Hi, this is my first post here.Â I am 34, married, and mom to two beautiful toddlers.Â I am highly educated with a Master’s degree but I’ve never really had a “real” job.Â I don’t seem to be able to keep the jobs I have had and I never seem to have the motivation or confidence to look for jobs that are in line with my education and experience.
I have major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, post-traumatic stress disorder, and bipolar type II.Â I was just diagnosed with the manic-depressive (bipolar) illness this past month.Â I also had a sleep study recently which revealed a severe case of PLMD (Periodic Limb Movement Disorder).Â It is not curable and treatment is very complicated.Â The drug they put me on is NOT working.Â My sleep study results showed I had zero minutes of REM sleep.Â I believe the sleep deprivation is partially responsible for the severity of my depression and partially to blame for my becoming suicidal and dissociated.
I just got out of psychiatric hospital for major depression and suicidal ideation along with dissociation.Â Lately I have been reading a lot about mood disorders, anxiety disorders, and other psychiatric conditions.Â I realize it is not wise to self-diagnose based on what you read but lately I am wondering if I have Borderline Personality Disorder instead of Bipolar II.Â This really scares me.
I don’t know why i am saying all this…just an intro to who I am I guess.Â there is so much I could say but don’t even know where to start.
I feel like I am a bad person.Â There, I said it.Â I do things that I know are wrong.Â Then I feel horrible.Â But I still do things that I know are wrong.
I lie.Â I make things up, exaggerate or embellish to make people think better of me than what I am.Â I don’t always do this, but I have done it a lot.Â I steal small things sometimes.Â Usually i end up taking them back but sometimes I don’t.Â WHy do I do this when I know it is wrong?
I am so lonely as a stay-home Mom.Â I want a social life and friends but I have neither.Â Anytime I start to get close to someone I get scared and anxious and push them away.Â I have done this over and over for many many years.
I am lazy.Â It is all I can handle just to sweep the floor.Â It is soooo much effort to play with my kids.Â I just want ti be left alone so I can sleep, or watch tv, or do some other mundane thing.Â I love my kids more than anything in this world and they are the sweetest, most beautiful things.Â Why don’t I feel excited and happy to be with them?Â Why is it such a chore?Â Why have I spent months laying in bed until noon while they watch tv and take care of themselves?Â What kind of mother does that?Â A BAD one.Â I have changed things since coming home from hospital.Â Now they are never left unattended and are very well loved and taken care of, both by me and my husband.
I am on a bunch of new meds and they don’t seem to be helping much yet, but I know I have to give it time.Â Basically I feel defective.Â Something about me must be off because I do not understand why I do the things I do or have done the things I have done.
I witnessed the murder of my Dad when I was 17.Â My ex-boyfriend, who had been stalking me for months, broke into my house and tried to kill me but my Dad intervened and was shot.Â I know this trauma (which turned my whole world/life/identity/self-image upside-down) is partly responsible for my issues.Â But I just feel like there’s got to be something else.Â I am just flawed and I don’t want to be.Â I want to be happy, a good person, good wife, good mother, have a career, have friends, and make the world a better place.Â Right now I am just an energy sucker.
That’s all for now.Â Thanks for reading this long post.