This post is going to be longer than I thought! Sorry. Before I begin pouring out my own feelings, I thought I’d touch upon the site itself. Reading through the posts here, I can’t help but feel as if I can relate. It’s only natural I suppose. It’s just so sad to see so many people hurting and this website is their outlet.
However, I noticed some of the entries I read here actually made me a tad bitter or angry. I felt insensitive for a few posters here who, in my eyes, seemed like they were simply whining and ungrateful for their gift of life (that sounded cheesy). Perhaps I’m being superficial, though, and I don’t see the whole picture. But that’s just how I feel.
Some of you posters are either whining about bad breakups — mainly teenage girls — or depressed because life is boring/difficult. Like the average Joe would know, right? Unless you’re a savant or Indigo child, we lowly human beings could never comprehend such complex matters! Sarcasm aside, I guess you realize that by reading about other people’s problems, you kind of look at yourself and then see how life isn’t as bad as you think it is.
Of course, such sensible feelings wear off and we’re back at square one. I’ll go ahead and start explaining my own problems now — I guess I’ll be “whining” as well, why hold back now? I’ll try to be quick. I would appreciate comments too, I love to read them.
Now about myself: I’m a 24 yo male. Depression really hit me when yet another good friend in high school moved away, that was probably the trigger. I’ve had experience with moving and making new friends, however, I was extremely tired of it at that point.
I hated moving in my early teens because I always felt so alone at school, I was always the quiet kid in class. Fast forward to my later teens, my biggest mistake was only keeping one good friend around instead of making “backup” friends, if you will. Besides that, I should have done more my junior and senior years in high school, but like any stubborn teenager, I wasted my life on stupid things like PC games and music. If I could only go back in time, I would spend each passing moment loving life and my family. Not only that, but I would make sure that I learn all that I could in school and get good grades instead of skipping class all those times — my teeth just cringe at that mistake. Skipping class was my way of letting off steam, running away from my social anxiety problems, I regret it so much now.
Now, almost in my mid-twenties — geez, I hate that “mid” word, feel so old now — I’ve had my moments of happiness, though. I got a few good jobs along the years, I got more education, surprised myself a few times. But, I’m still a total wreck at the present moment. I’ve had opportunities come my way, but I either froze up or blew them off. I’m lazy, I hate myself because I’m so ugly on the inside and out, hate it when people say I’m not — it feels as if they’re lying to make me feel better. I’ve become almost a total recluse! I hate talking to people so much. It’s like I’ve become a weirdo.
I still don’t think I’m smart enough, I blew off continuing my education and dusting off what I learned, so I’m pretty much stupid. No friends, never had a girlfriend, people probably think I’m gay. I push people away because I know they’re not going to truly like me. Plus, why venture out into the world if I’m feeling so depressed? I find myself better off either dead or lying in bed at home away from the world. I tell myself, “It’s better that way.”
Tell me. What’s the point in living, if I have nothing to life for? What’s the point in talking to people if I have nothing to talk about? Why risk looking like an idiot? I’ve posted on forums and people tell me I really don’t know what I’m saying. Sure, now and then I say dumb things, but in real life? Forget it. I’d rather keep my stupid mouth shut. I find myself better off quiet and content with giving off the impression that I seem smart. How pathetic is that? Why bother making friends if I’m uninteresting to boot? Who in the hell would want to associate themselves with someone like that? I basically have no motiviation to keep on living. Only thing that keeps me going is music and the Internet, oh and food too (rofl, not that I’m fat). I still live with my parents — no additional comment. I have no dreams, I feel tired a lot — I feel like I’m 80 yo sometimes, no offense to anyone out there.
A few months ago, I was extremely close to ending my life. I wanted to run away from this pathetic life and my responsibilities. I had a good job going, but I flaked hard. I didn’t want to work, I didn’t want to be around people. It wasn’t the job I went to trade school for either. My parents were kind of forcing me to do it. But I couldn’t, I quit and wandered aimlessly after, crying. I was ready to just quit my life because I knew they would be angry and disappointed once more with me. I had a note ready and everything. I was waiting for a sign or a message that day. Anything and yet, nothing. Nothing. Of course, what can I expect? This life is what it is. There’s nothing magical about it is there? No divine intervention, right? That’s supposed to be silly. No one’s gonna save me, except myself. Right? Stupid feelings.
