The first time I felt totally hollow, I was 14 and I’ve been chased by that feeling for 25 years.Â I now wake up every morning in mental agony.Â I’ve tried therapy, medications, prayer, meditation, 12-step groups, healthy diets, supplements.
It feels like I’m drowning in quicksand as my failures (career, personal) have mounted while I’ve spent time lost to this (so many days I couldn’t get out of bed, or could get out of bed but didn’t leave the house, or left the house but it didn’t matter).
Whatever promise I had is gone.Â There’s no friends, no family, it’s been 7 years since I had a lover.
Everything is grey now, literally, like my senses have been dulled – there’s no warmth, nothing excites or engages, it’s all just bleak – a reminder or an insult that my life is joyless.Â None of the old distractions work or provide any relief.Â I have a hard time thinking – the depression is just too overwhelming.Â I’ve let everything go again – bills, chores, teeth, body.Â It’s been like that for 9 months and the medication (and the replacement medications) no longer help.
I just don’t care – when I reach inside, I get nothing.Â Even this post feels pointless and stupid.
Why can’t I end it?Â I think about it non-stop.Â I just don’t want to wake up another day like this.