I’m not saying I should be dead because of my depression but what I am saying is that why am I depressed… Apparantly depression runs in my family. I just happen to be the person who catches a severe case -.- … FML … anyway it wasn’t bad until the 6th grade when me and my x had a 4 yr relationship ( I know to young for love at the time but still ) we broke up and thats when I started to cut and think of suicide. And on top of all that I have anger issues when it comes to certain things… I’m paranoid about relationships now and my head tells me things that are not true but put me down. Then thats where I start to think of suicide and such. I have a wonderfull Girlfriend now at the age of 15 and I have recovered some but now I’m depressed not because of the previous relationship but over something I can’t quite put my finger on.. Sadly I’m thinking its turned into a disease. I have tryed several things to get rid of it and all failed. My girlfriend keeps me pretty happy but when I’m around her my head tells me she don’t want me or she hates me and it kills me inside because I know its not true. Now I have some friends I have cured of depression and have cured of suicidal thoughts, but I can’t seem to cure my own. I  have tried to commit suicide 3 times and all 3 times my sister or girlfriend interveined. Which I’m glad they did but I just can’t control myself sometimes. I have no idea if its skitsofrenia or whatever but whatever it is it has to stop cause I have no intentions in dieing and I have no need to die I have a great life, some may consider it horrible its either because there spoiled rotten or is snauty but I’m appriciative and I’m glad to be who I am but seriously I wish to stop this nonsense I just want to be happy and live on till time stops for me… If my anger hits the roof all I can think about is suicide. I don’t wish to be like this and I don’t wish to hurt others in my rage. Again I’m only 15 and I have a full sight in life ahead of me. I want to be in the military and I want to be apart of something big so if things stop for me now how will I reach my goals in life… I just want to be happy. Now for those who die because of depression or want to die because of depression, I’m sorry for your loses, and to be honest you should just set a goal, follow the right path for that goal, and not look back. Set aside the bullies and report them to someone of higher authority, set aside difficult means and fix them from outside of the problem. Don’t solve anything with suicide its meaningless to do so, all suicide is is a permanent fix to a tempoary solution and it can be solved just think about it. As for me and my wierd depression I will have to look at it in a different way and try and try and try to get rid of it… If anyone has any solutions to how I can do so please throw some advise out there for me.. ( you dare say just commit suicide: May the devil curse your soul with 1,000 infernoes…)
3 comments
Well written, clear, lucid at to the point. I am a 45 year old man but have suffered from depression from a very early age, 17 or perhaps earlier: the truth is, I did not really know what was wrong with me, I felt different, found it difficult to know my own mind, became socially withdrawn; there was more but the ‘more” is rather beside the point.
My advice is not to do what I did, it cost me a great deal.
I spend too much time in my head, over analysing, thevtime is waisted. My advice is to ito engage with the world around you, if you feel fear, ignore it, fear only grows when it is allowed to arbitrate, if you feel uncomfortable in social situation, push yourself to become engaged. One conquers fear by confronting it.
Be busy. You are at school. Become involved in your work, enjoy it and rise to it’s challenges. In short build self esteem; learn to enjoy the company of others; by accepting others, we accept ourselves. Too often we withdraw for fear of being judged. We judge ourselves too harshly.
Create a plan, write a list of the things that stimulate you and pursue them. I think it important to establish a direction and by following it, build that all important sense of self worth; without it, we drift. The plan can change but br clear with yourself why you are changing it. Avoid quick fixes, be them relationships, ultimately happiness is something we find within, not within others. If you are happy with yourself, others will be happy to be with you. There is nothing more seductive than a person with inner strenghth and direction.
Get into routines, eat well, excercise, work and play. Again such build self esteem. Depression feeds off low self worth.
As to suicide, ask yourself, what can I do to put me, myself, at the centre of my life, how can I empower myself. Suicide and suicidal thinking is the product of despair.
You are young and whatever ails you now can be put aside. You can build a better future. Focus on yourself, you are strong, you have personality and you need to protect and drive it.
Above all, don’t over indulge in self reflection, it can become a trap, a mental loop that loses you to the world.
Many great people have suffered from depression, they were great however, not because they were depressed but because they overwhelmed it with a sence of purpose.
You take good care.
Ps. I am sure others have told you this but perhaps a good excecise would be to speak to yourself as you would a friend, as you would a child ; show compassion but also show direction.
Only God can take this burden off you heart. Pray to Him and ask Him to release you from this horrible bondage. Your life is precious and God loves you and He has amazing plans for you!
Love,
Adrianne
altera.ad@gmail.com
“For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matt 11:30
Give it all to Him!!! 🙂