I want to die, i just want to stop being . I’m not depressed in the truest sense but i’m not really anything either way- i have no personality, i have no self, no opinions on anything, no emotions, no moods, very few legitimate interests, no identity, no mind, no soul- when i speak it’s like the words just blurt out of my mouth without any filtering done in advance.Â
 I am just a zombie robot or robot zombie, whatever you want to call it, who was brought to this world for no reason whatsoever. My ambitions are shaky, embarrasingly uncertain and fluctuating, floundering,  and are often just totally absent.  I often spend huge chunks of my day doing absolutely nothing, in my head- hours at a time. I literally get almost no thoughts in my head and yet, stuff still comes up.
I feel neither pleasure nor pain- nothing really makes me happy or sad or excited, i feel indifferent to praise or criticism. Even if someone did their best to complement me or insult me i’d barely feel a thing. My entire lens on reality is a dull grey just like my sense of self, just like what i really am from the inside. Every day is just a slightest variation of that lens.
 If you were to see me in person you would probably form a different opinion of me but trust me, i am not what you think. I am not a loser. I’m just nobody and i feel like nobody or more appropriately i feel like a braindead, robotic zombie with  critically impaired cognitive/critical thinking/reasoning ability who only takes up space in the world for no good reason and who has no human personality or identity.
I’m also emotionally/physically numb to the presence of others, almost as if they’re not even there, so i don’t get as much reward from interacting with others.
 And I’ve never had a girlfriend (or even been on a date) because even though i felt strongly attracted to several girls, i was way too socially awkward to do anything about it (and they were in relationships at the time anyway) and though i eventually got over those issues i also got over the whole concept of “asking the person out if you like them” type of thing- i haven’t really “liked” anyone ever since nor have I been able to ‘find’ someone to “like†(or really trying to anyway).
 All there is now is just the sheer physical/biological yearning left without any emotional connection  or “having feelings for someone” bit. Even if a girl smiles at me i feel pretty much nothing, just a dull thud, maybe, within, reminding me of my lost humanity. Girls in general I often don’t even see as human beings but just as physical objects thanks to internet pornography.
 Anyway, I want to end it and i’m not afraid because i know it won’t hurt if i choose the right painless method, apply it correctly and it takes effect quickly and efficiently without risk of serious injury after an unsuccessful attempt. The only problem though is I still live with my family at 21 years of age and i really don’t want to hurt them by going this route (i guess one of the things i still care about in this regard) and i know it’s going to be a long while before they all pass away (god smite me for saying this but i wasn’t sure how else to put it) when i know i’d be able to kill myself without the consequence of someone that loves me paying devastatingly emotionally as a result, so this is my dilemna.
 Strangely, i’m also a student currently but that’s not going anywhere and i know i’ll never have a proper future (thanks to a million factors, both personal/subjective (some of which are mentioned above) as well as professional/objective) either way).
So yeah, this is my story. M/21
6 comments
This may seem like a recycled, clichéd answer, but I almost feel the same way. I’m 24/m and feel just as devoid of emotion as you can get on a good day. I must ask, do you enjoy interacting with people? Because I know I don’t. I can’t stand the idea of me standing around like a mute, who doesn’t participate in anything, try and interact with other people. I’ve grown to abhor being around people I don’t know and speaking my mind. Why speak when I have nothing of worth to say?
When I was younger, naturally, I felt that trying to get a girlfriend was one of my main priorities. I used to get so worked up over a girl smiling at me or talking with me actually. Kind of funny now that I think of it. These days, my energies aren’t focused on that rubbish anymore. After not being able to experiencing real love, I sort of hardened up over the years.
Now it’s all about finding general happiness. Lusting over girls has become a tad silly and immature, in my opinion. I’m hoping real love will come to me when I’m ready.
I should note I’m still with my parents as well. Ending my own life would probably hurt them, but it’s seems to be rather difficult for them to truly grasp my depression. They would rather get angry than understand honestly. I don’t blame them for losing their patience, though.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. Good luck.
Interacting with people for me is better than not interacting but i feel like there’s something missing, like i’m just seeing faces and expressions which change and lips that move and just hearing these words coming out but like there’s less sensation of people being around me, when being in a group of people for instance and it used to be much different, normal.
Think of the social atmosphere that you experience at a big party but on a smaller scale- that’s what seems to be missing- just lack of feeling of human presence and feeling intertwined with others. Also, i feel insecure when people have intelligent/intellectual/opinionated conversations around me because i feel i dumb since i fairly often begin to have trouble keeping up, i.e interms of following the argument/debate, understanding the position each party is taking, the point they’re making at a certain moment, their argument, etc, because i know i used to be intelligent (even very intelligent i’d say) and had opinions and more genuine interest in other topics but all of that is now gone. Sometimes words shoot out of my mouth during a conversation involving a discussion with various points of view but more often than not it’s like i’m not really behind the words i said, like it’s not REALLY my opinion (like almost no thought that made me say it) but just something that came into my head to say at that particular instant out of nowhere. i guess it’s a bit hard to convey..
Like anonymous said, might be a very cliched answer, but it’s better than saying nothing: I can relate as well, to both of you.
Still finding my ways, hopefully there’s really more to Life than I’ve ever ‘selfishly’ thought of.
I would, however, try to exhaust lots of options, before I choose death,
because sooner or later I’ll meet death anyway..so yeah, call it a perspective-in-reverse, if u want.
Thanks, niki. I can’t help but comment on some of these, I’ve never really done this before.
Even though I’m just as screwed up! lol. I also just want to quit right now. I feel utterly useless. I’ve made my own sorrowful post yesterday. It was hard, but I think it’s nice to let it out at least.
You sound like you have a decent head on your shoulders, niki. You’re going to at least use up all “options”. With me, however, I can be rather weak-minded and would rather give up easily.
That’s just me.. I give up too damn easily in my own life. >_<
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