I could go on and on, but I’m growing tired of typing this out now. I’m not suicidal at the moment, but I know the feelings will arise again soon. I’m still very depressed and I hate myself and my life. I feel like such a pathetic waste of space. My final thought is this: Why even bother trying to live this life? Why bother when I’m such a stupid, pathetic human being who won’t make much of a difference anyway? Why disrupt the flow of nature simply by existing? I would hate to alter the flow of consciousness and have negative things happen because of my own anguish, if that makes any sense. This life doesn’t deserve to have someone as stupid and wretched as me exist!
That’s all I got for this post. I probably typed out more than your average 14 yo girl whining about a bad breakup and I’m a DUDE — okay, I’m sorry for that one. Thanks for listening. Comments are appreciated.
7 comments
Sounds like you’ve have a very difficult time. I have social anxiety/ anxiety disorder/ depression too. I’m 17. And reading that made me feel scared, because I will probably end up living my life similar to yours. (no offense meant). I am currently having trouble attending school as well. I dread school. I don’t want to go back after I had a breakdown yesterday and went home early. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with my life, if I can’t even attend school on a regular basis. And then to repeat school all over with University, it’s all to much for me until I overcome this problem. Anxiety is definitely the worst symptom of depression. Nothing makes you feel more isolated and alone than to be afraid of peoples criticism and what they think of you and how much of failure you are. I’m soo tired, yet I’m only 17 years old. What the fuck can I do… ?
Thank you for commenting. You sound like a past version of myself actually. I was 17 once and that’s where my depression kicked into high gear.
It’s okay to be scared too. Even though I may appear to be a total wreck, my life didn’t necessarily stop. I did manage to do a few cool things. However, I should have been a light year ahead of where I am now. I should have done more in the past, I wasted too much time goofing off.
With social anxiety, part of it has to do with my own stubbornness as well. I don’t like not being in control of situations. I don’t like being around people I don’t know, it’s sort of like I turn selfish and keep others out. At the same time, I’m just terrified of what people will think of me, how they will perceive me. I’m also terrified that I won’t have anything of worth to say. I’m getting older, so people will expect me to know what’s going on in the world.
I think you’re still so young, compared to me anyway. Just do good in school, keep your head up for now. Don’t end up like me — hmmm, ouch — someone who doesn’t take many chances. I used to absolutely hate getting up in the morning for school, maybe because being depressed is draining? lol. I dunno, but you still have time left to get your priorities straight from where I’m standing.
Sadly, I couldn’t just sit myself down in class and stay there. I simply had to flee. Just stay strong and get through the most important part of life — which is getting that diploma!
Not much else I can say. I know it must suck hard and you wanna quit. Quitting is easy, but the effects can be devastating. Just remember. There’s always someone to blather to, people will listen.
Hi guys, thanks for sharing, that was an interesting read.
I’m 26, and your problems sound very similar to my own. I was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder, and after reading a book on it, I think the diagnosis is correct.
Reading about my own disorder helped me deal with it, more than any medication or counselling has.
Now, I’m sure you know best what your problems are, and I’m not trying to press my diagnosis on you, all I’m saying is, if you can educate yourselves regarding your problems I really recommend the experience.
Anyways, about feeling like you have nothing to offer other people, I know that feeling. I often avoid potential relationships thinking “What can I offer her?”. Recently I tried to answer the question literally and came up with this list:
My (lousy) company ’till I off myself.
My stuff (books, DVDs, etc.) after I off myself.
Small talk.
Sex.
That’s basically it. But it might be better than nothing, no?
Or maybe not…
Sorry about rambling and thanks for sharing.
I will try keep this short for now:
What if I tell you that you are truly not alone, and that you can actually find similar type “group” of people just like you scattered across the planet?
Google this:
1. Free MBTI test. Click on the 1st link and see what’s ur result is.
2. Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) test.
3. Too Many Aptitudes (TMA) test.
4. ADHD disorder
Chances strongly is that you’re belong to one or two of the groups.
I have to say, that I can very much relate to what you said,.the difference is that I’m 29 now,.so you can see how much ‘too late’ it Is for me.
I will continue later to talk about this in more details.
