Suicide has been on my mind lately. It’s acting as this sort of cloud, following me around, waiting for the room to grow quiet, so it can grow stronger. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel ok. Perhaps what it means to live has escaped me. I do everything on autopilot. The stark white walls of my tiny apartment only reflect back the pale enthusiasm that I’m trying so desperately to hold on to. I constantly find myself wondering why we bother here on earth. We are all going to die anyway. In the end, all the judging and scorning, all the laughing, all the embraces, all the running and kicking and screaming; it all just disappears into the air. We hold it all in the black and white film collection that is our memory allowing ourselves to forget that when we die, all those things just disappear.
I’m not sure why I’m here, and I’m not sure why I care, but I just don’t want to live in this world anymore, I just don’t want to live in this shell.
2 comments
I have been where you are… feeling like a zombie… like a robot! The feeling that I have no control over my life, that everyone around me is laughing at me or not acknowledging Im even there.
I know that we are in the hands of time and that we are just waiting for the inevitable but that is not a reason to want to end it. We have to take back that control in our lives and fight for a better existance… and I dont mean world peace, I mean our inner peace.
We all have choices and although at the moment it may seem like there is no hope but if you want to make things better you have to believe in yourself to start making it happen.
Everyone can offer advice but if you really want change, it has to start inside you.
I am sorry you are feeling this way x
Thanks for sharing….feel a lot of the same. Cheers.