I’m thirteen. It seems so sick that I’ve already been through all this, that I already know all this, that I’m already feeling like this. Everyday, feels like a walk through hell. I just can’t stand it. I can’t tell anyone anything anymore and my life has turned into a chain of lies and and millions of secrets. Nobody knows everything. Nobody ever will. I wish someone could know, I just can’t do it. I can’t risk that all. I have DID. I pretend to be someone I’m not over the internet. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act. But I know, that if I change the way I look, I act differently. I’m more confident. But that can never change. I feel so traped within my body. I hate everything about me, physically. I’m a thirteen year-old girl. 5’6” and 145 lbs. I’m overweight. Everyone sees it and everyone judges me for it. I’m the fat emo kid. All my “friends” are beautiful. They’re thin. They have guys chasing after them. They have people always thriving for their friendship. Me? I’ve got one friend. And I’m losing her. To someone prettier and better. I think I should just let her go. I can’t keep weighing her down. With me by her side, people call us lesbians. With her, they call them the cute best friends that every guy wants. I don’t know why I’m ranting. I’m ending it tonight anyways. I’m an outcast. Always will be. Nobody will miss me for long. I wasn’t going to amount to anything in life. My life wont be missed. I was an inconvenience.
Going to drink myself sick and take some uppers while the blood drips from my wrists. Might as well die the happiest I’ve been my whole life.
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3 comments
I’ve been down a similar road. All through middle school and high school i was the fat girl I felt so disgusting. And it got to the point where i was tired of being the fat girl nobody wanted to be with. I started working out and i lost the weight and my body got my “womanly”. Then all those people that wanted nothing to do with me started talking to me. It was the greatest feeling ever rubbing it in their faces and turning them away like they did me. I felt better about myself as a person. I think that you should try the same if you don’t like how you look then as determined you are about ending your life you should focus that determination on making yourself feel better by making you look the way you want. School can be HELL but its not forever trust me.
Hey girl. I just wanted to say I can relate to you 100% and I know EXACTLY what you’re going through. Seriously reading this story made me think of myself. I’m fifteen, and was made fun of a lot when I was 11 or 12. As in it was an everyday thing, I was called pimple face and disgusting and ugly and fat, every name in the fucking book. I also, get on the chat sites and take pictures that make me look nothing like me and talk to random guys so I can get attention. I send some older guys that I’ve never met before naked pics. I’ve even talked to some of them about meeting them in real life. So trust me, yeah I’ve been down your same road sweetie.
I don’t know you, but you honestly seem like an amazing person. I hope you don’t kill yourself, because I’m going to be around here because I can’t do it, so I would love to chat with you.
you can e-mail me anytime, I’ll always answer.
kaciliz@aim.com
Please don’t kill yourself.
Hold on. 5 foot six and 145 pounds? If that is overweight, it’s not by much. You could lose the weight if you try. But you shouldn’t try to lose weight because of them — that could be dangerous. If you decide to lose weight, do it to improve your health. You are not “fat”.
Listen. Don’t let any insults put you down. You are not fat, “emo” (That’s actually a music genre, by the way. Tell them that), or a lesbian. A girl called me and my best friend lesbians before too. That was a long time ago, and things have definitely changed. If your friend decides to ditch you, it’s her problem. No real friend likes you because of your weight. In fact, no real enemy hates you because of your weight either. There’s a different reason behind all of this. It’s probably just their immaturity.
An important thing to remember is that you are just like everyone else (to an extent, of course). Don’t let anyone put you down. Stand up for yourself and open up to other people. Don’t put up a wall between you and others. They don’t hate you; they’re just being careless and insensitive (and immature). Treat everyone like your best friend, even when they’re being stupid. I guarantee you’ll make more friends just by doing that.
Also, it’s not great to have guys chasing after you. Those people are at the highest risk to get pregnant. The guys are way too young to know what a real relationship is.
Oh, middle school. Tsk. Tsk.
I also guarantee that high school will be different, or at least, that’s how my high school is. I’m 17. I’m a girl. And high school students are very nice. It’s nothing like TV. When kids grow older, they realize what’s really important. Life is not about who’s prettier. (And you are probably prettier than you think. 😉 ) Where I come from, people hang out with people based on their personalities, not their looks. Cliques tend to go away, and people become real people. At least, that’s how I see it.
In any case, good luck. You are way too young to die. Keep holding on. You can make it. I’ll pray for you.