’ve become almost a total recluse! I hate talking to people so much. It’s like I’ve become a weirdo.
I still don’t think I’m smart enough, I blew off continuing my education and dusting off what I learned, so I’m pretty much stupid. No friends, never had a girlfriend, people probably think I’m gay. I push people away because I know they’re not going to truly like me. Plus, why venture out into the world if I’m feeling so depressed? I find myself better off either dead or lying in bed at home away from the world. I tell myself, “It’s better that way.”
Tell me. What’s the point in living, if I have nothing to life for? What’s the point in talking to people if I have nothing to talk about? Why risk looking like an idiot? I’ve posted on forums and people tell me I really don’t know what I’m saying. Sure, now and then I say dumb things, but in real life? Forget it. I’d rather keep my stupid mouth shut. I find myself better off quiet and content with giving off the impression that I seem smart. How pathetic is that? Why bother making friends if I’m uninteresting to boot? Who in the hell would want to associate themselves with someone like that? I basically have no motiviation to keep on living. Only thing that keeps me going is music and the Internet, oh and food too (rofl, not that I’m fat). I still live with my parents — no additional comment. I have no dreams, I feel tired a lot — I feel like I’m 80 yo sometimes, no offense to anyone out there.
A few months ago, I was extremely close to ending my life. I wanted to run away from this pathetic life and my responsibilities. I had a good job going, but I flaked hard. I didn’t want to work, I didn’t want to be around people. It wasn’t the job I went to trade school for either. My parents were kind of forcing me to do it. But I couldn’t, I quit and wandered aimlessly after, crying. I was ready to just quit my life because I knew they would be angry and disappointed once more with me. I had a note ready and everything. I was waiting for a sign or a message that day. Anything and yet, nothing. Nothing. Of course, what can I expect? This life is what it is. There’s nothing magical about it is there? No divine intervention, right? That’s supposed to be silly. No one’s gonna save me, except myself. Right? Stupid feelings.
I could go on and on, but I’m growing tired of typing this out now. I’m not suicidal at the moment, but I know the feelings will arise again soon. I’m still very depressed and I hate myself and my life. I feel like such a pathetic waste of space. My final thought is this: Why even bother trying to live this life? Why bother when I’m such a stupid, pathetic human being who won’t make much of a difference anyway? Why disrupt the flow of nature simply by existing? I would hate to alter the flow of consciousness and have negative things happen because of my own anguish, if that makes any sense. This life doesn’t deserve to have someone as stupid and wretched as me exist!
That’s all I got for this post. I probably typed out more than your average 14 yo girl whining about a bad breakup and I’m a DUDE — okay, I’m sorry for that one. Thanks for listening. Comments are appreciated.