I want to die, i just want to stop beingÂ . I’m not depressed in the truest sense but i’m not really anything either way- i have no personality, i have no self, no opinions on anything,Â no emotions, no moods,Â very few legitimate interests,Â no identity, no mind, no soul- when i speak it’s like the words just blurt out of my mouthÂ withoutÂ any filtering done inÂ advance.Â
Â I am just a zombie robot or robot zombie, whatever you want to call it, who was brought to this world for no reason whatsoever. My ambitions are shaky, embarrasinglyÂ uncertain and fluctuating, floundering,Â Â and are often just totally absent.Â Â I often spend huge chunks of my day doing absolutely nothing, in my head- hours at a time. I literally get almost no thoughts in my head and yet, stuff still comes up.
I feel neither pleasure nor pain- nothing really makes me happy or sad or excited,Â i feel indifferent to praise or criticism. Even if someone did their best to complement me or insult me i’d barely feel a thing. My entire lens on reality is a dull grey just like my sense of self, just like what i really am from the inside. Every day is justÂ a slightest variation of that lens.
Â If you were to see meÂ in personÂ you would probably form a different opinion of me but trust me, i am not what you think. I am not a loser. I’m just nobody andÂ i feel like nobody or more appropriately i feel like a braindead, robotic zombie with Â critically impaired cognitive/critical thinking/reasoningÂ ability who only takes upÂ space in the world for no good reason andÂ who has no human personality or identity.
I’m alsoÂ emotionally/physically numb to the presence of others, almost as if theyâ€™re not even there, so i donâ€™t get as much reward from interacting with others.
Â AndÂ I’ve never had aÂ girlfriend (or even been on a date) becauseÂ even though i felt strongly attracted to several girls, i was way too socially awkward to do anything about it (and they were in relationships at the time anyway)Â andÂ though iÂ eventually gotÂ over those issues i also got over the whole concept of “asking the person outÂ if you like them” type of thing- i haven’tÂ really “liked” anyone ever since nor have IÂ been able to â€˜findâ€™ someone to â€œlikeâ€ (or really trying to anyway).
Â All there isÂ now is just the sheerÂ physical/biologicalÂ yearning leftÂ without any emotional connectionÂ Â or “having feelings for someone” bit. Even if a girl smiles atÂ me i feel pretty much nothing, just a dull thud, maybe, within, reminding me of my lost humanity. Girls in generalÂ I often don’t even see as human beings but just as physical objectsÂ thanks to internet pornography.
Â Anyway,Â I want to end itÂ and i’m not afraid because i know it won’t hurt if i choose the right painlessÂ method, apply it correctlyÂ andÂ it takes effect quickly and efficiently without risk of serious injury after an unsuccessful attempt. The only problem thoughÂ isÂ I still live with my family at 21 years of age and i really don’t want to hurt themÂ by going this route (i guess one of theÂ things iÂ still care about in this regard)Â and i know it’s going to be a longÂ while before they all pass away (god smite me for saying this but i wasn’t sure how else to put it) when i know i’d be able to kill myself without theÂ consequence of someone that loves meÂ paying devastatingly emotionally as a result, so this is my dilemna.
Â Strangely, i’m also a studentÂ currently but that’s not going anywhere and i know i’ll never have a proper future (thanks to a million factors, both personal/subjective (some of which are mentioned above) as well as professional/objective) either way).
So yeah, this is my story. M/21