I’ve been hurting since December 2009 when this guy I met online (J) stopped responding to emails. I was really hurting before that because my dad’s a piece of shit who had six strokes and is really mentally ill. But it only started hurting so bad when J stopped talking to me. It ripped my guts out. I couldn’t breathe without him. I loved him so bad and it killed me that he didn’t want me anymore.
I met this amazing guy online (S) and I know he really exists, he made this whole organization and website for teens in crisis and I talk to him every week, he helped me get over J and helped my mom and me get my dad into an assisted living. She wants to get remarried because the both of us hate my dad.
My dad’s been in the assisted living for two months and a day and I feel huge huge guilt over it. I stopped therapy because she was useless and made me feel worse. I could deal with the guilt after a while but now my mom is acting like a ***** all the time. That really kills me because we’re really close. We always were. My dad was impotent and she waited 19 years to have me, so we’re really close. And now she keeps saying that I’m acting like a ***** and I ruin everything for her, she’s been screaming at me like she would scream at my dad and saying I’m nasty and obnoxious and I suck all the pleasure out of things, and I just feel like she’s overreacting and hurting me so bad that I’ve cried more in the past few weeks over how she’s been treating me than I have in the past year since J stopped talking to me and I found S.
I’m hurting hurting so so bad. I just want this to be over. My mom and I were about to bake and she was singing and I told her to stop because it was annoying me and she freaked out and put all the baking stuff away and told me to get away and then she wouldn’t watch a movie we were looking forward to and then I tried to hang myself but freaked out and stopped and now I’m here. I’m crying. I just want this to be over. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore. I’m in too much pain. I want to call S but he lives in a different time zone and now it’s 5 am for him. He doesn’t mind if I call him at weird times if I hurt and we’re gonna talk tomorrow anyway, but I’m afraid if I tell him he’ll put me in a mental hospital or something like that where I don’t wanna be. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hurt and nothing’s making it hurt less. I just wanna be happy again.