But for now, please try those tests above, trust me, it might be worth a lot for your enlightenment and mind-opening.
oh! there are so may people like you i was a quite kid in the class , i also had only one good friend who left me , there are people like us all over the world. hey man you are 24 just think rationally you can live at least live 40 years. is it worthwhile to stop living because of the fucking 24 years you had and put an end to the good 40 years you’ve gonna have in future. its just logic nothing emotional. think about it
Hey anonymous…
Listen if you had shared your story with me in person and I recorded it, we could play it back and insert my name instead of yours and your story would match mine. I can identify with almost everything you said, literally. I’m almost 22 FYI, before I go any further.
High school seemed to be the a rough patch for me too. Maybe it was because I had to part ways with many of my friends after middle school because I was going to one and they were going to another. I was a very gregarious and extroverted individual throughout middle school. When I got to high school I completely flip flopped.
I would start spending more of my time alone. I would get very self-conscious around people. I was starting to develop a very low image of myself. I felt inferior to everyone else. I felt ugly on the inside and the outside too which is somewhat ironic because I had plenty of people hit on me in high school. I never had a serious relationship either. Having my parents talk to me about it would make me furious. There was no point in talking about something that I didn’t have or didn’t think would change.
My parents and a few of my friends wondered why I wasn’t pursing a girl lead them to asking me whether I was gay or not. No lie. Of course a bluntly responded NO!!!! But over time I began to think about. Is that really true? To people think I’m homo? I even contemplated about having a same-sex experience with another person because part of me started to think that was true.
Looking back on those years now, I was sure that I had some kind of manic depression. I would often have periods of elevated happiness followed by intense feelings of hopelessness and not wanting to do anything. It weighed on me very heavily.
After H.S. life definitely got much better. It was like having a fresh start. I took a year off to work and decide to go to college the following year. That was the best decision I ever made. Unfortunately I got hit with another brutal storm this past spring. Just everything that could possibly go wrong for me did; physically, spiritually, financially, academically. Holy smokes I was just getting hammered. I would get very jealous hearing all of my other friends in school doing well and pressing forward to their goals etc.
Through March and April suicide slowly began to creep it’s way in my head. I knew it was too selfish for me to take my life, but I REALLY wanted this storm to end. I was just a wreck. I think others could see that something was going on but damn they had no idea! It was awful to wake up to a bright and sunny day and still feel like it was dark, at least internally.
I was able to find healing by commiserating with someone in a similar predicament but far worse. He had the same hopeless feelings as me. He struggled with alcohol, cutting, dark thoughts, dreams involving suicide etc. His best friend had taken his own life a week ago and thought about doing the same thing. I thought damn if I don’t help this person who will??? I moved heaven and earth for that kid, his name was Jim. He was the same age as you.
We would spend hours each night talking to each other. I was so fiercely committed to helping him. Thank God my intervention helped to spare his life and he’s still recovering to this day. He’s so much better now! We grew so closer to another. We’d literally take a bullet for the other guy if we had to. Our friendship was so genuine. I thought man it’s a shame that more people can experience this kind of friendship. I hate shallow relationships too. I don’t want anything but the very best.
Thankfully God was able to use my pain to help save that kid’s life. Afterwards I thought I wanna pour out that same love and goodness to those who need it – people like you. There’s something amazing about being able to identify with someone else who’s thought about suicide. It’s like you’re more prepared to help other people struggling with the same thing than anyone else.
Why live? Because you know someone who’s gone through the exact same struggles and come out better than before. While I hated being in the eye of the storm, I can’t say that I would not do it all over again if I had another chance, because I would. I grew in ways you can’t fully imagine. The benefits I gained were far greater than the suffering itself. Hearing your story has actually blessed me very much.
And please don’t ever apologize for sharing your thoughts/feelings. I would tell my friend the same thing. He knew how committed I was to helping him out and sometimes he’d feel guilty, thinking that I he was being a burden to me. I’d love to be able to talk with you if you give me the chance. You sound like a very smart and caring person. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I wanna help you if you let me. You can contact me anyway you’d like: phone, e-mail, Facebook (if you have one). Just let me know what works for you.
God bless you buddy. <3
Yours truly,
Jonathan K.
My 25 year old daughter killed herself on December 29th because she started having seizures back in August and the doctors could not figure out why nor control them. She was a bubbly happy mommy of 3 children 8, 5 and 2 and ended up not being able to drive work or socialize because of this problem she was stuck in her house in her bedroom day in and out just laying there. every time she got up to do something she would seize – that’s painful